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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: when we first met but that all ended because it was basically my own doing. Recently we hooked up after talking for a few months. Everything just seemed right. We kissed held hands and I made a slight mistake in bringing up relationships. She said to me that she didn't want a relationship because for the first time in her life she didn't have to think about anyone. She has a daughter of 12 and feels free now that she has grown up. She said to see where it goes. After the meeting, I didn't hear from her in 2 weeks but she eventually reached out. Then I did the same thing I didn't reply to her as she was the last to send a message. The message didn't need a reply as such. She again reached out after 9 days. She said it felt ages since we last spoke. We talked for a couple of hours. Then again nothing much was said. Then today I felt the need to ask about how things were between us. She mentioned our chat when we last met. She said she wasn't in the right place for something serious and thought I too wasn't. I told her I was OK. She said that she's finding things difficult at the moment with family matters. She said she will be going to visit them. She left the conversation by saying maybe things will be clearer after her visit to see family.I just thought that if you really truly wanted to be with someone nothing could get in the way? I started to doubt maybe she just wasn't that into me when we met again. It seemed right though and the fact we instantly got intimate. My response to her was that I hope she will be fine. I didn't carry on and just tried to comfort her instead. However I'm just left feeling lost. It might sound selfish but I do care for her and understand she isn't 100% right now. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 October 2019):
 Talk is cheap, OP. And love is something that 's best expressed by actions and behaviours than by words . Actually, love words are fine, of course, but what proves them true is a behaviour that's coherent with the words. She " loves " you , BUT she does not want to be with you and she prefers to enjoy her hew found freedom…... uhm.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 October 2019):
 So why aren’t you together?
Words mean nothing. I could say I love you, does that make it true? She says she loves you yet doesn’t want to be with you, where’s the logic?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, she did actually want us to be together when we were talking over messages for a couple of months. She kept saying 'us' and about her feelings still being the same for me. When we met again for the first time in 7 years she said the same about her feelings and that she loves me.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 October 2019):
You’re right, if people are meant to be, nothing will hold them back.
She’s very clearly told you twice she’s not ready for a relationship, which translates to, I don’t want a relationship with ‘you’. If she wanted to date you, there wouldn’t be any obstacles. You’re wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2019): "I just thought that if you really truly wanted to be with someone nothing could get in the way?"
Life is a bit more complicated than that. However, this lady has clearly communicated that she doesn't want anything serious and has never wavered on that point. She is making things confusing by saying that maybe when she sees her family things will be clearer. Sometimes when people are under immense pressure they feel unable to commit to someone. I don't blame you for hoping things work out if you love her but honestly only time will tell that and you have to give her the space to work it out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 October 2019):
 I fully agree with the other two aunts.
SHE is NOT looking for a relationship. She wants someone to talk to (occasionally) someone to spend time with and some intimacy (again occasionally).
She VERY WELL might like you, but she doesn't want a partner.
IF what YOU are looking for is a GF/partner/potentially a wife YOU need to look elsewhere.
Family issues or not, IF she REALLY wanted a relationship with you she would have TOLD you that from the get go. She didn't, she told you she was NOT looking for anything serious as she was enjoying her "freedom" (whatever that means).
Instantly getting intimate means nothing these days. There are women who deal with sex like some men would, that is to say without getting emotionally attached, and some men like women (by getting emotionally attached).
For some SEX means nothing more than getting off.
Her words and actions are BOTH telling you that SHE isn't that into you (or a relationship) and you need to respect and accept that. That leaves you to CHOOSE whether you want to be her acquaintance with benefits or you want something more. If it's the first, then take what you have with her for WHAT is it, if it's the latter... Wish her well and MOVE ON.
You are wasting your time "hoping" she might change her mind.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 October 2019):
OP, you know how things are between you, because she TOLD you. She told you twice ! and clearly, you are just not processing the information.
She does not want a relationship with you. She does not want to date you , at least not officially / regularly. She is OK with random, casual hookups and with sporadic communication. No pressure, no committment, no obligations.
That does not mean that she does not like you. I am sure she does, in her way, and up to a point. Not up to the point that she'd want to change her plans for you.
I agree that if people really want to be together nothing will keep them apart ,not even family problems. But that's when two people are in love with each other ! She is not in love and I don't think she acted and talked in a way which could make you think that. Unless you think that, because she wanted sex right away… that must mean that she loves you and you are special to her ? because if you thought that, well, that's sweet, romantic and refreshingly naive, but most of the times has got nothing to do with what is really going on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (25 October 2019):
 Unless you want to get badly hurt, you need to LISTEN and to ACCEPT what this lady is telling you. She is NOT looking for a relationship. She is enjoying being single. Stop pushing for a relationship and stop having sex with her. That is just messing with your head.
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