A
female
age
,
*ulilla
writes:HelloHave a question I urgently need answering. I am at the end of a pretty terrible 11 year relationship with a guy. He is goodlooking, very talented, intelligent, and can be amusing. He also had a really bad childhood where he got abandoned by his real mum and then adopted by a new mum who didn't love or approve of him. Result it screwed him up,he sees himself as a victim all the time, he's a classic Poor Me.He married a woman as nasty as his adopted mum and she left him for somebody else. Then I came on the scene, I fell in love with him and my way of trying to deal with the situation was to do everything I could - we ended up quite quickly in a position where I worked to keep the roof over our heads,while he spent his evenings drinking, I clothed him, fed him,took him on holidays - but I'm not rich far from it, I'm struggling, and worse than the money side of things is that I tried to get him to give up the victim thing by constantly pointing out all the things he could do, all the advantages he really had in life, validating him all the time, and at the end of it all he's still mentally ruled by his mother and to a less extent by his ex,I am now literally bankrupt and about to be homeless.I am the type of person who would normally walk away. Should I ? Or should I take something of value which he has which he refuses to sell dspite my desperation ? Should I tell a few key people exactly what has gone on over these years ? Hope you can help.
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female
reader, julilla +, writes (27 October 2009):
julilla is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks eveyone who replied. All very helpful, the consensus seems to be get out and don't look back which I was going to do anyway. Will be leaving empty handed,not going to attempt any reposessions as it were, as for telling people a few salient facts, the jury's still out on that one, the evidence speaks for itself really, a taker's a taker, not just from me but from everybody they meet, and as somebody wrote, people will realise that for themselves, they probably don't need to be told.
Good luck to all.
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (27 October 2009):
so long as you tell the TRUTH, your on safe ground... don't embellish, no color commentary... just the truth.
"Sadly, I've had to make the hard decision to end this __ year relationship, due to overwhelming financial stress. I am going to focus on rebuilding my life and paying off my 50% of the debts accruded during this relationship, and would appreciate your understanding during this painful period. It is my intention to make the high moral road, and not enguauge in slander or story telling."
I'd get some free legal advice, and see if you can limit your liability to 50% of the common debt, and then negotiate that 50% down to 10% to 15%. Today, most creditors will work with you to avoid bankrupcy as they relaize that they're out of luck when you take that road. Most would rather settle for a bit more than what they'd get in bankrupcy.
Good luck- and don't let the MF back into your life...
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (27 October 2009):
 Unfortunately there's no legal compensation when you realise you've been hosting a parasite. There's no harm, (to you), in letting people know what a sponge he's been, though quite often in that kind of situation outsiders have already figured it out for themselves. I would seek legal advice. If you can prove that he owes you money, then you may be able to retain something of his until he pays you,(that's how it works here in Australia anyway), but it would be best to check up on that. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 October 2009):
 I would recommend you visit a solicitor to see if there is any legal remedy for the situation you find yourself in. Bring in all your financial documents and any correspondence between you and this man as it might help.
I agree with Old Guy that you should be careful with "taking" something that might result in legal charges against you.
As for telling people, well, keep in mind that the story isn't going to paint either of you in a particularly attractive light. I probably would tell people, but then I'm not very shy. I guess it would depend on what you hope to gain from the disclosure.
Sorry about your dire straits. I hope things brighten up for you.
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A
female
reader, julilla +, writes (27 October 2009):
julilla is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your reply. I think the comment about the police is pretty shrewd, I think its accurate, based on what I know of this person, very much a case of whats yours is mine, and whats mine my own, which is the opposite of my nature, and the reason why I posed the question because its very very hard for me to thnk about taking things and bad-mouthing people. Neverheless, I do wonder about the future - embittered ? just a mug ? Plus, if I don't speak, yeah I get to keep my dignity, or whats left of it, but he gets carte blanche to carry on sponging off people. Worked with me, and no consequences.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): You can be sure that someone like that would promptly file a complaint with the police if you took something of value. Yes, by all means tell people about what you've been through, but I'm afraid the best you can hope for is to walk away with your pride. But do walk away, and never look back.
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