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*omerjsimpson
writes: Hello again Dear Cupid and all of the Agony Aunts (and uncles I guess) =DI'm sure that the last relationship problem I had was the last time I was on here. We broke up because I walked in on my own home and found her in bed with another 1 year ago. That's old news and I thought that I'd got over it all, although I seem to be drowning in a sea of pain over my recent relationship.I've had a fair few dates which haven't come to anything other than a couple of drinks. I didn't even have sex with any of these girls and most of the time wasn't really after such. I was out one night and twigged with a girl (Although me being 27 and she being 40) there are obvious problems there from the outset. We have been seeing each other for 14 weeks and it's hit me hard on how much I love her. We have so so much in common and I love her company. I've had issues from the beginning of our sex life with not being able to climax but that seems to be just an on and off thing. Although she has a stange sense of humour sometimes and she joked (not going into too much detail on the joke, but it involved comparing my size to her ex-husbands) I obvously came off worse and that didn't help me with my retarded ejeculation issue. I'm alright if I don't think about it and she has somewhat convinced me that I'm of a satisfing size of which I've never had an issue with but my recent insecurities have probably amplified the impact of her remark. The problem is I think my little guy has a bruised heart =). She was married (and still is until the paperwork is final) to her husband that started to be very distant (although her relationship was on the rocks for a long time) she came home to find him and his stuff gone. I obvously wasn't around then and it had happened 6 weeks before we met. This causes issues for my insecurities and I'm sure for hers. While after about 6 weeks of being with her, her dog had to be put to sleep. This opened more of a problem with her life seeming to be crashing down. She's going through a rough patch and I'm always trying to impress and cheer her up. I seem to have slipped into a panic with feeling like I mean nothing to her other than company. I stay probably way too much and when I'm not around I start to think she is sleeping with other guys or playing some game with my heart. If I don't come around to her house and see her, she doesn't ask any questions, I feel like it's almost of a relief to her that I'm not there. When the divorce is made final and she can look for a new place to live she has warned me (many a time) that she will probably not know what she feels and expect time apart. Being constantly distant and being led on by the small amounts of feeling close to her is driving me insane. I wouldn't say that she is pushing me away on purpose as she sometimes realises that she is and apologises. My head is all over the place with this and I feel that I want to end it before she may. I really really miss her when I'm not about but I'm sure too much of me and she will lose her mind :P. I feel very much in pain and all I want to do is hold her! I'm not sure if this is compensating for my last tragic end or whether this is 'love' at its highest. I've already said that I will propose, it's just a matter of time. She has said that I should wait until I know the answer. I've had a few strops and feeling down and I'm sure that she doesn't need that from me as it's old wounds and she has a few fresh ones. I have managed to feel a little settled and I don't want to make her feel any other way than good. I'd do anything for her and she's even picked a date for me to stop smoking. I probably just need some reasurance or some advice if anyone can see through anything. I'm panicking and I don't like it. I love her, and I don't like that either - she has me at a disadvantage and being hurt again is so much of a fear to me. But when she shows me that she loves me it feels sooo good! (I've never been this lovey dovey! I'm an emotional wreck!)BTW: the age thing is of no concern to either of us on any level other than she won't ever look as good as I do :p (joke) She really is beautiful! (inside and out)I probably don't expect an answer with this until it can be explained a little more but ask away of me and I'll go into more specific details.
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reader, Tommy7  +, writes (6 October 2007):
Realize she is a different person than your prior gf. Flying off the handle is a good way to start her thinking of someone better. Treat her like you would want to be treated. Each time you feel jealous, think what is the cause. Then if it is something she can reasonablly correct tell her how you feel and ask her cooperation. Start each time you see her as an opportunity to demonstrate your love for her.
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male
reader, homerjsimpson +, writes (6 October 2007):
homerjsimpson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, since the last time I was here we have gone steady. Appart from a few bad events where I flew off the handle it has come down to me being asked to drop all of my fears and stupid thoughts otherwise were going to ruin what we have. Since I cannot do anything but drop my fears of thinking she is cheating on me all of the time and always suspecting her of doing things behind my back. Her need for time appart doesnt seem to have been too bad and I think I may be able to cope a little better with that now. I just have one question. Since she is forcing me to forget about my past and making me trust her, how can I just make her realise how vaunrable I feel. If I could make her see and understand that I would feel alot better and I would be able to trust her that little bit more. She has never been cheated on and she seems to be like I was once in my last relationship with no worries about that kind of thing. I want to do this for her and I am going to try. Any words of advice on how I get her to understand how all of the little things hurt so much.Thanks in advance
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male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (16 September 2007):
You spend too much time dwelling. I think you need to make a point of occupying your mind with different thoughts. I find reading and watching comidies works for me.
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male
reader, homerjsimpson +, writes (15 September 2007):
homerjsimpson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell if were not together then I'm I single? If so then what Im I supposed to do with all these feelings. I can't just turn them off and if I could then I wouldn't be writting here. There wouldn't be a problem. If she is needing this time and goes and sleeps with someone else which your saying is probably going to happen then I've had my heart ripped out again. It's been a year excactly that I was in the same situation. I gave her time and space and she cheated on me. Now my current girlfriend is going to do the same. I'm sorry that Im so loving and giving and so honest and upfront. Im sorry that I have a heart and I wish that I didnt! I really wish I was a normal guy who just goes sleeping around for pleasure and loves someone but isn't that bothered. You have to relise that I know no one person who hasn't cheated. Why Im I so different, why do I fall in love. I can't help the way I feel about her and I cant keep doing this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): Well, so far, so good. Now you need to be very strong and GIVE her the space she needs, without pressuring her and/or driving yourself crazy because you are not with her!You can rise above your fears, though, and do this. Tommy7 made a very good point re. waiting until she's six months past her divorce........
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male
reader, homerjsimpson +, writes (14 September 2007):
homerjsimpson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tommy7, and thank you 'anonymous female' it was a very helpful answer. Its like you knew more than I told you. I am being selfish and making her feel suffercated. I am big enough to admit that and I am going to try. She did warn me of this time appart but has reasured me that I am not a rebound guy, she's already had one of those, possibly more I dont care. I dont want to hear about them, it hurts for some reason, I also hurt over not being in her past and I have no idea why I hurt so bad, maybe I took comfort in my last 8 year relationship in that sense. I was my ex's first and Im in a relationship. Anyway, she relises that this isnt a rebound and she has told me many many times. She is an experienced woman who has suffered bad ends in most or all of her long term relationships. I feel a connection through that and although she is very independant I still feel the need to comfort her. I think I make a reasonable effort to cheer her up and she said last night that I make her feel happy most of the time. She has also stated that this 'time apart' is just for her to find her feet and you have confirmed that. She doesnt want to find another and she seems to just want me. When the 'time apart' does arrive (probably very soon) she said that she still wants to see me and she has said that she doesnt want me to think that she is going to be cheating on me. I am still on call for that =D which makes me feel special. I am not someone who cheats and if the oppertunity arrises then I have a very good ability to say no as I had oppertunities in my last relationship to do that. I have never cheated before on anyone and I am so confident that I wont ever. I take alot of pride in trusting myself. I think she relises this. As for her husband, she will not take him back. She just needs to remember what it was like previous and she doesnt want to go back to that. She also relises that he could try although it's not like him to do that but she is prepared for this to happen. She does just want this all over and to find her feet. I spoke to her last night and I guess I got a few things off my chest and she has done the same. I feel alot better. I'm a little insecure on how independant she really is and although I know I can adjust to that, its going to take a little time. However with the space she is going to need, I may have to learn alot faster. Im prepared to do that for her because I love her so much. She does tell me every once in a while "perfect guy, with bad timing!" when I ask what she ment by that she said that if this wasnt happening or it has long been gone she could see herself with me. Although if we can get through this I suppose it will only make things stronger.PS Brilliant subject line dont you think "I'm a complete wreck here and don't know what to do for the best."My next actions could make or break this relationship and I will probably need a little help from here to help me see a straight line. I really, honestly would bet the rest of my life on this one.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (14 September 2007):
I think the both of you are in termoil. You should stop making long term plans in your head until 6 months following her divorce becoming final.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): She IS still married until the divorce decree becomes final. You really should have held off getting involved with her until then. What you're going through is what happens when you jump into such an emotional "storm."
You are in emotional turmoil because of your feelings toward her; SHE is going through a rough patch, as you say and doesn't know whether she's coming or going. She had to have the experience of being in a crumbling marriage, then coming home to find (suddenly) her husband gone, with all his belongings. That would be devastating and turn her world upside down, even if she was unhappy before.
You were in a previous relationship yourself and experienced the shock of finding your partner in bed with someone else. Naturally that would be extremely upsetting and make you question what had gone so terribly wrong to think that she would be so "careless" as to let you catch her in the act (maybe it wasn't altogether accidental, either).
Right now, the very best thing you could do would be to back off. She literally can not even think about a relationship with you at this time - and probably not with any other man, either.
Once she is finally free, and has her own apartment, its still going to take time for her to adjust to a new reality - living on her own, if they were together for a long time, for instance, and being responsible for all the bills, etc. Going from being a two-income (presumably) couple to relying on what she's managed to save to date, and now has to live on her salary alone. There may, also, be a mix of grief, anger, fear of what the future holds, as well as relationships with former in-laws, and possibly the loss of some friends he and she socialized with at one time.
When she does eventually work through all this, and decides to begin dating again, it may take some time of dating several before she finds a man she wants to be with for the long term. If indeed that is something she wants at all.
IF she dates you, there's a chance that you'll be a rebound guy. Nobody wants to be the "bridge" person: the first one you date after coming out of a marriage or very long relationship! But you know that, you dated a number of women casually after your relationship ended.
So, much as you are suffering over this, and hard as it is, I really do recommend that you recognize her need for space, and not be constantly calling, or wanting to see her. I don't mean cut off ALL contact, necessarily, but limit it. Maybe you and she can meet once a week for dinner and talk on the phone once during the week and see how it goes. What she most definitely does not need right now is to have to deal with your insecurities!
It would help to stop having sex with her, too. She is still married, and its still cheating. What if she and her husband decide to try to make a go of their marriage? You might think that unlikely, but it has been known to happen.
Hope this helps.
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