A
female
age
41-50,
*oxxy1
writes:I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me...However I cant trust him and normally I am able to walk away at the slightest feeling of dishonesty but this one I cant seem to shake off because Im in too deep and its mad chemistry. May I add the long distance makes it worse.Prior to snooping, I trusted and loved my boyfriend but right now I cant trust him cos' I see he is still leading his past flings on and not breaking up with them. I have communicated with him to get rid of them but he hasnt cos he claims there is nothing going on with these girls. I have also tried to walk away from this relationship and none have walked. He begs and begs and does everything right but that. He tells me he will take care of it but he is still talking to these girls.Anyhoo one of my close friends gave me an idea and I want your thoughts about it. He is coming to visit me after a month and when he gets here I want to tell him I just want to enjoy him without having sex on is trip. Mind you I have also been relaxed on the phone calls and expressing my love on the phone. Basically slowly trying to clear my head of this feeling of love so I can be in control again. We talked today and I can see how he just cant wait to have sex cos' he's been waiting for me and he is horny blah blah bla. Neither did he know I dont plan on giving him some.I know you ask why? I am tired of showing him how much I care and love him. I want him to sweat me more and wonder why I am acting this way. I dont understand how if he loves me so much, he cannot cut ties with his old flames when it is clear they are not trying to just be friends, they really still want to be his girlfriend and one of them actually is crazy and thinks she is with him. I believe trying is not enough when you want and love girl. Love should make him do what I want which is to get rid of the girls. I want this relationship to work so if this is what I gotta to do to show him he has to take it more seriously and show me a 110% that no one matters then that is what I gotta do.Do you think Im going too far by putting the relationship to a test?
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female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (16 April 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have decided to to hold out on the sex but can I aatleast ask to start protecting ourselves until we get married. I will feel much better with this..From now on I want to move on without thinking of the other girls...SO is life. That is the way it is been perceived nowdays. How did I expect a relationship of 1 wk be a commited relationship. Now we are into 9mths nd I have trust issued because I didnt play my game right from the beginning. SO what im gonna do is ignore those girls and continue to have the best time with my guy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 April 2011):
 you're playing games with him. That's not fair.I'm in an LDR and you gotta trust. if you don't trust you have no relationship.NOT telling him you are going celibate on him till he gets to you will set up a horrible visit.Tell him the truth. "I can't be your girlfriend until you no longer have contact with other women... until you can give the up we can just be platonic friends"if he loves you he will give them up.... if he doesn't he will call you and that will be that. BE PREPARED to follow through with this "threat"
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Wow, trust issues in spades.
On the one hand, I completely get that you’re concerned about his relationships with the ex. It’s understandable that you want that sorted out before you go any further.
But I have to wonder if you’ve been fair to him in the lead up to this vacation. It’s a LDR, we don’t have details about how far or how much RW interaction you’ve had. I’m just going to presume that his coming to you is a big deal in terms of his vacation time and the expense. And he clearly has expectations, as it were.
Honestly, you’re leading him on. You know he expects sex when he gets there. And you haven’t told him it’s not on – you’re waiting til he gets there to let the boom drop. However justified your trust issues, I think that’s a crappy way to deal with it. If you know he expects sex, and you know it’s not on, then you’re false advertising. I know you’re trying to make a point, but I think the point can be more honestly be made by telling him what’s waiting for him. You justify your move by the chemistry you feel – that’s your trust issue imposing on him the expense of his travel and vacation time. So he shows up and gets hit in the face with your issues.
Sorry, as much as I get where you’re coming from, I have to think there’s a better way to deal with it.
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A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (15 April 2011):
 On your check list of guys not to date you have:
Don't date guys who talked to other girls.
So why are you doing it?
You may even have on your list
Don't have LDR's.
So why are you having one?
Anyways, so the guy says, ok I'll stay away from all the other girls in my life because I'll do it for you.
Or, No, we're off I'm not cutting the other girls from my life and I don't appreciate you not trusting me nor do I like to be told how to live my life.
This is about control and control is fear, you fear rejection, or not being number one or fear having to go through a break up. Whatever you fear you will act it out until you face the fear and deplete it. Maybe you don't trust people, you'll have to investigate things inside of you because in all reality, it's not coming from him.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 It is ALWAYS wrong to use sex as a bargaining counter or to blackmail someone into doing something.
It is instant death to a relationship; he will resent it and just walk away.
Find some other way of making your point - counselling?
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