A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay I'm a good looking girl (I am told) and throughout my twenties have never been short of offers. I've had two serious relationships. both ended by me due to different reasons. Got with a guy who was into his alcohol and as a result, this affected my self-esteem as he would constantly stand me up, tell me he wasn't in love with me then change his mind, lower me in front of others etc, etcFinally i see sense to get rid..Went out with a guy that had been attracted to me for ages for about a month or so. He was really into me to begin with but i think he felt a bit intimidated because we had a different level of intelligence. I'm not saying that hewas thick and I'm 100% genius, just that this guy was used to hanging out with ex-drug addicts, people without jobs and low lifes, whereas i was more interested in what was going on in world. Which ever way you look at it, we weren't suited. However al that went through my mind when it finished was "What's wrong with me?"After him (2 months later) i got with a guy at work who was flakey from the word go. He asked me out on a date but then cancelled on me cos he'd met someone who he usedd to go out with. Turns out that didn't work and he asked me again. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. We had a bit of fun together but (by his own admission) he said he was a loser in love, he had been left by his wife 5 years ago and had never had a relationship since. He seemed very into me at first but he used to pick holes in whatever opinion i had and knocked my self-confidence.He also used to smoke pot so probably not the best. I sensed his growing indifference to me so finished it but then felt really bad cos, it's me again.Guy asks me out who's seen me around and i him. He's very besotted to begin with telling everyone he's met me etc, etc. Constantly telling me how he's alwys liked me cos I@ve got a beautiful, kind, face. He had a son by the ex and could only commit to once a week. Thought this might get better but it never did. He never used to take me out for the day or ring me, it was all through text messages that he used to get in touch with me. Then we used to just go to the pub. He had already told me how he liked taking his son out to all theme parks etc, during the day but he never even offered to take me any where like that. Then we just kind of drifted apart. We dated for 2 months.Okay, finally get the chance to date a good looking guy at work who i've been attracted to for a long time. He seems really into me to begin with then after 3 weeks, we go out and he's being cold with me. Seems the ex is still in the picture and he still loves her. I didn't know this at the time. I was drunk and when we got back to my place i confess my feelings for him (which looking back weren't all that strong) and start crying with self-pity cos he doesn't feel the same! Obviously this scared him immensly (i dont' blame him AT ALL) and says he does really want me but doesn't know what he wants any more?? that was the end of that.Okay you're probably all asleep after reading this but this is where my LOW self-esteem started. And now I can't imagine any one ever falling in love with me again, even though I've had 3 men fall in love with me before. It's got to the point where i daren't go out on a date with someone in case they find me boring and reject me.Okay tell me I'm messed up in the head and I'll understand..
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there thanks for the really nice replies. I do realise that my problem is that I need to love myself and I know I am just not doing that at the moment. How do i go about loving myself? I mean what steps do I take to ensure that I think more highly of myself so that if someone does treat me indifferently or badly, I don't take it so personally cos i know I'm actually okay?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): I agree with the previous poster in that you need to take a time out from dating. Get some 'good' counseling. Don't just pick a counselor from the yellow pages, ask some people who seem to have benefited from counseling who they went to, in other words, get a reference.
I am sure there is nothing wrong with your looks by what you describe, there are many men interested in dating you....whats wrong is on the inside, your faulty belief system. You need to get to a place that you love yourself. When you get to the place that you love and respect yourself, you will be indignant if someone treats you in an unloving and disrespectful manner. I know this because I have been there, choosing the wrong guys produced nothing but misery for me. Also, when you love yourself you attract others that agree with you, that you are a lovable person, and they will treat you with respect. It is a lot to learn and it is difficult, but it is so worth it. I bet a year off from dating would not be too much. Consider it an investment in your future.
God bless you, one more thing, stay away from people with addictions, they are incapable of loving correctly. They are by nature of their disease, very selfish people.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Christ what a mess!
My first impression is that you are choosing losers to date, because if you can pass someone off as being a bit of a lose,r it doesn't sting quite so bad when you break up...And also it seems like you don't think you deserve much better? Also, In think some of the guys you've dated have had much less self esteem thanyou, and probably thought you were too good for them, so they tried to break you down.
I think you're just unfortunate in your choices, the good looking guy from the office probably would have worked out, had the ex not beein in the picture (I know you didn't know, but never a good idea to get involved with someone ewho's ex is still lurking!).
Perhaps you need some time away from men, get back on your feet confidence wise. Get a new haitcut, get a new outfit, gets some girl friends and have some fun!!
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