A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just seen a guy again who I met a year ago. We get on very well and have a connection. I have one dilemma .I am 39 a mother of an amazinh boy. This man is 35 with no permenant job and my gut feeling is that he may be a little troubled. Im a very sensitive person and i always get drawn to troubled souls. I tried to talk myself out of seeing him bfr but I feel such a pull towards him and not just in a sexual way although there is a strong chemistry between us. I am not lonely or actually desperate to get involved but I do have a habit of following my heart all the time. Should i follow my head or heart again ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 February 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
Don't take in strays, unless we are talking cat or dogs. A human being, you can't MAKE him feel better, do better byt "helping" him out or by loving him.
He SHOULD look to put himself in a position where HE can GIVE something back to the relationship. My guess is, if you give him an inch he will TAKE a foot.
Use your head on this one and your gut - they seem to be in accordance that he really isn't someone you would find happiness with.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (13 February 2014):
Dear OP,
To me, it's never "head" against "heart". BOTH of them need to agree on something, in order to be happy. So, if you try to overhear that voice of doubt - that's actively ignoring some important information. Besides.. you said it's HEAD or HEART. Yet, it was your gut feeling (!) - your intuition - that told you this man is troubled. So.. if you decide for him.. you're not just ignoring your head, but also your guts right now.
I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe you can ask yourself some questions:
1) Do I want to invite this man into my life? Why? What do I think he can give me? What could I need that he has to offer?
2) Will this man help me be a better mother and stay mentally sane? Will this man be just as loyal to me as I would be to him?
3) Do I like this man - just as he is, right now - or do I secretly hope he'll change during the next months? Will I be able to accept him, the way he is now, in case he doesn't change?
4) "I do have a habit of following my heart all the time". Has this habit made me happy? Were there situations where it lead to regret?
My advice is to do some soul searching and to at least take it slow. Slower than your heart is telling you. And really wait till your head, heart and guts have got an answer, because you shouldn't act against a part of yourself. Also, even as a romantic person, I believe love isn't worth just any kind of sacrifice. Sometimes, when you love and you want to make a relationship happen, you need to give up some old habits, change some behaviors and make compromises. That's okay. But there's a point where it starts to become self-destructive and you shouldn't miss it. That's not romantic or "following-your-heart" anymore, that's just "hey, let's punish myself and wreck my life one more time".
I wish you the wisdom to make a good decision for yourself and to get some insight into why you always chose "troubled souls". Is it the best choice for you, or do you think you don't deserve any better?
Good luck, E.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): It's a potential disaster. Forming relationships with wayward or down-trodden men is a risk even a single woman with no children should take. Whomever you invite into your life, your son will suffer for as well.
No, don't take in strays! You deserve better. You're struggling single-mom, and raising a child who needs you. Your life has only the usual complications. Don't bring drama and his messy life into your son's life.
Your mistakes are his grave misfortune. You don't have room for that.
Being sensitive doesn't mean being reckless or foolish. You can't save him. That's crap in the movies, or on television.
It is total nonsense that "love" is going to turn his life around.
Getting a decent job, an education, and a self-motivated makeover will save him. Not your pity and undeserved care-giving. Florence Nightingale is not on-call here.
Never never follow your heart unless your brain is
in-charge. If you were talking about a career move, or some creative endeavor that will improve life for you and your son. That's when you "follow your heart." Not for men with troubles.
No insult intended by saying this; but you're mature enough to know better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): Agree, follow your head, think about this, helping him to get his life back on track is one thing, and a kind thing to do, (he has to make it on his own too, as we all do) but a r/ship with him or dating is another thing altogether.
You have a son to think of, he must come first. This guy has no job and is troubled you say, this may cause issues and is a big commitment for you. Can he help provide financially? is he emotionally and mentally stable enough? Physical attraction can be very strong, but you do need to pause and think too, follow you head.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): Follow your head woman. This guy wants sex. You will find the right man when the time is right.
Now days all people want to do is have sex on the second date. Don't. Find the man that will love you for who and what you are. Not for 10 minutes of 'who hit john.' You want a guy that you can marry have a meaning relationship with. One that will enable both of you to "rock" each others world until.... well.... age sets in..... Then that's where the real love is. That's when you both know you where went for each other.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (13 February 2014):
 ALWAYS follow your head.
If you want to be happy and have a quality life then you have to make good choices and consider the long term, not just what feels good in the moment.
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