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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello to all on the site.I am so hurt and confused. I took ill around 10 days ago and had to be hospitalised. I am now back home and doing ok but am a bit shell shocked to discover that while I was on the ward, my boyfriend (who lives in France), has left me a whole string of abusive emails. I live in England and we maybe see each for one week or two weeks every few months, we were planning to go on a long holiday soon but he was offered a new job so we weren't able to. We normally chat at least once or twice a day and if one of us doesn't email the other, then we get concerned. On the day I took ill, he had emailed me a few times asking if everything was ok. The following day too.... and then there is nothing until a few days later, another concerned message. What is so awful is that after a week, he starts sending nasty emails, accusing me of having someone else and being two-faced. When I was able to have visitors, I asked a friend to get in touch with him from her email address to tell him what had happened as he doesn't have a landline at home and I had lost his mobile number when my phone was unlocked. She said she emailed him with what I had asked her to say, that I was in hospital but not to worry and I would hopefully be discharged soon.He never tried to ring or text my mobile once, but I was told off by the nurse for having it on at one point, so I gave it to my Mum. She says he never called it or texted. He knows several friends on FB and he never tried to ask them either. He ignored my friend's message asking for his number so she or I could call him and sent an abusive email to me instead, telling me I am sick in the head and I am a lying, cheating bitch.In the past when I have been ill, he sometimes didn't believe me. What is really sad as well is that this time last year I lost his baby, and I was only just starting to feel as if I was getting over it, and this is bringing all the emotional pain back.I don't even feel as if I should contact him now. I feel shocked and kind of numb. If someone had told me he was ill and in hospital, I would have been on the first flight over there. I don't know what to do....
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 April 2014):
 As you TRIED to (yet again) give him the benefit of the doubt (which I don't blame you for, wanting to give him a chance is not something to "beat yourself" up about.)
So what's your plan now? To give him a few days to come up with something or to ignore him and try and move on? Maybe you DO have something you need to get off your chest, maybe you don't because it might be pointless.
Whatever you do, do it for you, not because you feel you OWE him anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI decided not to take "the high road" and blank him out and be a mature adult about it all. He's emailed a couple of times again, the last one yesterday when he got home late from a shift, begging me to forgive him and apologising profusely for getting angry at me and being an idiot, as he thought I had just decided I never wanted to speak to him again. And please can we talk about it tomorrow?You'd never think this guy was in his forties would you? Mind you, that has been HIS tactic for punishing me in the past.Despite originally planning to ignore him, and really feeling angry and agreeing with everything Honeypie has said, I hate feeling "at loggerheads" with anyone, so I replied to him yesterday evening with a brief message and said ok, let's talk tomorrow, speak to be before you go to work/when you get back. Guess what - nothing. It's now almost midnight here. Lol. Do I need to be banged over the head with a heavy object to make me see he's playing a nasty game with me? He begs me for forgiveness, asks to talk, when I say ok let's talk, he disappears????
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Honeypie. I've never given him any reason not to trust me, I'm always here 99% of the time to answer my emails and the phone and he did get my friend's message, as he had the cheek to forward it onto me with a whole load of question marks after it, rather than calling me!What kind of makes it ironic is that many times he just hasn't been there when I've sent him a message, or he's said speak to you later.. and then he's gone off the radar, sometimes blaming his computer, sometimes just saying he was tired and fell asleep. On a couple of occasions I heard nothing from him for 4 days, when I finally did he said he was busy helping a friend. I didn't lash out at him, I was just concerned, but I knew he was ok as I saw read receipts for all my messages, he had read them but was too "busy" to reply. Also ironically he has given me the silent treatment many times when he was angry at me over something really minor. Once it was a really difficult point in my life where I was going through a tough time and he blanked me for 6 days or so. I can't help but think this is like divine retribution of sorts.Although I have a perfectly valid reason for being unable to talk to him, it seems as if it's ok for him to just not be there, but if I "disappear", it's not allowed!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 March 2014):
There is nothing wrong with your brain. Insulting you isn't your fault.
And good for you for recognizing that you don't need or deserve that kind of treatment.
The thing with LDR is that when there is distance there is also active imaginations. My guess (and it doesn't excuse any insults mind you) is that when he didn't hear from you (let's for a moment pretend he didn't get your friend's e-mail) he ASSumed you were doing "hurtful" things to the relationship. If there is no trust in a LDR it's not going last. Same with a LDR where there aren't any REAL plans of getting together and BE together.
Let him stew in his own insults and actions. You focus on your health and moving on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've told him to get lost. I've now had messages saying he emailed me 100s of times (6, some of which were insults), he called me at home (no idea, wasn't here!), he called my mobile (no indication of that and he could have texted and didn't!) and that he is not a fortune teller and had no idea something was wrong with me.
I may not be the sharpest tool in the box sometimes and illness can play havoc with the brain generally when you're exhausted, but I fail to understand what all this has to do with insulting me. Especially as the insults were sent AFTER my friend emailed him and said what was happening to me AND asked him to send his phone number so I could call him. He knew I was in hospital and then he sent insults.. not before. He knew there was a problem and it was after being told I was ill that he flipped and became abusive.
So this feels like his desperate attempt to hang onto me after treating me like a piece of dirt. Thanks again Honeypie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's saying sorry now, hopes I am better. I had septicemia. He knows I had septicemia. Sorry, I hope you are better does not quite cut it. He also says he tried to ring me many times. He thought I didn't want to speak to him, which is why he was angry and sent hostile messages.
I can't believe he actually expects me to think this is something I can just forget about. If he had been that determined to check on me, he would have replied to my friend's email, sent her his phone number so I could call him, sent me a text. My phone has no record of him trying to call, nor of a text.
I feel very upset by all of this :0(
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 March 2014):
Never accept that someone treats you badly, no matter what excuse THEY or you make up for it. (he was stressed, we haven't seen each other in a long time.. blah blah).
The first time it happens you stand up for yourself and if the excuse isn't a GOOD one then you know to walk away.
Keep blocking and ignoring him.
I would honestly make his e-mails go in the trash/spam folder from now on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBack again. I ignored him and today I've had an email asking if I am ok and why did I ignore all his emails from before!Have to say I'm speechless. I don't know if he doesn't believe I was ever in hospital, if he's hoping I never actually got his abusive messages, or if he assumes I've had a frontal lobotomy recently.. It could of course be a combination of all of them. He doesn't deserve a reply for being such a callous b***d and as you say Honeypie, I dodged a bullet, because if that's how he responds to his supposed beloved taking seriously ill, then best to find out now rather than later.Now I've had some space from communicating with him and generally just trying to recover and get back into my routine, I've been giving the whole relationship some thought and this wouldn't be the first time he's acted in a less than kind way or said something to hurt me. This is probably just about the worst it's got though. I had minor surgery around 2 years ago and he was less than supportive then. In fact he dumped me out of the blue over nothing a few days afterwards while I was still convalescing. It may have been minor but it was still pretty big to me as it involved my womanly bits and it took a good week or so to start getting back to normal again. Funny how the mind can gloss over the bad times. I've been too forgiving in the past I think. This is my wake-up call to end this half-baked relationship for good.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2014):
Yes, it possible.
Obviously you are game to him. He tries to control you by first being on the attack and then switching gears.
He will mostly think that you have forgotten all about his previous behavior and that you are grateful for his attention.
BLOCK him and keep ignoring him. It might teach him that he isn't such a great "gift to women" as he might think he is. And it will give you the satisfaction to NOT play his stupid games.
And look at the silver lining here.... THAT is the ASS of a man you almost considered to be with. You dodged a .44 magnum there.
Chin up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't believe it. After being so nasty and really abusive in his messages, blocking me on the dreaded Facebook etc. etc... telling me to go to h@@@, that I am stupid and I always was and always will be... he just poked me.
Is it possible for someone to be so screwed up?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 March 2014):
Yes, you're well rid of this man. He's nuts. Especially if your friend had contacted him to explain what had happened, and he never bothered to call.
Well rid of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie, I don't even have his number now because my phone contacts were all wiped, which is how I couldn't even call him to say what had happened and why I asked someone to email him for me asking for his number and explaining where I was.
I was taken ill suddenly and wasn't even at home otherwise I would have let him know.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 March 2014):
What do you do?
YOU get on your knees and THANK the stars that you are now better and that you had to go into the hospital because NOW you can CLEARLY see him for WHO he is. He doesn't trust you. AT ALL.
Then LET is e-mails go into the spam/trash. Block his number and MOVE on.
My only question is, IF you knew you were going into the hospital for treatment, why didn't you let him know in advance? Or did you take suddenly ill and was taken in?
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