A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married and I have to say quite happly, my life is wonderful apart from the fact my husband constantly cheats in me.. Sometimes the affairs last weeks some months but never years, he never stays away from home and I know that 80% of his affairs are emotional... I feel sick when I think about it... Over the years I have lost weight because of the worry, when he us here we have an amazing time together, we laugh we talk we make love we enjoy being a family... Then he walks out the door and that all seems to be forgotten....He knows I know about his indescreations and we even split up over it.. He begged me to come home, I did and 6 months later it started again... I truely believe he will always cheat but always come home to me... The thing is I love this man so much... I want to spend my life with him... He is a wonderful dad and husband in every other way.. I know people will think I have no self esteem... But I do it's just I love him more than I love myself... I can't live without him... I just need to know how I can overcome these knots... Has anyone knowing lived with affairs and managed to ignore it in order to be happy... Cause that's what I want to ignore it... Cause he can stop, I just can't stop it affecting me
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affair, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Being the daughter of a man who had affairs thoughtout his marriage to my mom,i can put a different aspect on this.Your children will find out eventually.Growing up with this knowledge made me feel very insecure about having him around.I was almost waiting for him to leave and not come back.At times i wanted him to go because then this feeling would stop.He was a great Dad,and my mom loved him very much,thats why she put up with it.He left my mom after 21yrs together.It was almost a relief for me.My mom did go through hell though.However,i don't think i will ever get married,because what i've grown up with.I'm just saying think about your children and how you turning a blind eye may effect there relationships in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all again
i will take on board what you have all said
we go to relate next Saturday, maybe if that doesn't work out I will have to leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): If you were truly happy with the situation and were 'mercenary' (another post used this word) then I would say just get on with it. Put up and shut up. But I cannot almost believe you could put yourself in this situation year after year. For a start, what about your own sex life? Do you accept your husband, unprotected sex with him, during or after these affairs? How can you consistently share a man you love? Ultimately I think you really do need help to conclude the matter once and for all and to understand your ability to allow this to happen with so little definition of boundaries or what is right and wrong. It is obvious your husband does not consider love in the same way you do and if caring about you and loving you is in effect hurting you then it is not love at all. It is unhealthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): The important thing for you to realise and accept is you will never change him. I was also married to a wonderful man who was my best friend, so funny, loving, attentive; but a cheater. Everytime he came home, it was pure fun and laughter for me and our kids. He has an addictive personality, is a total comedian who has me laughing even to this day. You have to decide if what you get from him is worth his cheating. I admit its not easy to walk away from someone who is so wonderful in many ways but has no self-control. But then again staying is like playing Russian roulette. You never know if the next bimbo is the one who he is going to leave you for. You never know if some girlfriend out there is going to get pregnant or maybe give him a disease to bring home to you. His childhood may be to blame, but he is an adult now and needs to set an example to his own children to stop the cycle. Leaving such a man is never easy; it took me 3 years to leave mine, difficult with all the sweet talking and ofcourse "genuine" remorse including kneeling and begging even in public to demonstrate his remorse. But eventually I had to choose my dignity. And since I did, I have been happy and have since met the love of my life. He isn't as fun as my ex and even the sex is average in comparison, but he is stable, attentive, sincere, filthy rich and above all, faithful. He has given me the security I never got from the Joker. You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank everyone for there responses, I didnt realise the situation makes me sound like a complete drip.. cause I am not like that!!!,thing is my hubby is carismatic person u
could ever meet, I have always heard about people lighting up the room when they walk in and he is like that, even all my female friends say they see why I am so drawn to him (although they think he is a total loser and I should leave him!)
I dont think I am being unfair to my children cause at the moment they are not aware of the situation, if they ever do maybe that will be different and I would have to leave?
and as I stated before when my husband is home we have the perfect homelife, and life is so much fun for all of us? when he is with us he is 100% comitted to us and all our happiness, he leaves his phone in the car, never switches the pc on...never talks to anyone on the phone...he is just ours?
as the the last post of the man saying do I give my hubby foreplay? and the answer to that is a very big yes!!!!!I always make an effort to make the sex and foreplay lots of fun, I spend alot of time giving him head, I watch porn with him and do the whole dressing role play thing?????I personally love sex and all the trimmings that go with it!!but maybe thats it??? maybe there is no chase with me anymore, when I give him sex on a plate?
by the way I am not some fat frumpy wife...I am a size 12 and easy on the eye, with a career in finance so I dont think its cause I have let myself go or I am a complete bore? if anything he has changed by putting 2 stone on since I met him and losing lots of hair, and most of the women he goes with are older than me 50+ or are overweight?
maybe he needs to go to counselling, he had a very bad childhood?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): I was married for 19 years to a man who constantly cheated. One woman a year or so for 15 years. I could always tell when a new one came along as he became ultra secretive, would find additional fault with me, take the phone to the loo, under the pillow, shower etc and take extra care with his appearance. I learnt to live with this because I am ultra mercenary. He was a very high earner and it enabled me to have a fantastic home, kids at public school, countless holidays, sports cars etc. I turned a blind eye because I wanted these trappings and knew I would be unable to get them alone. We came to the standard wife / mistress arrangement, he lived in flat in London in the week and came back to us all in Wiltshire at the weekends and for holidays. In this way his constant affairs were not rubbed in my face and I lost no face with the neighbours, school etc. In his line of work it was a normal occurrence. I admit I sold my soul for money and things but needed to retain my respectability and status in the neighbourhood. After the first two affairs which broke my heart I ceased to care as long as I never met them and it was not flaunted. We eventually divorced as i saw him and his latest squeeze in the press and it was too much loss of face as so many people saw it. I actually got a good settlement and remain in the family home. I don't miss him at all and am about to re-marry. I think you can ignore or turn a blind eye if you are adequately compensated in other areas or if like me you have a lot to lose. He would have divorced me years ago but knew he would lose too much financially. There was little love between us but we functioned as a unit for respectability's sake.
I am not sure if you will find this post helpful or just very old fashioned. I learnt to numb my emotions totally by being very active at work, home and in the community as dwelling on these affairs just brings you down. As others have said as a stop gap Prozac / Valium etc can have a numbing effect to get you over the initial shock but are no good long term. I was never unfaithful back although did have a few offers but it wasn't my way. I truly believe that most men are not monogamous and if the opportunity arose would take it. Prior to marriage I slept with 12 men and only one of them remained faithful to me while we were in a relationship. My ex husband is not faithful even now so leopards don't change their spots. My advice would be if it is hurting you and upsetting you and there is nothing to trade get out now otherwise accept that this is the way he is although it is not right and get on with other areas of your life.
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reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 What you say is your own feeling for him. You say nothing about your sex life, whether it is creative? or just, 'put it into it and finished' If it is so, even then relationship can be great as you say,'I truly believe he will always cheat but always come home to me... The thing is I love this man so much... I want to spend my life'
Men love her wife and wife his men, simply not to break family. But, creative sex is the need of intellectual mind. Sexual foreplay is the proper form. It is romance of life. You start to see such foreplay as your own need, and begin to share with husband, without worrying about his other relations. Such adopted and later actualized attitude will put you in to leading role.
Please keep in mind, that foreplay make intimacy more alive than usual saying 'love you'. Human sense of touch has greater magic, which is more trust able than any any person.
If your husband take interest for other relation, then sure he need such 'foreplay', and he and you both will be happy and trusting by just increasing foreplay in your private life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): I think that you need to solely go and seek counselling! he has almost become an addiction to you, and you say you have self estemm but you cant have when someone that you love, lets you doen that badly,his behaviour would have affected your mental health, seriously if you saw someone professionally it might make you wake up to the situation your in, and believe me its not a good one, but cause your right in the middle of it, so you cant see the woods for the trees, and thats not your fault thats his, poor you
wouldnt it be lovely to be with someone who was faithful, someone who didnt make you constanly feel sick, someone who wouldnt make you have constant knots and someone who you could trust and not have to check up on all the time (I trust thats whatyou do)
Please dont waste your life on ths creep...cause thats what he is......
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 It doesn't seem that you are as happy as you say you are. If you need positive reenforcement, here it is: Kick this guy to the curb. You are too good for him. Marriage is between two people. He seems not to be able to understand this. Do seek a lawyer, and get a divorce, so you can start live a healthy life. You have lots of life to live.......So go out and live it!
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 January 2010):
Wives back in the day have lived with this for years.
Back when your wife was someone you married to provide you with a son and heir and good social connections.
If you want to be like that and stay with him then basically you just have to be dead inside and develop a massive sense of denial.
I suggest you try drinking, or get prescribed something from your doctor to kill off all your emotions and personality. Vallium was the choice for the 50's housewife, but I'm pretty sure the NHS is not too keen on doping people up so much any more.
The other thing you could do is leave like you did before, stop being a martyr and find a man who can honour his wedding vows. There are millions of them out there. Love is a strong thing, but how much of that "love" is fear of being alone and being so used to him being around?
Think very carefully about why you are so desperate to sacrifice your health and mental well being... and remember that women who have nervous breakdowns generally find social services knocking on their doors. Do you really want your children to suffer too?
Good Luck!! xx
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