A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 8 years (since I was 18) and we've lived together for 5 years. I feel like we have drifted apart emotionally and sexually, and although we still care for each other, I dont think we love each other anymore. It just feels like friends with benefits.Over the last few months I have felt attracted towards one of his friends and often fantasise about him, lust I think and I am fairly sure my feelings are not reciprocated. I dont want to hurt my boyfriend, although I am sure any discussion about this, would. I know that if we broke up my social life would disintegrate, I would be homeless, and financially insecure. I know these arent the right reasons to stay together. Ive never had this feeling before, and I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (24 June 2007):
 Hi thereAre you sure, you don't love him anymore? Could it not be just a phase of low intensity?What do you mean by being in love with someone? I read some books about this and had lots of chats with my grandma which was happily married for over 60 years. And I would like to try to explain you what I learnt about different aspects of love:- Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really control it yourself. It is like being on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. It's a chemical reaction or emotional response. This is fun and can create amazing feelings! You can compare it with being drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems. So when you fall in love you are infatuated in that person. Your can forget all around you and your feelings and cogitations are with this person. You are just happy and don't see any problems.- Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. The disappear and they will not come back in the same form.You can compare love with driving in a sport car. You have a new car (thats when you are falling in love with a man) and you drive on a road very fast. On the back of your car there is a very nice cloud of dust (your feelings) dispersed from the road. You are having lots of fun and very much enjoy this cloud of dust. But then there suddenly you see a cloud on the sky and it starts to rain. The cloud of dust disappears. Now you can make your decision: You can stopp your car and buy a new one (leave your partner and go with someone else) or you can drive on (stay with your partner) and hope that the rain will stop and the road will dry and the cloud of dust will dispersed from the road again. But if you change the car, you can be sure that also in the new car one day it will rain. If you decide to love the other person, you put this person on the first place in your life. If you truly love someone then you accept and respect this person for who he or she is. You love the person itselfe and not the great dream of it. And you don't want to change the person, but accept every bit of it. You don't have to agree with everything, but you can life with it. Sometimes you have misunderstandings and arguments, but even then you love the other person wholly. You can talk about everything and share your innermost thoughts and worries and there is a mutual understanding (or at least you try to understand the reverse side and accept it). Everyone can really trust the other one. Noone needs to wear a mask. Both parts can be their selfes and don't need to dissimulate. Today to love an other person means that oneself wants to rejoice. You expect him or her to be accountable for you for everything. The other person has to do everything to make you happy and fill every hole and gap in you. But nobody is able to do this and nobody is perfect and we can not expect them to be! But if we do and if this is our definition of love, no wonder, there are so many divorces. 2000 years ago they already knew that this concept of love doesn't work, why should it today??? In the Christian scriptures, love is a very high thing. To get a good definition of love, I would recommend to read 1 Corinthians 13.To me your problem seems to be that you are in an emotional low intensity at the moment. 8 years are a very long time to be together. But as you wrote you still care for each other. You want to see him happy and don't want to hurt him. You want the best for him. My question to you is: could that not be a sign of love? Could it not be love but without the feelings?Just think about that for yourself and make your own decision. It is up to you, what you do. I just suggest to you, don't run into something and don't do everything you are not sure if you would regret it after some time.Good luck!
A
female
reader, Samira +, writes (24 June 2007):
It sounds like your stuck in a very awkward situation! But if you care for this guy I do think he does have the right to know. You have been together for 8 years, which is quite some time, and it sounds like even though as you say you have drifted apart, you still care quite deeply for each other. So to keep living with one another as a couple could in the end, finish with bad feelings. It could lead to you cheating, because you have already started fantasising about his friend, which is definitely a no go, if you have any chance of ending this relationship on good terms. It could also lead to resentment which will lead to angry feelings which will also lead to a nasty break-up.I know your; living situation is very important! But are there any friends that you could stay with! What about any family members that could put you up for a little while, while you find your feet?I really think you should explore every option. Because staying with this guy because you have nowhere to stay or you might lose your friends will only end in disaster. And for all you know he might just be feeling the same, you did say in your message that you felt that you had BOTH drifted away, so maybe you making the first move might just entice him to open up too.
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