A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why am I jealous of my ex husbands new girlfriend?I don't want my ex husband back, in fact, I am glad to no longer be married to him and tolerate his verbally and emotionally abusive behavior and general lazy unpleasantness. I know I'm bitter over how things ended when I tried so hard to make it work for several years. We have a child together, who he barely sees and had always complained about having to send child support to and spend any money on. Now that he has a girlfriend, he is lavishing our child with toys and trips, etc and the drops him off to me to raise-I hate it!I have seen pictures of the two of them together on facebook going to the beach, and other fun events while I am here raising our son with no help. I have no family in the area and he is with his Dad two nights a month. So unless I get a sitter, I am home every night.If I don't want him anymore, why am I jealous of this new relationship? Is it even jealousy?
View related questions:
emotionally abusive, facebook, has a girlfriend, jealous, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): You are jealous; because you still recall the good-times you both had together. They seem less personal, when someone else knows the pleasure. The mind plays tricks like that.
Although you have detached emotionally to some degree; knowing someone you once-loved has moved on, makes you feel rejected. It seems somehow he's implying you were unworthy.
Although logically; you know that is totally untrue.
This is how you felt when you had to end it. It doesn't matter who initiated the divorce. The mind still recalls the good-times. Being replaced makes you feel somehow you weren't good enough. Your ego is hurt. You thought you were happy, and built your dreams based on it lasting forever. Now you see those dreams destroyed, and he is willing to offer what you wanted to somebody else. Oh, I know how that feels. It seems too soon, and it hurts he found someone first. You wanted to do it first. Let him feel the sting.
Seeing him behaving so well, and seeming so happy with someone else, doesn't sit well in your subconscious mind.
You don't want him back. Nor to see him prosper. You haven't fully purged your feelings. There is still a little piece of him in your heart. There always will be.
You are having a normal human-reaction to knowing the end is here. He is gone for good. It appears she brings out the best in him. Now you're wondering why couldn't you? It is mostly a facade. He is trying to change his reputation and look new and improved. He is also rubbing your nose in it.
There is the reality and good possibility that she does bring out the best in him. You have to learn to separate yourself from his personal-life. See him only as the father of your child; he is no longer your spouse. Therefore; your jealousy is irrelevant. It is wasted useless emotion.
You're not a robot, void of feelings. The love fades, but it may never go away 100%. You hate the abusive things he eventually did to you. You fell in-love with the man who was good to you. The past subsides, but will not completely delete the memories from storage in the back of your mind. Your child is his gift. Something good did spring from all this.
Your child is also a reminder. Which means you still have to rid yourself of the toxins that create any animosity you have toward his/her father, that may be visible to your kid. You wish the child could just hate him. That would be showing a nasty side of you. A side your kid should not know. They do understand how you would be hurt. They share that with you. They would prefer you were together. It's hard to see you apart.
Eventually you become totally immune to his life. All he'll mean is a check for your child. You only want to get along, to allow your child to grow up in a civil and healthy environment. You will totally get over his fake new and improved image.
Just remember one thing, your child benefits as long as he keeps up this facade. His true-nature may resurface; but let's hope in the child's best interest, the new and improved version is real.
Your child still has a right to love him; and deserves a good reason for doing so. He has a right to redeem himself in order to be a better father. Which he can still be; even if he was a lousy husband. It didn't workout for you. If being with someone else makes him a better man, and a better father; I'd say that's a win-win situation.
Give yourself time. You'll see what I mean.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 March 2014):
 I think you are jealous because he has moved on. You are still working on raising your son and keeping your life as "normal" for you child as possible.
Do you have a custody agreement in place? A Child Support agreement? If so, then he really needs to stop complaining about the CS, it's not YOU who set the amount. If he starts whining change the subject.
As for feeling "stuck" with raising your son, well that may be so, but that is the LOT of a custodial parent. It's the reality of divorce/split ups when there are kids involved. Usually ONE parent end up with a greater responsibility when it comes to raising the child.
I kind of agree with Janniepeg. Take some time and focus on YOU and your son. Dating will come in time.
Your ex have found someone new and for NOW it seems to work, that may or may not last. Either way, not really something to be upset about. You no longer having an abusive man in your life is a GOOD thing, for YOU and YOUR son.
When you are doing better at being a single mom, I would talk to the ex about having your son more often. (if you think that is good for your son) so you can stat having a little bit of "life" too.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): I think you are jealous because you see the attention he is giving his new girlfriend, its not that you still love him but more like you ask yourself, why couldn't he be like that with me and his kid- all involved ad attentive. He is who he is and you need to stop focusing on his new relationship.
Regarding the fact that he only has his child for 2 nights a month. I would be getting him to take more responsibility here. Start making plans and get yourself a life and tell your kid's Dad that you have to be somewhere this Saturday night and that he is babysitting.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 March 2014):
 You feel like his new girlfriend is getting the good deal while you are left with a baggage to carry. What he's showing her is not his real self. He is trying to impress her with his fathering ability, and putting on a front to cover up the fact that he barely sees his son, which should be a red flag to any woman.
I understand the frustration about not being able to date unless you have a sitter, and most of time you pay and then you risk having bad dates that go nowhere. Don't be in a hurry to find a new relationship. I went through a period of just concentrating on my son and convincing myself I became asexual. I wasn't chasing love but if love falls on my lap I would gladly take it. Miracle or not, I am involved in a relationship and it feels just right. And this is after I am no longer angry at men. Take your time and prepare to fall in love again. You will know when you are ready to date again.
...............................
|
