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female
,
*ridetobe
writes: I am engaged to a wonderful man, well he used to be wonderful. He has recently started being really nasty to me calling me a slag and rough. I have never cheated on him. He always apologises the day after but I can't take much more of it what do I do?
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 Abuse comes in many many froms, just beacuse this guy has not hit you doesn't mean you are not in an abusive relationship! You ahve asked for advice, but I have a feeling you won't follow it.
Get out now.
This guy will destroy your self worth and make you into a snivelling wreck. Eventually you WILL start to believe him. Then he wins. Be strong. Be woman enough to get out.
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): DUMP HIM!! fair enough you may love him but your happiness is the most important factor, end it! no one deserves to be spoke to like that and to be quite honest I think you are foolish for staying with him!!! sorry to be abrupt but its true.
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female
reader, Michaelasgerrard +, writes (18 May 2006):
well you should confront him and tell him you dont like it. if he dosent listen just keep strong and if he dosent stop just leave him until he knows what he is doing is wrong.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (9 May 2006):
 My friend it makes no difference to me pointing out that he has never hit you it would however make him more of a wretch if he did, but the fact is, he disrespects you and that is not fair to you. I wish I could help you but it seems as though you are happy to let this man take the mick, so what more can I say. Bad times at work do NOT excuse that sort of behaviour. There is a cause for his nastiness, you need to get to the root cause and stop defending him, dont you think you deserve to be treated better? xXx
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female
reader, bridetobe +, writes (8 May 2006):
bridetobe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sure enough he apologised again!! I took some of your advice an confronted him about it. He was sarcastic at first and I don't think he really knows how much he hurts me. I think he is having a bad time at work I know its no excuse but we have been together 6 and half years and he never been this short tempered before. I MUST POINT OUT HE HAS NEVER HIT ME.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (6 May 2006):
 I cannot believe your comment about this guy being wonderful and you are engaged to get married.
I don't know how long you have been with him or how soon you got engaged but I have to agree with the others, name calling to this degree is just unacceptable behaviour.
We tell our children not to call others by bad names and then this is OK, I don't think so.
When I was going through counselling with my ex and also personal counselling I used to tell my counsellor how my then partner used to call me all the names under the sun during arguments and then apologise afterwards as he said they were only said in the heat of the moment. Maybe they are not meant but my counsellor did say that we never say something without an element of truth in it of what we are thinking.
I think in there is the fact that I later realised that my partner no longer respected me and basically the reason for this was that he had been having an affair for 2 and a half years which started after my daughter was 7 months old and I was suffering with post natal depression which he could not handle emotionally.
There has to be something in your partners past to explain this behaviour. Does he secretly view all women as slags and is this borne out of the fact that there have been previous issues with other women or something that was said by his mother or something. It seems extremely deep and I would never commit myself to someone who acted in this way.
If you feel that you want to get to the route of this then get him to go to counselling with you so that you can discover more about this behaviour.
If he declines, run for the hills as this behaviour will never change but could deepen into domestic violence and if you are to be married and children come on the scene where does it end eh!!!
Only you can decide what to do at the end of the day but think long and hard and if you want any further advice, come back to any of us as we are here to try and help you and don't like to see anyone suffer in this way.
Best wishes and stay strong right now, you need to.
BFN
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2006): this is a sign of cheating. he's trying to create an argument in order to leave the house so that he could see the "other woman". i mean i think that thats what it means if you say he has never been this way. check on that. dont tolerate his behavior.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (6 May 2006):
Ok let me get this straight. You are engaged to a wonderful man who calls you "lovely" names like "slag" and then he is ever so corteous to apologise the next day. My dear wake up and see this prat for who he is. If your fella cant even respect you then why are you comitting yourself to him? Do you like being belittled and called hurtful names? I know I certainly dont like being called hurtful names. If you want to spend the rest of your life with a man like this, then its your call, but I say get rid, hehas absolutely no manners and no respect. xXx
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (6 May 2006):
 leave him dom not put up with no woman deserves that kind of abuse i hate neen called that my self. just to say to him if you say that again i will break off the break off the engage ment. actually you are better off doing that now he is a disgusting man.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (6 May 2006):
 This isn't 'wonderful' behaviour...it is verbal abuse and not a good start to any committed relationship. Remember that most perpetrators of domestic violence apologise afterwards but it doesn't make it better does it? Perhaps he is not mature enough to commit to marriage at this stage and having a panic. I believe that people who are overtly nasty to others have big issues about themselves - they lash out at others because they are feeling bad about themselves. Perhaps he feels you are too good for him really so is pushing you away, and maybe he has had a bad time with women in the past. Whatever the reason, his words are unacceptable and if you don't address the problem now and let it happen, it can escalate to something worse. I suggest you have a full and frank conversation with him about the unacceptability of his behaviour, don't accept his post-abuse apologies and try to uncover what is really bothering him. If he really thinks you are a 'slag' (I hate that word!) then you really ought to leave him, but the chances are that he thinks you are lovely really - he is just lashing out with words.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (6 May 2006):
 Well I think you need to comfront this behaviour straight away to be honest. Is there any reason he could be doing this, do you think he has unvoiced suspiscions for any reason? Has he been under alot of stress recently? Have you talked about his past, is there anything there that could explain this behaviour?
Whatever is at the core of it, its something you should in no way have to put up with from anybody. You have done nothing to deserve this treatment and need to remember that when comfronting him. If you dont confront him then this will get worse and cause you alot of damage. Maybe you could start by asking him why he says these things when you have been completely faithful and take it from there. Hope that helps.
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