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I'm 19 and my parents are trying to control my life

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 December 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Ok, this is going to be really long, so please bear with me. I'm 19 years old and still live at home. My parents don't want me to move out, therefore I was pretty much forced into going to the local college so I could live at home while I go to school. My parents didn't even let me apply to any other schools.

My parents pay my tuition, but I have applied for scholarships which cover most of the cost. So they pretty much only pay for my schoolbooks, which I have offered to pay for but they won't let me. I have also said that I would pay room/board and take out a student loan so I could go to a different school. That is just not acceptable with them however, because that would mean I would have to move out.

I have held the same job for over three years and have some money saved in the bank. I could probably afford an apartment if I got someone to go in on it with me and split the cost. But, again, I'm not allowed to move out. If I mention that I want to move out then my parents yell at me and say that I act like where I live is just terrible and they bring up how they always provide everything for me and that I'm so ungrateful just because I want to move out.

I have always followed my parents rules and showed them respect. Education always came first when I was in high school, I was never into partying and never really did much with my friends. This didn't really bother me much before, but I've had depression for the last 6 months because I feel like I don't have any friends. My friends used to invite me to go do things but my parents would always come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go (you have to watch the dog, we're all going out to dinner tonight as a family, we're going to your grandparents house, we need the car tonight, etc.) so I would always have to tell my friends no. So of course my friends stopped inviting me to do things and I hardly even talk to anybody anymore.

The only person I really have in my life is my boyfriend. We have been in a long distance relationship for a year and I want to fly out and see him. But my parents are refusing to let me, even though I already paid for the plane ticket and called off work. It would be over my break and would not interfere with school. My mom acted like it was fine with her when I brought it up, but as soon as I discussed it with my dad then he said that if I go out there to visit him then I shouldn't bother coming back home because I act like I have it "so bad here". My father has always been a great provider for me and my brother and I'm grateful that I'm welcome to live at home while I'm in college.

But I do not think it is fair for them to try and control who I date, where I go, and what I do, especially when I have proven my responsibility to them time and time again and have the means to move out. It's not fair for them to guilt trip me and make me live here. I am not dependent on them, I could move out but my mom says that she doesn't want me to. (My brother still lives at home and he's in his twenties. But he's allowed to go out and do whatever he wants, never has to call/text our mother when he goes places, and he has been allowed to fly out to Arizona, California, and New York on his own to visit his friends.) I even brought this point up to them and they were like "That's cause he's a boy!"... Can they be any more chauvinistic?

I need to visit my boyfriend, we've agreed that if we don't see each other soon we are just going to end the relationship because there's no point in doing this if we're never going to be allowed to see each other. So, advice please? I want to be with my boyfriend, so I want to go out and see him. And I don't want my parents to think I'm "ungrateful" and hate where I live just because I want to see him. I've tried sitting down and talking with them but they just keep saying "We're not getting into this. We said no and you're not going out there. That's final." I want them to listen to me and take me seriously, I am not a child.

View related questions: lives at home, long distance, money

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A female reader, beautifulemogirl United States +, writes (9 September 2010):

I just turned 19 years old and my parents are still telling me what to do and i don't know what to do or tell them

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A female reader, babeegurl United States +, writes (30 August 2010):

wow gurl i know exactly how you feel... im 19 n still live with my parents as well. My mom says she does NOT want me moving out yet!! i have 2 older sisters (21 & 22) & im much more mature then them.... 1 dropped out of college like within 6 months of starting & the other dropped out right before graduating!! && im just starting at a community college so i can study my basics 1st

well anyways im a lot like you i was not the partying type in high school && when i did go out with friends it was only 3 or 4 of the same friends i hung out with a lot so my parents knew them && i was invited to parties but id rather hang out w/ my close friends but most the time we hung at my house so my parents knew i was not getting into trouble

its kinda to the point where i give up on askin them things when they are gonna say no && just do what i want but i dont wanna disrespect them

idk gurl im stuck too lol

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A female reader, babeegurl United States +, writes (30 August 2010):

wow gurl i know exactly how you feel... im 19 n still live with my parents as well. My mom says she does NOT want me moving out yet!! i have 2 older sisters (21 & 22) & im much more mature then them.... 1 dropped out of college like within 6 months of starting & the other dropped out right before graduating!! && im just starting at a community college so i can study my basics 1st

well anyways im a lot like you i was not the partying type in high school && when i did go out with friends it was only 3 or 4 of the same friends i hung out with a lot so my parents knew them && i was invited to parties but id rather hang out w/ my close friends but most the time we hung at my house so my parents knew i was not getting into trouble

its kinda to the point where i give up on askin them things when they are gonna say no && just do what i want but i dont wanna disrespect them

idk gurl im stuck too lol

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010):

To be honest I would tell my mam and dad that i dont want to live at home anymore i am an adult and i need my own place to be me, have my freinds around. I would tell them that i will vist often, come round for tea sometimes. I think that if my mam and dad were like that i would just back and leave show them that you need your independence

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010):

I am in the exact same situation, except in my case there's no boyfriend. I want to move into a dorm at the college I attend and my dad won't "let" me move out. I'm almost 19. All the advice given is good, but its so much easier said then done. You have to be able to adopt a "rebellious" attitude and assert you adulthood... and its hard. Sometimes I don't feel like I have it in me. But at the same, I know its something have to do. I can just sit here and let my life pass me by. I am not allowed to do anything. I can't keep letting him (my dad) control me.

You have to make them respect the fact that your an adult!

I wish you the best... know that your not alone! There are so many of us in the same situation... you just gotta do it!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009):

They also need to understand DOUBLE STANDARDS - why is it okay for your brother to do things and you not? And the excuse... just cos hes a boy... doesnt cut it....

Your parents need to grow up and realise that things have changed and you are a responsible person.... also your parents dont want to admit that you are all grown up - they still see you as their 'little girl'...

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A male reader, RAINORFIRE United States +, writes (22 December 2009):

RAINORFIRE agony auntwell heres the other side of the fence, i answered a post from an 18 yr old girl who ran off with a 34 yr old guy far from home shes working and supporting him while he does nothing and because of his medical conditon her frequently mistreats her verbally. I blame her parents,

Your parents on the other hand need to learn when its time to let go, your situation is not uncomon honestly i think there just looking out for you but you need to spread your wings a bit.

instead of asking them permission just tell them what your going to do your old enough to make your own decisions,

If you want to go to a party go, tell them your moving out if you want to move out. No need to feel guilty its time for them,to let you go.

you only get one chance to be young this is the time of your life where you find your self and live a little.

Go online and buy your plane tiket to go see your bf.

Its start for you to start acting like and adult and if you get your self in trouble your parents will still be their to bale you out. good luck

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A female reader, baybay United States +, writes (22 December 2009):

baybay agony auntim an nineteen year old girl and i have the same exact situation as you down to a teen

and this past year i have mastered how to break it

for one

in your situation

pack up enough of your shit buy your plane ticket

get off work

and go see your bf

its time to be a big kid

you letting them have that much control is ridiculous stand up for yourself

your ove4r eighteen so the poice dont have anything to do with it

the only thing they have on you is that they pay for stuff

if you have money GOGOGO

stay with you bf for a while

but for gods sake dont tell your parents till your about to get on the plane like seconds before

have a friend drop you off as you tell them your going to work or some excuse

dont let them play mind games or phyce you out

worst comes to worse they would kick you out

and guess what

you win

because thats what you want anyways

and if they kick you out then thats even longer you can stay with your boyfriend

if they kick you out stay with a friend an pay a lil rent until you find a roomie

if your parents even say they dont want you to move out trust me they mean it they will be fing furious you left but guess what

it will show them look im a big kid now and you cant control me because i have my own money

and you staying with other people just shows see i dont need your roof i have others

just make sure they never know exactly where your located at for they will show up

hence uber embarressing

but for respect for them call an leave messages everyday saying your ok so they never can throw it in your face they thought you were dead!

trust me i made that mistake its the worst

they need to know your safe

theres a number you can type in to make the phone call go stright to their voicemail so you dont even have to talk to them

do that before the plane and everyday when you cheak in

and just incase there super insane use a payphone furshure so they cant track at least the area your around

my mom triedputting that thing in my phone to track where i am

hence me breaking it

GROW UP

if your bf is worth it go for it

as long as they know they can keep you on their lease they will!

and you know it!!!!!!!!!!!

add me on myspace an tell me how it goes ill give you past experiences an more info to cover your tracks haha

[email address blocked]

:) goodluck

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