A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 33 and my boyfriend is 40. We have been dating for 6 years. We have a good, committed relationship, but it seems that we want different things out of life.I live in the middle of nowhere (and love it!), and I want to settle down and have a family. He lives in the city 3 hours away, and visits when he can. He wants to live with a bunch of other people, and although he says he wants children, he doesn't want to be "trapped". I think he wants a little more time. When discussing marriage, he says that he doesn't want to make any promises that he won't keep. I am getting concerned about the biological clock, and I don't want to give up my good job to move into some situation with a bunch of 20-year-old trust funders. My boyfriend also wants me to be around more, but since I am the only one with a solid income, I am nervous about quitting and living in financial insecurity. We've been in counseling for over 1 year, and we haven't figured anything out. The counselor just says that we both have to compromise. Last year I applied for and was offered 4 jobs in various locations, but my boyfriend said that he didn't want to decide to move somewhere in a hurry, so I turned them all down. I'm madly in love with this guy, but I find I am losing patience fast. How do I move towards making a decision? When do I cut the cord?
View related questions:
want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): If, after six years, he hasn't decided to settle down, he won't. Period. A man who truly loves you will WANT to settle down and will not put it off. Cut the cord and get away from this wishy-washy infant and find yourself a real man.
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 You have to make a decision, and follow it through. I have seen family, girlfriends, wives, and lovers go through their thirties and make various lifestyle choices. All I will say is the ones who kind of did nothing, ended up with precisely that - nothing.
One of my best friends is now 49, but he lived with a woman six years his junior. They were together for over ten years, and they constantly bickered over children, about moving from his swanky flat in Portland Street (London) to Hertfordshire, about marriage, about careers, etc.
She wanted to settle, but he was never quite 'ready'.
She begged him for a commitment of some kind, until she suddenly realised that she was over 40, and she had wasted a lot of time waiting. She is now one of the bitterest women you will ever meet, full of regrets and personal pain.
You are the only person who really knows what you want from your life. I would like to see you achieve that with the man you love, but you need a definitive decision from him. The fact that a man aged 40 wants to hang around with 20 year old trust funders makes me believe that he is stubbornly refusing to grow up.
I was a horrible, flash, playboy city idiot, but I grew out of that at age 30, and settled down. I have no regrets, except I wish I hadnt wasted so much money! But when I found the woman I am with now, she was more important than anything else. If he can say the same to you, stay with him. If the young turks are more important, cut the cord, and do it soon.
Best of luck.
Rgret
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I find that it's quite hard for a thirtyish childless woman to find a good mate. The ones same age as you or a little older are either married, gay or lunatic. The married ones are stuck in a domestic situation until midlife crisis hits them and throws them out. The divorce ones already had children and don't want to add more hassles. You have to be open to other ages in the dating pool. Younger guys would be attracted to a mature woman with more experience. Older guys who are childless for their whole lives might actually welcome the idea of a child because it proves their virility. It makes them young again. Why I am I saying all this? I don't like this guy and his lifestyle. He's too calculative and can't relax. It's not too late to find another guy to build a new nest.
...............................
|
