A
female
age
36-40,
*taunton5410
writes:Please someone help me. I have been crying for over 3 days now. My boyfriend and I have been having some problems, for intance: Whenever he got me really really mad, I would try to smack the back of his head or his chest or sometimes slap the side of his face. Well he would try to defend himself by either grabbing my arms and pushing me away or slapping the side of my face and sometimes pulled my hair. our relationship has lasted 1 year and the other night my roommate saw us get into a fight and he pushed me down and pulled my hair, to hold me away from him. she ended up calling the police on him and he went to jail. I havent spoken to him for a few days and I am so scared that he will never want to speak to me or see me again. I know that him and I get into these "headbutts" but I really want us to just learn how to control our anger towards eachother. I love him so much and I dont think that my feelings will ever change for him. I want to be back with him but how long should I wait to try and call him or see him. His parents bailed him out last night and he is staying with his brother. I dont know if any of this makes any sense but I really do want to try and do this again. Do you guys out there think that he will ever talk to me? I feel so horrible about him going to jail because there are sometimes when I will start the fights by trying to slap him but this last time I didn't touch him and it just got out of control. I just need help on what I should do right now. Should I just sit back and wait to see if he calls me or what? I dont want this to be over and I hope that he doesnt either. What can I do right now? Please help me I am so depressed, not because of what happend between me and him, but because he was sent to jail for 3 nights and we may be broken up forever.
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female
reader, Jualsy  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 I love him so much...you say......is this how LOVE behaves??
Once you have gone down the rocky road of physical abuse it is familiar, and not likely to stop occurring. Respect has gone for each other and yourselves. I guess you may feel sorry, but why would you want to take even the smallest risk of this happening again.
Life can be a whole lot better than this.
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (10 September 2007):
I predict he likes slapping you around as much as you do. He will be dumb enough to come back for more. I recommend that you both get counseling or stay away from each other. Your relationship is sick.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (10 September 2007):
 BEFORE you try to contact him, look into anger management classes. You and he need them desperately. Once you've booked one, you might invite him to join you. If you don't both go, then I recommend leaving him (or letting him leave you). One of you (or both) is going to really get hurt if you keep this up.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Your anger seems as if it's a big problem on both ends. His going to jail, he's not allowed to contact you until after his court hearing. Once the arrest there is a mandatory restraining order placed. This is one that even if you contacted him, the judge will not take any excuses. There was a case here where a restraining order was in order, the judge was about to release it when the couple kissed. Both got two weeks in jail for contempt.
Right now you're both slaves to the system. You can contact your local D.A.'s office and request lifting the order, but you'd have to go to a quick hearing to do so.
If you loved each other so much, why do you physically hurt one another? If you do decide to stay together, please seek some professional help in managing your anger. Even if you don't to prevent this from happening to others in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Well he probably is really mad right now. You know a guy should never hit a woman, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. You understand that right? If you were getting physical with him (which you should NEVER do either) he still should have just walked away. He should NEVER hit a woman. I don't know the whole story but this relationship has gotten way out of line. You both have horrible tempers and have crossed the line way too far.
You may feel responsible that he went to jail but if he had done nothing wrong he would not have gone to jail. Would he? I don't think you realise how SERIOUS what he did to you really is. Serious enough so that he was thrown in jail for 3 days. You said you hadn't even touched him and he did this to you. He got what he deserved. A man should NEVER touch a woman. NEVER. Stop blaming yourself.
As for you, you have got an awful temper yourself and have absolutely NO RIGHT to hit this guy. NO matter what. You should seek counceling. Because you have got to learn that your behavior is very unhealthy. And you have got to cope better with these situations. You should only ever fight if your life depends on it. That's it.
As for him, stop blaming yourself. He was wrong. Let him come to terms with this himself. He owes you an apology.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): The first thing you need to do is lose the guilt about him being arrested... you didn't make him assault you - that was his choice, and it was a bad one.
Okay, granted, you started on him & that wasn't right either, but at the end of the day he had a choice -- he could have walked away - but he didn't; instead he chose to react with violence & he is now paying the price for that.
That's the first thing you BOTH have to realise -- that no matter what the provocation, you are EACH responsible for your actions. No one can make you hit another -- it wouldn't matter to me what my partner did, I would never hit him out of anger. If it came down to self-defence, I would defend myself if there was no other way to get out, but that doesn't sound like it was the case with your fight... he COULD have walked out but chose violence.
So what you both need to start doing is first acknowledge that violence is something you're choosing.
You might think "no, I don't chose to be violent but I just get so mad I can't help it." WRONG. You can help it --- it takes discipline & training but you CAN chose to take an alternative route to violent behaviour.
Second, recognise that that choice is NEVER ok.
Third, make the changes in order to stop it.
I have a friend who has a rather bad temper & she'd often go off at anyone/everyone around her. She'd say it really meant nothing - that she was over it 5 mins later ... until I said to her "that's fine for you -- YOU may be over it 5 mins later, but it leaves me feeling like crap long after. It's not ok to just say 'that's just how I am' and expect everyone to be ok with that.. if you know you have a temper, do something about it to control it!"
And she has. It all comes down to choice. You guys have to make a commitment to change your approach to each other when you're angry.
I would probably suggest you both go to counselling or to anger management classes, but in the meantime, here are a couple of suggestions:
1] Always remember to use "I" when arguing, rather than "you". So, for example, don't say "You do this & that & that and you drive me mad!" That automatically puts the other person on the defensive & is the best way to inflame a situation. Use "I" phrases: "I feel really worthless to you when you go out with your friends every night..." and follow it up with what you'd like to achieve... "I'd really like it if you could spend at least two nights a week with me so I feel special."
This WILL take some practice & you will feel a bit like the Brady Bunch when you start, but push through it... as soon as you hear yourself starting a "you" sentence, think how you can re-word it.
2] Be open to the other person's need to walk away. You both need to recognise the point at which you're finding yourselves angry & learn to go for a walk. If your boyfriend can learn to say "Look, we need to calm down so we can do this properly, I'm going to go for a walk & come back when I've cooled down"... you let him go for that walk. Don't go running after him. And the same applies to him - he needs to let you walk away when you realise you are reaching a critical point.
3] Realise that arguing in a relationship is normal - but there's a knack to it. The most important thing is that IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING -- it's about communicating what you're feeling. Don't argue to win. 'Argue' to communicate & you'll find that instead of it becoming an argument all the time, it'll start being a discussion.
You need to know what outcome you want to achieve -- and that's when the "I" statements come in - be specific & explain how / what you're feeling & what outcome you'd like. Ask him if he's willing to acknowledge your feelings & make a commitment to that outcome. BUT be prepared - he might accept how / what you're feeling but may not agree with the outcome -- and that's where he's got to talk to you about what HE'S feeling & what HE'D like to achieve. And from there, you can work out a compromise or work through the issues that are behind both of your needs / wants.
** Now, in terms of right now, perhaps write him a letter & you can even include this discussion posting & ask him if he'd be willing to take this approach. Explain to him that you love him, that you don't take responsibility for his actions (that he will need to do that), but that you DO take responsibility for yours and you're willing to make a commitment to stop your violence.
Do make an appointment both separately & together for counselling if you can... you both need to work through your individual & couple issues so that you are in a healthy, productive, honest & loving relationship.
I wish you all the best. Hope this has been of some help!
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