A
male
age
26-29,
*am Wilson
writes:Greetings I know this is going to be a long post but please bare with me, something really weird happened to me very recently and i could really use your insight.Me and a couple of guy friends went out for a friday night but since i dont drink i went home early about 9...while heading back I ran into my ex-gf who lives nearby me ,also heading home.A little background me and my ex so happens to be in the same circle of friends and things are cool between us. Im currently dating my gf for over 10 months while my ex is single. Long story short we kinda missed talking and agreed to go to this 24 hour bowling alley since we used to do it back in highschool, but since my gf doesnt play I also havent played for a long time , i missed the game.Something happened that Im guily of, I feel like Ive cheated on my girlfriend. We didnt share physical contact or did anything sweet or romantic...we only played, eat and talk.Reminiscing about the past, school stories, family things its kinda nice remembering it all we were together for 4 years afterall, she knew my stories , my personality, and what I felt, and it was something that I loved when I was with her. I love my gf and Im only looking forward...but I still "love" my ex not in a sexual way or I want her back way but I love having her around...she's a friend.My friends and some aunts/uncles here before have said the only reason Im feeling this is because I havent had sex with her yet.(it was something we never really rushed or worked into) is it true? I feel I should tell my gf because honestly I've felt like I had a date. Is it wrong to have fun or share something emotional with other girls? I could really used insight and advice...thanks for reading
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cheated on my girlfriend, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 November 2016):
 People cut ties for all different reasons but my guess is the majority cut them because you can never really only be friends with an ex. It does not work like that because you already have shared a lot more than friends do and therefore it is impossible to try and remain friends. Someone usually always gets hurt. That is why a clean break is for the best, and yes you should tell your girlfriend. It is not wrong to hang out with a girl but in this case, it was your ex and am sure your girlfriend wouldn't be comfortable with that. You need to be honest with her.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (6 November 2016):
 They cut contact for different reasons. Sometimes they can't stand each other and sometimes it's because it's easier to move on.
In this case, it's easier to move on, if you cut contact, because you're too familiar on a deep emotional level - which challenges what you have with your girlfriend and that's not fair.
Most exes can't be friends, unless they have children together or moved on *completely* a long time ago - ultimately being at a point where they don't really care if they don't see each other again. You're not at that point and neither is your ex, by the sound of it, so you're not able to keep a healthy distance.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (6 November 2016):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you both for the advice. I know telling her is the right thing I just cant find the words. I watched a lot of romcoms (and loved HIMYM), and is kinda oblivious to the boundaries of a friendly emotional talk to a loving one. So Im telling my GF about it but please let me ask...
She is my first ex so I have no experience with exes, do exes sever ties because they cant stand eachother,or because they can and its holding them back from moving on?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 November 2016):
 This is a two-part answer here, because this encounter you had raises two issues. I'll number them so as to make it easier for both of us to follow my train of thought:
1. YOU SHOULD IMMEDIATELY tell your current girlfriend of this encounter. Hold nothing back as to what happened. This is absolutely imperative if you value your current relationship and girlfriend. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances NOT tell her, because it's a 99% inevitability that she WILL find out anyways, and when that happens, you're toast, and you'd deserve everything you got then. Always tell. Always. That happened to me once - an ex ran into me while I was heading out on break from my job, and he just went to lunch with me without being invited. The moment it ended (my visit with him was less pleasant than yours), I was immediately on the phone telling my current BF everything, the entire truth. It was the absolute right thing to do.
2. Here's the thing though. Be honest with me and with yourself - would you want your current girlfriend or some other girl you were in love with going out with an ex-boyfriend and sharing emotional intimacy like you just did?? That's the source of your guilt. There are such things as emotional affairs, and you know as well as I do that she's not the only bowler in the world, if it was the sport you missed and not her. Trust me - I was on a bowling league once and my mom was an almost-professional bowler. There are plenty of bowlers out there who you haven't had sex with.
Because let me level with you. You and your ex are not and never ever can be platonic. You are a sexual relationship that is no longer sexual. A platonic relationship is one in which sex in actions, feelings, or attractions have never and will never happen. Relationships like your guy friends, your sister, mother, daughter, and girls who you have never had anything closely resembling a history with.
You can never do what you just did with your ex again, unless your girlfriend is fine with it. But you are playing with fire. There are boundaries in relationships, and not just physical ones. You can't have all of the emotional intimacy with your ex and think it's okay unless your GF is okay with it. And if she's not, and it's okay that she isn't, then you choose. Because would you want her to look longingly into an ex's eyes, opening her heart and soul to him, and him doing the same? You'd feel like a grade A chump! And you ARE playing with fire.
So tell her immediately what happened and deal with that. If you continue to KEEP this from her, then you ARE cheating on her. It's called having an emotional affair, and many women actually have as much and sometimes even more of a problem with that than a physical one.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 November 2016):
The fact you're questioning this shows you're not okay with it while you're committed to someone else. If you loved having her around just as a friend, it wouldn't feel wrong, but she is an ex you have a lot of history with and that's why it doesn't feel fair on your girlfriend.
I think you either let the ex go permanently, or tell your girlfriend and let her decide if she wants to stay. If I'm honest, though, most people wouldn't be comfortable with their partner's hanging out (particularly alone) with an ex they have a lot of history with.
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