A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiI am 18 and was a virgin until I was raped a few months ago by a man that attacked me on the street.I do not count him as a sexual partner obviously, but it has kind of changed my attitude towards sex and my virginity. I am not desperate to lose it or anything and have held out for "the right time" far longer than any of my friends. My attitude prior to the attack was:lose it as soon as you can to someone that it feels right with, that you care about, regardless of how long it takes to find that person (if that makes sense). Because of this attitude I have always been pretty closed off to sex and am probably what some guys owuld call "frigid"... because I find it quite hard to connect with guys, they just dont fancy me that often, I always find myself in "good friend" territory. I am now however thinking maybe I could/ should be more open about sex as I do not want the rape to be my only sexual experience... in which case I may just stop holding back and let it happen, for instance in situations where I have consciously stopped it from happening before, even though I physically wanted to have sex.What do you think? Ive never been that into the whole petals on the bed, candles, "true love" kind of thing anyway, I am more of a realist. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): I am sorry to hear that. I am not strong enough personally to get with someone who has been through that so when a person comes along who a) understands what you have been through, b) is someone you deeply trust and c) will treat your first time together as your real first; it will be very special relationship.
Whether to go casual is a big question. I don't believe in casual but I think you need sex sooner than later to prevent the rape experience affecting your life. I am sure you can't ever become over it and forget it but with the right person it doesn't need to be something thats in the front of your mind.
Best option would be to find someone like as for a relationship - good men exist out there but the rape experience might scare them off and keeping quiet about it could cause problems later on.
If 5, 10 years down the road you tell him, he would understand... but if in the bedroom you have problems together and keep it quiet I am sure he would be very angry and upset over you keeping it from him.
Some great advice here from other posters I think you should really consider
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. Like you, I was raped (at 16 & was also a virgin) but it was by someone I knew. Anyway, NO, please don't go down that road of sleeping with people so it's not your only experience! As a teenager (I'm 30 now) I thought the same way as you, and was around a rough group of people. I ended up sleeping with a few guys because it was "easier". I felt that when they started flirting & things went to the next level (kissing, etc) I always just gave in & slept with them for fear they would just take it anyway. Boy, did that depress me! Thank God, I was able to deal with this issue, and got my act together :) But from someone who has been there & thought the same things you have, it did not help, only made things worse. I felt horrible about myself, felt like people thought I was a slut or easy, never cared for anyone I was with, etc. Try counseling or just give this thing some time.
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A
male
reader, RyanS +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Hello dear, you are strong, no doubt.
"Ive never been that into the whole petals on the bed, candles, true love kind of thing anyway, I am more of a realist." --- you know when you meet the right guy, you will think of some of these very things, and that's a signal that the guy is right...remember this.
no need to rush anything; you have a long life ahead of you; just make friends with guys you like, and one of them will develop into deeper relations. don't look for sex, it will come automatically; just look for the guys you like to be with.
Wish you lots of happiness.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 No no no no... What you need to do is get help and therapy to get over the attack and what happened to you. What you don't need to do is start sleeping around. What difference will that make? A rape and then a bunch of shitty sex with people you might not even like? Oh no.. not good at all.
This encounter is not going to be the only experience with sex you will ever have. The rape is rape which most wouldn't even define as sex, because it wasn't consentual. That would in a sense be like saying a slave has a profession.
Yes you can define yourselv as being fridig in the past, but you are only regretting not giving up your virginity earlier. That regret does not mean you should sleep around now like nothing else matters.
I say seek help first. Then afterwards make a decision on what you choose to do. But so you know, many rape victims or their friends or husbands, boyfriends, come on dearcupid and asks for help. In most cases, the rape victim has had sex with a large number of people, both strangers and people they know barely. I do not wish to see you walk down that same path. Understand that this thinking is a classic way for rape victims to deal with what has happened to them, and I dare say also self-destructive.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 May 2010):
I'm sorry about your ordeal, and I'm glad that you're making an effort to move on from it. I think you can be very proud.
I suspect that this sudden change in you is a reaction to being raped. Though you appear to be recovering well, I think you need to be careful that you don't end up sleeping around just to forget about the rape. You'll only feel even worse about it and you'll regret it. There is no harm in being more open at all, but do think about why you're doing it. There is no rush, and it really is much better with a person you care about and who cares about you. Take it slow.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Darling,you are only 18. Plenty of time to do it right- perhaps without petals and candles, but with the affection , tenderness and sensuality you need and deserve.
I get what you mean. Something really wrong happened and you want to make it right.But it won't be right if it's just...just some guy. Or any guy. It will be humdrum and bland and sad.
There's no rush. Wait for when...you 'll know you just can't wait anymore even if you'd want.
It will happen for you too.
Big hugs
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): I'm terribly sorry to hear about the rape, but thankfully you seem to be recovering OK emotionally.
I agree that those who buy into the whole 'true love' thing are kidding themselves somewhat. One should never be too idealistic about love or sex. That said, there's no point in just giving it away without a second thought to the next guy you like. I would agree that you should be more open to sex. Make sure you really like the guy/guys you do it with though. And use protection!
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