A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I got married when I was 19 and had two kids by the time I was 22. Also divorced at 22. Rebounded into a relationship with the wrong person for a year and then met my ex 3 years ago. I was 24 she was 19.She is beautiful and has a huge heart. She treated my 2 kids like her own. Although she didn't want children when we first started dating after we were together for a year we planned to have our son. I promised her I would be there to support her and that I was a good father. It took some time but we finally got pregnant. When she was 6 months along and working full time and also raiding my other kids along side me I decided to go out every weekend partying with my friends and sometimes not coming home until 6am. She threatened to leave but she didn't. I kept it up. Then when our son was born I broke my promise of helping her. I didn't even so much as change a diaper. I told her I didn't even wanna stay at the hospital with her because she had a long hard labor and I was tired. I used all of my vacation days on stupid things so I didn't have any time to spend with them. I fought in her hospital room on the phone with my ex because she wanted me to keep my scheduled weekend which was the next day. I chose to leave her alone with my new son and pick up my other kids. She developed postpartum. Her mother helped her through it because I couldn't give her comfort. After that she would get angry with me a lot. I always left her alone instead of listening. I lied to her repeatedly and drank when I knew she didn't want that kind of thing in our relationship from the start. I bugged her to lose the baby weight, made fun of her stretch marks and threw fits when she didn't want to have sex. She finally snapped and left three weeks ago. I am so lost without her and I'm trying to change but she said its too late. It'd all my fault what can I do to show her she means the world to me? Help!!!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 If you are here looking for advise on how to get this girl to take you back into her life you are wasting your time, as she said, its too late, and good on her for having the nous to recognise that fact!
No nonsense Aiden has some very good tips for you, I agree with him the only course open to you is to start being a decent person with some self respect and build a decent, respectful relationship with the mother of your THIRD child.
You screwed up, and there are now two families with a dead beat dad, how about you keep your old fella in your pants for a while, give him a rest while you grow up and start taking care of the responsibilities you have now, instead of creating a third family with a dead beat dad!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 November 2015):
 YOU behaved like a TOTAL ASSHAT (thank you, Aunts, for that word!).... and you think that SHE is going to accommodate you????
How much of a jerk do you have to be before you realize that you ARE a JERK... and she deserves better??????????
If'n I were you... I'd go to her....kiss her A$$.... paint her toenails, brush her hair, clean her house... and do ANYTHING I COULD to convince her that I now realized what a MEGA-JERK I had been... and was prepared to do whatever it takes to get this delightful lady to accept such an ASS as I have been.... to try to make a life together...
Honestly....do you young guys have not a brain in your heads to understand what life and relationships are about????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2015): Gosh everybody here is being very kind to you aren't they?? You knew EXACTLY what you were doing to your girlfriend when you were behaving like that. You knew what you were doing and why you were doing it. And now you want sympathy?? You want help?? If you really want to change, and I seriously doubt that you do, then get yourself enrolled in a course of therapy for abusive men, because that is exactly what you are and you know it. I strongly suspect that you have written this post to show your poor girlfriend 'how very sorry you are and what lengths you are going to, in order to change'. In the hope of getting her back and continuing to treat her in this godawful way. What a load of ....If you didn't want to control her, destroy her confidence and her happiness, then you would never have behaved like this in the first place. You want people to believe that you are without your own will? That you behaved like this BY MISTAKE?? You may fool others here, but I know exactly what you are and SO DO YOU!!If you had any shred of decency I would ask you to leave this poor girl alone but I may as well piss in the wind.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 November 2015):
I think you need to look at why you did what you did. I don't mean as an excuse, I mean what was wrong in yourself that you would willingly and consistently treat the person you love in such an awful way.
Usually when people bully and verbally abuse others it's because they are unhappy with themselves in some way and they want to tear others down to make them miserable too. You can obviously see that your behaviour was out of order so you do know right from wrong, so there must be another reason why you did it.
Time to look inwards and try to understand what you got out of treating her like that and why. Then you can work on actually fixing it and becoming a better man. It might also help if you can explain to her why you acted the way you did. Again, not as as excuse, but as proof that you are serious about changing and you are actively taking steps towards it.
However, you may need to accept that she might never give you another chance. I left my partner of 6 years at the start of this year after years of feeling neglected and let down. People had been telling me to leave for ages but I stayed and kept trying to make it work, until one day something just snapped and I realised I couldn't do it any more. He has worked hard over the last 10 months to prove he has changed and I actually believe him, but it really is a case of too little too late. My feelings have changed and I could never go back.
Remember though, even if she won't take you back, taking steps to become a better man will benefit you greatly in the long run.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (6 November 2015):
I think you were very young when you had your first marriage and took on responsibilities you were never really ready for. All of your relationships have gone wrong and ended unhappily and so you pushed this poor girl away. It sounds like you weren’t this selfish when you pledged your support to her as you planned to have a child together. It sounds now like you are condemning your behaviour in the strongest terms. I wonder if you doubted whether it would work and, perhaps out of fear, got locked in to a pattern of selfish and abusive (yes abusive) behaviour either to get the inevitable over with, or to try and assert control to stop her leaving. That’s my reasoning for why you acted this way. There are always reasons for our behaviour, but they aren’t excuses. You could have and should have got your act together, stepped up to the plate and been there. Hindsight and crying over spilt milk won’t help now: she has snapped, and some of the behaviour you describe is so disgraceful that it’s a miracle she didn’t sooner. “What can I do to show her she means the world to me?” Well, when everything you’ve done so far shows her she means little more than a babysitter, a physical object for your ridicule and the last thing in your list of priorities, you’ve got your work cut out. The important thing now is to realise that the relationship may never be salvaged: that’s up to her and you shouldn’t pressure her about that. What you do need to do is be a support for her now, so that you can at least know that you’re a better person now as the past can’t be undone. Tell her that you understand and accept how hurtful your actions have been, tell her that you are truly sorry and ashamed and tell her that you understand that talk is cheap and that she has every right to doubt you unless your actions match your fine words. You may very well only be able to establish civil relations with her and your focus will have to be centred on your son, because if you think she should get back with you anytime soon, you’re in denial about the gravity of your selfishness. You’re in this for the long-haul. Tell her to call when she needs anything. Tell her that you would like to agree times when you can babysit your son so she can have a break, and show up in good time and look smart: don’t turn up fresh from a boozy party, tired and unenthusiastic. Ask her how she is. Get him back when you agreed. Thank her when he appears clean and well cared for. What you need to do is reclaim your self-respect. There’s a good chance she’ll never give you another chance again because she won’t want to take the risk that you will again prove yourself a lousy boyfriend. She might just respect you though, if you can show your son that you’re a dad to be proud of, and it really isn’t too late to do that. Make an effort and be there: that’s it really. Maybe you had to lose something special to take a long, hard look in the mirror. You will have to live with that, but striving to do better in the future will allow you, in time, to forgive yourself. And go to a counsellor to try and understand why you behaved in this way: should you meet some-one in the future, it would be a terrible shame if history repeated itself.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (6 November 2015):
 Well first step is acknowledging where you went wrong, and it seems like you have done that, which is good. Now you have to make them changes. She isn't going to take you back straight away, as you already know you've put her through a lot. The only thing I would advise for now for you to do, is try do the things that you didn't do. Maybe not with her just yet, but with your son. Share all that love and release all the positive energy into him and she might see it and feel like you're doing different things to what you used to do, which will pull her in. Stop drinking and going out for a while and focus on winning your family back!
Words are very minimal, you've got to show her you're genuinely sorry and you need her. It seems like you made her feel insecure about herself too, send gifts here and there that you'll know that might put a smile on her face, constantly remind her how much you adore her and want her. A woman won't leave if she feels wanted. But for all that to happen you've got to work for it. So to start with, focus on how you're planning to change things and show your actions from there
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