A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been friends with this guy since I was 17 (We are both 22 now). Although we lost touch after high school graduation, we recently met again for dinner and coffee. Surprisingly it wasn't awkward like I thought it might be. We had a wonderful time, laughed a lot, and found we had very much in common. We've been meeting for a couple months now and I still feel the same. I'm starting to like him very much. Despite our busy schedules, he drives an hour to see me and I set aside every Saturday to see him. I hope I'm not getting to ahead of myself but I do feel a strong connection. We haven't established that we're dating but I think it's obvious enough where we're heading. Things are looking good but I have a pondering thought. He's Christian and I'm Atheist, and I wonder if that would make us incompatible. The only religious things we know about one another is that he's Christian, his parents are pastors abroad, and I'm non-religious. He has many Christian friends while I have mainly non-religious friends. I have my opinions but I'm not an active athiest. In fact I have almost no exposion to religion. Out of curiosity, I visited his social network profile and saw that most of his Christian-related posts were hidden. I found that unusual because I remember seeing albums of his church retreats.Can a Christian and Atheist be compatible? Or does it truly depend on how strongly affiliated each individual is? I welcome responses from everyone, religious or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): I'm a Christian, and I can say that even within Christians there are MANY different types and degrees of extremism. for example, I was raised to believe that women are equal to men. my church had women pastors and had openly LGBT people serving in leadership roles, and often participated in community volunteer activities with other religious groups (of other religions, I mean).my husband's family, however, are fundamentalists. Never mind being intolerant to other religions, they even SHUN other Christian denominations who do not adhere to their narrow set of doctrines (about anything relating to theology OR non-theology like the kind of clothes you wear), as being "not true Christians." They judge everyone else's faith and love to say that if you, for example, listen to rock music and watch "secular" movies or are a career woman, then you must not be a true Christian. I will not and cannot participate in their church because they are simply too judgmental that I cannot feel this is right. They also believe that women should not be equal to men, not to mention their intolerance to people of different orientations. To me, their brand of religion is non-loving, non-supportive, and instead is meant to isolate and be destructive. It has given my husband (who grew up brainwashed in that environments) many psychological and emotional issues that required years of therapy to undo - 'secular' therapy no less, which these people also shun. so it all depends on what 'type' of Christian your boyfriend is as to how it will impact you and the relationship. How extreme and conservative is he?if you don't know how 'religious' he is, then you don't know him well enough yet to be able to tell if a long term relationship is feasible. The only way to tell is you're just going to have to continue progressing this relationship so that you can get to know him better and then see what you learn about him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): It depends entirely on HIS level of intensity about his religious beliefs. I would say that if he is very fundamental then yes he relationship will reach a dead end at some point. But no one can predict the future. He may change his beliefs or ease back on them. Or you might find that his religion speaks to you and you might sincerely have a religious conversion. Some people of his religion may go so far as to seek out atheists to date so that they can convert you. If you ever feel pressured by him to join his religion that isn't a good sign for a relationship.
I say just take it one day at a time. If the religion issue is going to come between you, it will. Just cross that bridge when and if you get there.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (5 April 2013):
 Well okay, it seems that some are assuming that this guy is a super conservative, bible-thumping Jesus maniac who a) believes in hell and b) believes you're going there, and c) will brainwash any offspring you may have.
Man.
There are definitely some crazy zealots out there. There are fundamentalists. Okay. But there are PLENTY of people who believe in a Christian God who are perfectly normal, lovely people who don't care if you join them in saying "Oh my God, what the hell is this shit?!?" when they taste my husband's cooking for the first time. People who believe in science, pro-choice, equal rights for all, evolution, who think that Christianity may be right for the, but is not the only answer for any sort of spiritual yearning. There are Christian's who believe that a person might find Buddha or Allah or Zeus or Nature or Newton, Galileo and Freud to be the best religion for them, and as long as whatever they believe encourages them to be a better person and helps them find truth in this universe, then that is clearly a "right" religion too.
Maybe your man is a crazy bible-thumper. And therefore, maybe it's not gonna work out. If he's constantly trying to convert you, not gonna work out. If you're constantly trying to disprove him, not gonna work out. But if your fella just likes him some Jesus, and you're cool with that - though it's not your cup of tea personally, that can work just fine. Me and my husband get along just splendidly even though he's an atheist and I'm a very spiritual person (my Mom is a minister too). I'd say that he is MUCH more "religious" in his "non-religiousness" than I am.
So in a nutshell: yes, I think it has to do with how extreme you both are. If you both are comfortable and welcoming of each other's spiritual/non-spiritual fulfillment, wherever or however you may find it, then you'll be dandy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2013):
 I'm a non-practicing Jew who is married to a non-practicing catholic. The reason it works.. we don't practice our respective religions.
I can see problems coming up in a serious relationship if he's very devout and practicing weekly (church every sunday and maybe other events) and you don't believe at all.
if you get serious... then what... what about raising kids. If you are an atheist and he's a devout practicing christian how will you choose to raise the children?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (5 April 2013):
It can be compatible but like any important things in a relationship, you would need to talk to him about it should the time come. Until then just try to get to know each other more and see where it goes.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2013):
 Does he know you are atheist? There's a difference between being non-religious/on the fence/agnostic and being atheist. Being atheist means you reject all the things he believe in... Yes, to me that would be a big problem. If he truly is religious then he will have problems with this, because he believes he will have a life after death and go to heaven, whereas you believe you will rot in the earth. So he believes if he dies he will get to see his loved ones again.. except he can't see you. I figure that is a bit of a problem, yes. Not to mention the difficulties you'd have in raising children.
Your personalities might be compatible, but your beliefs are not. I am a Christian and I once dated an atheist. When I found out he didn't believe humans had souls.. well sorry but I got to say I couldn't see myself being with him. Religion and beliefs isn't just for conversation and debate you know.. they impact your view on life, how you live, what you value, and basically affects your every day life.
How could I possibly explain the way I feel connection to other humans, because we have souls, to a person who believes personality is just a lucky mixture of genes? Someone who believes that love is just a chemical possess, and that conceiving children isn't special, because you aren't bringing a soul into the world, you're simply... I don't know.. making a genetic cocktail mix like in a science project?
How can I feel connection to a person who thinks my beliefs are an illusion? That when I feel secure in God and his guidance, I am just making it up?
The only way this can work is if you get on the fence and at least acknowledge that in HIS world, there is a God. It's just that you can't feel or hear or see. But he can.
Perhaps you can convert to at least being agnostic?
Can you compromise? Can you marry him if that is what he wants, and stand before a God you don't believe in and promise to be his until death do you part? Because that is what he will want in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): It's impossible to tell in these circumstances OP because you don't actually know anything about his religious beliefs and have never really discussed them thoroughly with him. If you did you'd kind of know whether you were compatible or not.
To be honest though, as far as dating is concerned then I see no reason why it should be a reason not to give it a shot.
I mean once he opens up to you as a partner or a lover, you'll see the extent of his religion as it's a massive part of his life it's going to be a big part of what he has to share.
The only thing I must warn you is you're going to find out that regardless of how well you know him, seeing that side of him is going to make him quite a different person. You're going to be very shocked when you find out who he really is, whether that's a negative thing or not remains to be seen.
I have a few Christian friends, two of them exceptionally devout. One is even a creationist whack-job. He's a great friend though, would help in you any way possible and he's not emotional about his religion to the point where he can openly, calmly and happily talk to me about the things I disagree with in his faith. He thinks homosexuality is a mental disease that needs to be cured, he sees it as a sign a person has been abused as a child and he thinks everything possible should be done to cure it.
Regardless of the known scientific, psychological and common sense facts that it's nothing like that he refuses to see it any other way. But that's fine because he does not treat gay people any way badly, he would never judge a person for being gay and actually feels sorry for them in a lot of ways so I accept his idiotic point of view and it's fine. But me and him wouldn't be good partners with a view to a long term future. There is no chance in hell I want any of my kids to be raised to believe anything other than homosexuality being nothing important, just a boring mundane sexual orientation as normal and meaningless as heterosexuality.
There is no way I could have a relationship with someone who ignores that evolution, dinosaurs etc. are established facts. Frankly I wouldn't work with someone who refuses to believe a fact, you can't refuse to believe something that is 100% proven, to me that's insane.
There is no chance in hell I'd ever want kids with someone who would raise them to ignore facts, I mean fair enough until they're 10 years old then superman, santa, the easter bunny in fact the world is full of beautiful fairies and princesses, but that's where it ends for me.
My other Christian friend then is Catholic, very devout. No sex before marriage, abortion is 100% murder, condoms are the devils sheaths etc. But she is very intelligent, kind and caring. She works very hard not to let people see how devout she is and she practically never mentions god, because people would see her as a weirdo here in Ireland seeing as we're all very secular these days.
I knew her about 3 years before I ever heard her talk that way and frankly it was a shock. I love her dearly as a friend but when I hear people talk about god as this real life being who they can trust and who loves me and shit, I can't help it, my head just thinks "holy shit, this person is a complete nut case". OP you have to understand here in Ireland, the words Jesus, god, holy, are all exclamations. In America you say Jeez or gosh because it's rude to say gods name like that, we don't give a shit. "Jesus fucking christ" is probably the most popular exclamation here and no one finds that offensive.
So when she we started talking about Jesus in an actual serious way like he's a person that exists I was very taken aback and shocked. Like she'd be stressing about something and suddenly say "it's okay I talked to Jesus today and he said everything would be fine, I'll be okay because god will help me, or god will fix this" I was a thinking like "woah, are you feeling okay? You need a doctor or something?"
OP I accept religion, I don't bash people for it unless they try and convert me or try and attack my beliefs on gay marriage etc. I don't think any less of them for being religious but there is an underlying part of me that thinks what a utterly stupid way of thinking. I can't help that. The thing I've learned from the two of them is that while I think religion is idiotic I completely think it can be logical in the sense of a hobby that brings people a lot of comfort and joy. Neither of those two are bigots just because of their religion but they do ignore anything that challenges their faith, they ignore any evidence or reason that says parts are wrong. They just refuse to believe anything that fits into their nice little faith bubble.
I could not raise kids like that, I could not raise kids who come to me and say "daddy I was beaten up in school today but I'm not going to do anything god will punish them" or "It doesn't matter if I rape a woman, god forgives all of us" or anything like that.
You that's where the real issue comes into play. There is zero chance in hell that a religious person is going to accept their kids being brought up with an open mind, a religious person is duty bound to raise more little soldiers for christs cause, little brainwashed idiots that will ignore reason if their pastor says they have to. I will not allow my kids to be raised with such an idiotic belief system. So I could never date a staunch christian, it would never lead to any kind of future, they'd hate that I'd be so opposed to leading an actively christian life, it goes against everything their thought to raise kids any other way and frankly the idea that I may have a gay son who is hated by his mother due to her shitty religious ideology is not something I'd ever risk.
Great friends, but I couldn't their life as a partner. Your choice is easy OP, get to know his religious before you date him or get to know after. But you are going to have to find out whether his fundamental beliefs are going to clash with the kind of life, relationship and future you want to have.
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