A
female
age
36-40,
*apantaola
writes:Hi everyone,I have been with someone for 6 months and I absolutely adore him. We fell in love and everything was effortless and happy. Since the beginning of the relationship I had the feeling he was maybe a bit depressed but now that he has had some changes in his life (location, job) the depression or depressive episode is very obvious. The way simple everyday things are so hard for him and require so much effort for him and how he says he feels like a machine and just his outlook on life is very flat and screams that he is depressed. My question is not so much how to help him, I can not help him. I can be understanding and hold his hand but I can not change it for him. Therefore my question is more centred around what I can do for myself so that I don't lose my mind.Why would I lose my mind you might say. I have a very hard time trusting men and dealing with the inconsistency of a depressed man. One day or moment he might seem like he treats me with a smile and is happy I am there and the next I feel like I do not exist. This is extremely hard for me. I take it personally and I end up being haunted by thoughts that in fact the reason he is sad and withdrawn is because he is talking to other girls (?!) or because he is simply over the relationship. This is driving me crazy. We used to bond on a more emotional level whereas now he is like a machine in his responses and I need to feel close to him otherwise my mind is free to make up scenarios and just feel lonely. I freak out and become emotionally very demanding sometimes with him and that makes him completely burn out and not even want to give anything back sometimes. I have a therapist who is amazing but I haven't seem her in a while as she is away and I feel that I am losing it. It is as if I can't tolerate it when things are like this with him. I keep obsessing about how they used to be and I find it very hard to accept that he is responsible for his life and if he didn't want me, I would know. Maybe if any guys or girls who have been depressed or are depressed can share their side in why or how not to take it personally?Thank you so much for reading it and taking the time to reply.I really appreciate it.Thanks!! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2015): Don't let them drag you down if its getting to you end the relationship. That mind sound harsh but your happiness is important! I suffered with depression and anxiety myself and at my lowest point I was not capable of having a relationship. If you suffer from any issues yourself this is definetly not the kind of person you should be with. My advice to you if you were a friend of mine would be to move on as you haven't been with this guy very long to have to deal with this kind of thing and you are right that it has to come from them to sort themselves out, his depression could go on for who knows how long
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (28 August 2015):
Consider depression to hole you can't seem to get out of. How do you help him out?? Do you jump into the hole with him and try to push him out...no. You stand outside the hole and pull him out.
When you allow yourself to take on the misery of someone else, then you both need help. You stay happy and positive, no matter what mood he is in. Let him learn from you. Never learn another person's bad habits, let them learn your good habits.
On the other hand...if he is not willing to learn to be in a better mood or wants a better life...then you will have to cut yourself off. Being around negative people too long will cause you to start becoming like them.
Happiness is given to those who fight for it...Happiness does not show up one day at your front door and makes your life better.
Been down the depression road myself. With some prayers...I learn to punch depression in the face, and get on with my life. Depression is a fool...and I have no time for foolishness. Now I have one mood...it's call MY MOOD :) It is happy and positive...and no one takes that away from me. If you try, I say goodbye... I fight every day to keep MY MOOD...From the time I get on the high way in the morning to come to work, everything starts trying to take away MY MOOD.
I get to work and people say "why are you so happy on a Monday...I hate Mondays?" I say...one...I woke this morning..that is a good start. Two...Monday has never done anything to me. If you started work on a Tuesday, you would hate that day too. Every day is the same...all depends on how you set your mind to think about it. I love those who piss me off, and show extra love to those who get on board with MY MOOD. :))
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A
female
reader, autumnsand +, writes (28 August 2015):
 Hello. I have been depressed in the past, and it is an awful thing to live with. However, it is also hard for those around the depressed person to deal with.You are right in saying that you cannot change things for him. Only he can do that. So it is a case of how you can protect yourself so you do not become too affected by his mood and inconsistencies.To be honest, after reading your question, it sounds like your relationship with this man is already really affecting you. You have mentioned your therapist who is away at the moment, and it sounds as though you would really like to see her for help with this relationship and how it is affecting you. You also say that you feel you are losing it, and you are worried you will lose your mind.To me, those are all red flags indicating that this relationship is not healthy for you. I understand that you feel love for this man and want to stay with him, but I am really worried for your mental health in this relationship.I have a nan who has been severely depressed for much of her life, and although family members care about her they find it hard to be around her or even to talk to her over the phone, as they feel emotionally drained afterwards. She doesn't seem willing to get help though.So I personally think that this relationship is unhealthy for you. I think the only way you could not let things affect you is to not spend a great deal of time with him, but of course, that would alter the relationship.I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I think this relationship is having a real negative impact on you and that, for your own sake and his, you should consider ending things with this man. Otherwise, you could end up becoming depressed yourself or feeling unstable, which won't help anything at all.I do feel for the man you are with, but I think he really needs to try and get himself some help. But you need to look after yourself as well. Otherwise, the relationship won't be good for either one of you.I hope things work out one way or another. Take care.
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