A
female
age
30-35,
*ayla20
writes:I am not sure whether to be offended or not I've been with my boyfriend for roughly 2 years and the only time ive known him to put porn on is when he is trying to wind me up by putting it on the computer so i can see it, but i have recently noticed that he has been on pornsites on his phone when i asked him about it he admitted that he watches it when he is bored like when there is nothing on tv to watch and also to learn different things and says that he doesnt masturbate to it.What i find hard to understand is that when i was upstairs trying to sleep i heard him turn it on downstairs i decided to come and see if he was masturbating by sneeking down the stairs but i guessed he heard me coming because he turnt it off and had something else up on the computer by the time i got here.I told him the next day that i knew he was watching porn he didnt deny it i asked if he masturbated to it he said no again so i asked why he turnt it off and he said because i probably wouldnt have been happy if i came downstairs and saw him watching it.I asked him what sort of stuff his in to because when it comes to us in the bed we usually just do a few positions and havent tried much he said his not really into anything and he guesses his done everything he wanted to try but i feel like if he needs to watch porn while im sleeping then maybe i am doing something wrong but he says he is sexually forfilled.is there anything i should try?should i be offended?
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female
reader, Annie Bedlam  +, writes (2 December 2010):
Like the anonymous guy said, you should definitely read "Sexual Power for Women." It's available free at http://francescaspizza.com. The author's advice has worked great for me, and it's a lot of fun.
A
female
reader, Tammy1205 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Hi,
Your boyfriend watching porn is obviously bothering you, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about it so much. I'd advise you to tell him you don't approve of him watching porn. If he loves you, he will make an effort to stop.
As many of the other answers state, porn can be an addictive substance. If he truly wants to stop and cannot stop himself, he will seek help.
Porn is cheating. Getting sexual pleasure out of looking at other women is cheating. I think he needs to stop if he wants to continue dating you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): You should not be offended by your boyfriend’s actions or think that you are doing anything wrong. In days gone by watching porn and masturbating would have been regarded as a sin by many and maybe that approach was and still is justified to some extent. However, rightly or wrongly both are pretty common these days and not just among men. Plenty of women have their sex toys and although they may not watch as much porn, I suspect that their fantasies are not all confined to their partners.
Ideally, your boyfriend should be using his imagination and energy to bring enjoyment to you both in bed rather than selfishly to himself by the computer. Watching a little porn is no great harm but if he is doing it constantly and accessing porn on his ‘phone he may be getting a little addicted to it. He could also be spending a lot of money downloading this material. So what should you do?
Firstly, it is important to realize that the fault lies with him rather than anything you are doing or not doing so don’t blame yourself in any way. Talk to him away from the bedroom and find out what he likes to do. It is possible that he leaves the evidence where you can find it because he would like you to know but is too embarrassed to tell you. You should be able to find things that you both enjoy and that would spice up the bedroom scene. However, never do anything that you are not comfortable with or that you think is not right for you.
If his actions are really annoying you and he is not prepared to change, you could try relationship counselling. I am not sure if I would agree that watching pornography and masturbating is addictive like alcoholism or drug addiction as suggested by a previous correspondent but I would certainly think that the 12 Step Programmes that are used to treat those addictions may be successfully applied to all aspects of living. The 12 Step programme was developed by AA for treating alcoholism but it is now used by hundreds of other groups as it deals with the problems of living. There are probably some 12 Step groups in your area that are not related to alcoholism or drug addiction and they would be worth trying.
A previous correspondent writes “There's an old saying that a leopard can't change his spots. That people are hardwired into being who they are... whether it is their childhood, first introduction to their sexuality, etc... fundamentally this old saying is true unless and until the neural pathways are reassigned”. I do not know if the above statement is true or not but there are many women out there today who are attempting to reassign their men’s neural pathways. I would not recommend that you should follow this path as it could lead to disaster for both of you, but on the other hand it could bring you great happiness. Read “Sexual Power For Women” by Georgeann Cross and much other such material on the net, but be warned that you could be playing with fire.
My suggestion is that you should keep talking to him until you find a way to resolve the problem. You may need outside help if he is not prepared to consider your feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): There's an old saying that a leopard can't change his spots. That people are hardwired into being who they are... whether it is their childhood, first introduction to their sexuality, etc... fundamentally this old saying is true unless and until the neural pathways are reassigned. Porn as a reflection of sexuality is like the old worn deer path. The new deer just keep taking it to wherever it leads, even if it leads them into a highway. It is worn into their nature and group memory so it is the path they take.
It is possible for a man's sexual wiring to change but it necessitates 'going against the grain'... a withholding from themselves a 'drug' induced state that fires chemicals into the brain that give them an incomparable rush. This rush is what is more addictive than the material they are viewing. However, in all the rushes and all the viewing a very strange thing happens inside of them. They, like drug abusers, don't respond with the same heightened sensations chemically in their bodies ... to real sex anymore.
So there you have it. Real sex has its place in their world and the porn sex has its place in their world. It is clear from this... that porn sex deadens the senses in a way with an ever escalating need for more and more to sustain the high. Men allow themselves to go down this path and wind up sexually dysfunctional... in capable of true satisfaction with a real live woman.
Once it changes the brain the leopard has his spots.
It certainly doesn't help that other men cheer them on justifying it. And all we have are a bunch of dissatisfied unhappy couples out there wondering where they went wrong. Beating themselves up.
He'd have to do some serious soul searching and realize that this habit has resulted in him taking preference over the visual/chemical stimulation of porn over nudging you in bed... Therein lies this problem. You leave bed to find him with his virtual lover late at night. And, like any cheater, he denies his lover (porn and his computer) mean anything to him... no differently than a guy getting caught with a real live lover. Deflecting, excuses... all the while knowing that there is a strong urge to keep using it and not understanding why.
Porn creates 'examples' of how sex flows... however that is not how it happens in real life. In porn it is about the genitals. In real life it is about feelings and sensations that are real. Two diametrically opposing ideas.
Can your leopard change his spots? Probably not without therapy. Otherwise you may be dealing with him going underground with it... once sexuality goes underground (especially with an addiction) it may very well grow and morph into more things.
I believe that this porn stuff has been the reason why divorce has escalated to the level it has. Porn and cheating are the number one reason for divorce. And, the majority of divorce proceedings are commenced by women.. who apparently 'don't understand the male libido'.
Men need to respond to this with a call for change amongst themselves. Become better men, better boyfriends and better fathers and husbands. A hero has never been the guy jerking off by himself. Years ago he would have been seen as a major weirdo...
You are in a position to make choices concerning the kind of life you want to lead ... not just for now but for your future. Is this an argument you want to be having with him 10 years from now? Think about it.
If you think he will stop, you are probably lying to yourself. This leopard needs therapy to stop... and just like an alcoholic may need his butt kicked in order to realize that his drug of choice is just as bad as all the others. Some alcoholics can use and use and use booze to astonishing levels ... and it is only after intervention and/or they lose everything that they may seek treatment. Sadly, even then, on a tiny miniscule portion of them actually make it. Why? Because their brains have been changed by the booze and now the only way they can 'feel' is when they have their drug of choice.
I see porn (as to neurologists, psychologists and psychiatrists) as a chemically addictive substance.
Read up on it. Now decide whether you are up to the task of dealing with a life along with an addict. If you are, get the addict help. If the addict doesn't want help, leave him.
The leopard will not become a lion unless he wants to.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 How do you truly feel about it? You cannot ask anyone else how you SHOULD feel because, how you feel about somethings is simply, how you feel about it. There is no right or wrong way to feel about anything.
Obviously you are uncomfortable with what he is doing. Have you told him that? Many women, girlfriends or wives, are distraught by their boyfriends or husbands watching such explicit material and it leads them to believe that they are not making their lovers happy. This is not always true. More often than not, a man can be as sexually satisfied as humanly possible and still view pornography for unexplained reasons. That does not mean you are not good enough. I am sure you are being the best girlfriend you can be and I am also sure that he sees that and he loves that about you, pornography does not mean you are not good enough, it is simply something he is doing.
Now you have to tell him that it is making you slightly uncomfortable. If he loves you, he will make an effort to stop if not completely rid himself of it all together. If he is addicted, he will try and most likely fail a lot before finally succeeding. If he does not care about you, he will have no reaction to your discomfort. He may try to hide it but he will not stop.
Personally I abhor pornography, it is unnatural and serves no true purpose other than to fulfill one's strange need to appease voyeuristic tendencies. That is not to say that I have never come across it, I have once and I hate it. But, the point of this all is to inform you and assure you that it has nothing to do with you so you need not worry about how good you are as a girlfriend, you need to discover whether or not he is a caring boyfriend. So tell him how you feel about this and see what happens.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Kristoffson +, writes (31 October 2010):
no, you really shouldn't be offended. It is not a reflection on your relationship at all!
We few porn because we like it, yes it is true, but as much as it may turn us on or entertain us we feel at the same time that it is not real. Where a girl may watch a romantic film and know it is not real, a guy likes to watch sex films but knows it isn't real.
It is hard to explain, but it isn't something to feel bad about. More often than not a guy will come away after watching the porn feeling worse, feeling insecure and inadequate about it. Some things are fantasies, which is fine too, I am sure you have your fantaises too.
If you want to try spicing up your sex life then give it a go. You will probable find that he may like the thought of doing things he see in porn, but when it comes to doing them he might not have any interest. Also he may get off on the thought of the sheer sexual side of it because he knows these women are cheap, and that he would never want to be with a woman like that. He certainly wouldn't want the girl he loves to be like that.
It is all hard to explain like I have said, but it is not a bad thing, it does not mean he would rather be with someone like he sees in the porn, or that he loves you or is attracted you you any less. It is just porn at the end of the day, it is not real life. Try watching it with him, comment on what you seen (not always negitively), it could open your relationship up more, bring you closer and understand eachother more.
Look for the positives that could come from it, not always the negitives.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 A suggestion, watch with him and when you notice a trend in what really turns him on perform it with him.
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