A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:so.. my boyfriend and i have been together for two years, we have a son and everything is great besides the fact that he isn't attracted to me sexually. he didn't tell me this i found it on his computer. so now that i found that i find myself looking for other things and i went through his phone and theres just all kinds of pictures of breasts saved in his pictures. as far as the computer goes he watches porn and is looking up things on youtube daily that make me feel very uncomfortable and insecure. i feel like if he has to look at that stuff then obviously i'm not enough so why is he even with me? i have suggested watching the porn together while we make love and trying things out that they're doing but he doesn't want to do that. i don't understand why he would rather look at or watch something and pleasure himself when i'm a few rooms over more than willing to have sex. some days i just feel like leaving him. i don't know if i'm over reacting or what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): Oh dear. Women misunderstand men and masturbation. It is one thing if always prefer porn over you and carrying pictures, yes. If there are consequences from porn it is not good. But most men use porn to help them get excited, not because they are thinking about the women in the porn. She is a nameless faceless woman and not someone they are hoping to hook up with.
However, watching porn or women with big breasts has NOTHING TO DO with how he feels about you. Practically all men masturbate. Men who have very happy solid marriages masturbate. Really, they do. Women do also. Some men are better at covering their tracks but if you feel that no man who has a girlfriend/wife should ever masturbate, good luck. You won't find one. They have testosterone and this is biological. It is not emotionally based and completely cut off from feelings. Women have oxytoxicin and that is the hormone that causes us to become attached to other humans and so take care of babies. Men are wired to procreate and women are wired to nurture.
If your boyfriend loves you and demonstrates this through being a faithful loving boyfriend the masturbation thing is really his "private time." Carrying pictures of girls with big boobs is reason to be upset though. That is crossing the line. Masturbating because of the urge to orgasm privately as long as it does not hurt a relationship is not harmful. Does he still have sex with you regularly? If he does, then I would stop worrying about this.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 I would leave him. He is being disrespectful and showing you that he clearly has no sexual interest in you anymore. It's only a matter of time before he cheats on you. Leave now.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (20 March 2010):
"The point is, talking about it made it better"
Best advice on the board this week... it always does!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): I'm 24 and have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I love her more than anything on this earth, and I'm incredibly attracted to her. yet I still look at porn. it has nothing to do with how I see my girlfriend, how much I love her, or how much she turns me on when she is walking up the stairs in front of me.
I want to say that guys just like to watch porn, but not to be sexist in any way, I'll just say that different people have different levels of sexual appetite. By watching porn he is indulging in fantasies, tantalizing his imagination. It need not be a relationship ending vice.
On the other hand, carrying pics around on his phone is a bit strange. So is watching porn when you're in the next room. If he likes porn, and has a high sex-drive as I alluded to before, why wouldn't he want to watch porn with you, or explore other kinks with you? In this case, I completely understand why you might be upset. Perhaps the fact that you have a son together makes him feel guilty about his possible waning feelings or attraction to you. But there is nothing you can do about that, and in such a case, you will probably have to prepare for the worst. Anyways, it might be cliché to say, but you should probably talk to him about your feelings, open communication is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. preferably when he's relaxed and not defensive, like basking in the after-glow of sex. Whatever the consequences, you have a right to get this off your chest.
My girlfriend caught me looking at porn once. After sex that night, she brought it up and admitted that it made her a bit upset. We talked at length and I explained my high sex-drive (something our mutually busy schedules don't accommodate well) and imagination and appreciation for good porn, and it was okay. We've since watched a bit of porn together, and it is a turn on. Just a bit "planned", as in not spontaneous. We don't usually take the time to set it up. The point is, talking about it made it better.
Best of luck.
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