A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, we have been married for 11 years and have two beautiful daughters. My question is that my wife is not or rather seem not to be interested in sex. Whenever I get close to her or try to make a move towards having sex she shrugs me off and says she's not in the mood. We have had this problem for the whole 11 years, even on our honeymoon we did not have any sex. I know she is not cheating on me, and I'm not cheating on her. Problem is becuase of allmost 11 years of no sex I have turned cold, we dont hold hands, nothing. How do I rectify this? How do I start to cherish her again and show my love for her. She says I am not there for her, what does she mean? I know she works and the kids can be tough sometimes, but we both do the household stuff. How can I change my cold heart and possible get her to consider having sex with me. Ladiesyou will probably be in a good position to help here, please any comments to help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Thank you for all the replies, I do believe the small romance things is what will get us back on track. Before we were married there were no problems, not even sex problems, so I guess showing her the appreciation she deserves is what is needed. Again thank you all for the honest feedback and help. Regards
A
female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (14 October 2010):
Hi there,
It could be that your wife is afraid of sex. Did she have a traumatic time when giving birth? Was she depressed after it and maybe still is? You really need to sit down and seriously discuss this with her as it could be any number of things that could be making her feel uncomfortable with being intimate. If she feels she really can't talk to you, feels embarrased or ashamed, get in touch with a therapist or councillor with experience in this field. Saying that it could be that she is just plain knackered with running a house looking after you and the kids. You didnt say how old they were. When mine were small, the last thing on my mind was sex as I was holding down a full time job as well as running the home and I was shattered to the point of collapse and this made me feel unattractive to my husband despite his reassurances. Things improve as kids get older but you do feel in limbo for a while when they are so dependant on you.
Set some "us" time aside for both of you without the kids. Concentrate on good old fashioned romance, ie surprising her with flowers & champagne, tickets to a show, dinner at a nice restaurant, you know the kind of things she'd like. I personally love it when my husband whisks me off for a night in a hotel. I knows he appreciates all I do at home and its his way of saying how much he loves me and our us time. Dont push the issue of sex, you will have to be patient, it may take time so just take things very gently to begin with.
You obviously love your wife otherwise you wouldnt be looking for a solution to this problem. Have a word with your doctor and see if there is any support for yourself as this is stressful for you also. D'y know, a nice big cuddle makes a world of difference so go and do this now!
I wish you both all the best and hope you can get this resolved.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Many times in a situation like this your wife is looking for small displays of your love and affection. Things like telling her you love her before you leave for work. Giving her a kiss goodbye and hello. A small gift just because. Basically, all the things you did when you were dating to show her you were the one. Usually when you start doing these things, she will begin to remember why it was she fell in love with you and warm back up to you.
This will not be an overnight fix. These will add up over time.
Please read through this guy's post. I think something similar will work for you. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/girls-what-does-it-mean-when-my-wife.html
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Dont be so hard on yourself! It sounds like you are unintentionally resenting your wife for her lack of sex drive. You dont have a cold heart, other wise you wouldent be asking for help :-)
Did you have sex before you were married?
Do you know of any bad sexual experiences she might have had before you met?
This is something that you need to talk through with your wife. If this is effecting your day to day relationship it might be worth seeing a couples therapist, he/she will have lots of experience with this type of problem.
Tell her that you love her very much, and you want to spend the rest of your life with her being in a happy loving relationship. Tell her that you want to make love with her because she is beautiful, but you dont want to pester her.
I hope this helps :-)
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