A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 17 years (we've been best friends for 26) and have 2 teen children. For the most part, we are very close. He seems to have issues though about hiding things from me and lying about them. We used to fight almost all the time when it came to sex because he has certain things he likes and I felt very uncomfortable doing them. He kept mentioning them every time we had sex so I eventually gave in and done one thing in particular for him. He promised he would never ask it of me again because I felt guilty afterwards. However, the very next time we had sex, he brought it up again. I finally got tired of hearing it so I gave in again and started doing it all the time for him. The more things I would do, the less we fought about sex. When I wanted to do things a little like we used to and would bring it up, he would get mad and accuse me of not seeing all he does in the bedroom for me. I've let him know on numerous occasions that I feel that I'm not enough for him anymore and that he always needs this other stuff included in order to want to have sex with me. He has always denied it and even gotten defensive at times and starts listing all of the romantic things he does. He works several hours away from home and this weekend I came to see him. He wanted me to put an app on his phone and I noticed a new email account on it. When I asked him about it, he said he was looking up something for his roommate and when I questioned the name in the email address (it matched some of his likes), and said "So, this ______@___.com email belongs to George?" and his response was, "I don't know" I entered on the emails and he had been "communicating" with a woman in the town where he's working.She told him about an event that was coming up next month and he told her he would love to accompany her and looked forward to meeting her. He told me he was just playing around on the computer, asked a few questions and that's how it all got started. He said he has never met her nor had any intention of doing so and pointed out that he's not even going to still be working in that town at the time of this event. Before we got married, we even set clear boundaries and agreed on what we classify as cheating. He has now crossed over the line. He has been a good husband and father other than that. He was only 17 and I was 18 when we got married and I've felt that maybe through the years, he has felt that he has missed out but each time I ask, he says no and that he would never jeopardize what we have. Now he has. He has cried and apologized but trust is such as major thing for me. I have to be able to trust him especially with him gone from home so much. BTW, when I first got my computer and got social sites to find school friends, he was always afraid that I would meet someone "better" online and leave him. I never thought he would do this. I do believe him when he says that this is the first time it's ever happened and that he has never met her before I came for a visit, I'm not sure however about the whole "never going to" part. I realize it could have been worse but we had agreed from the beginning that this is cheating and I feel justified in calling it as such. I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of our lives waiting for it to happen again and never trusting him again and I'm sure he will eventually get tired of it as well. I still love him. We have cried together and hugged each other but I have to turn away when he tries to kiss me and I know it hurts him but I just can't force myself to do it. He has always known that infidelity was the one thing that I doubt I would ever be able to forgive. I know it's up to me to decide but I am so lost, confused and hurting because of his betrayal. Neither one of us will ever be happy if I can't trust him anymore and I want us both to be happy but we have already survived so much and I hate throwing away our relationship like he did. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): Well, having been through it myself, I'd say the following would be best.Never assume you cannot forgive someone, for anything.Never assume you know everything.If you love the man, then counseling may help you and him if both of you really go for it and use it fully, openly, and vigorously discuss your marriage and lives together, wants and desires, and you pasts.You are both young, still, although you have been married a while. If you really go for what is needed in counseling, it will be extremely difficult, painful, and may not work.But, if you love each other, really love each other, then it's worth a chance.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 Hi, first off the part were you'se argue over sex, you should never do something you are not comfortable with and your husband should respect this. Just firmly tell him no when your not comfortable. As for the messaging to another women, i can understand why you feel the way you do, but if you want to make this marriage work, then he needs to earn your trust again, would he not be able to get work closer to home, tell him that he needs to work really really hard on your marriage and let him no how badly he has hurt you. We all make mistakes and hopefully this was a once off stupid thing for him to do. I hope you can work it out.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 I can almost feel the marriage tearing apart at the seams from the description you have just given. I must first ask that you not seek to continue this marriage solely for the sake of time spent in it. Yes, you both have spent most of your lives together so far and it would be a tragedy should the marriage end here but, continuing because of that time spent would be more time wasted. That is not a good reason. That being said, I still see hope somewhere in the debris of this crumbling relationship, there is still strength in this monument of a relationship.You cried together and hugged each other, but a spark of intimacy and affection between you. If he truly has not done anything with that woman and regrets risking your marriage, then you may forgive him and you two can move on from that, right?With that aspect cleared, you can focus on sex. Sex, though not AS important, is a significant part of a relationship, it may offer a clearer perspective into your roles in this marriage. You often give in to his wants and what does he do in return? It seems as though he barely considers your suggestions. This can be easily discussed with peace if you both are willing. If such a discussion should stray and escalate towards anger, stop and calm yourselves down.Perhaps you two should look to other aspects of your marriage. How does he treat you? Do you go out on dates together? Does he often show affection or any sign that he still loves you? This is fragile and negative emotions will not help in the slightest. Make each other smile again and try to discuss things peacefully. There is still hope for this marriage and it will not end unless you want it to. You two were happy once were you not? Try and find that happiness once more.I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (26 September 2010):
Well, I understand how you are feeling and the hurt you are experiencing, but I am wondering exactly what it was in the bedroom that you feel so uncomfortable doing? This may shed some light on the situation a bit more.
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