A
female
age
41-50,
*hia1978
writes:Hello all,My bf and I broke up 4 days back. We had been together for 1 and a half years and he was the one really keen on me and told me he loved me – I eventually fell in love with him. He lost of his job cos of his drinking and then everything spiralled out of control. His self-esteem was always low and now it went even lower though he never owned up to it and kept a brave face. He went back to his hometown since there weren’t any jobs during x’mas period. I was overseas anyway and he felt alone. I knew he was going back to his hometown – my hometown too. So no issues there. We talked about it and since I was thinking for a while of moving back myself, we were happy to maintain a long distance. Then he started having doubts about us. Yes we had fought while we were living together for 6/7 months but that’s it…we never cheated on each other and we know neither of us will ever do that either. His alcohol is an issue and I had an addiction which I have kicked and been clean for more than 2 months. This addiction was his only concern and now that it’s gone he keeps bringing up vague things – we are from different cultures and that my culture’s self centred and takes care of only themselves, that I have a small group of friends and that I have a degree, a house and good job. IRRATIONAL!!Now a very close and well meaning friend who has known him for over 15 years tells me he is a very negative person and blocks out positives, when left alone he thinks of various stupid things and digs up problems, if pushed he gets defensive but if left alone he thinks no one cares. These are apparently one reason this friend, who coached him in cricket and also is a mentor, tells me that he didn’t play first grade cricket.He is joining uni now and doesn’t think he can handle a relationship. He has told me he loves me but is not in love with me. But then he flew into a rage when he found out that my flatmate had hit on me. Since he told me he wasn’t being able to make up his mind without seeing me I visited him last weekend on the pretence of attending a friend’s wedding. Friday was perfect and we even hung out with his parents. I DID NOT INITIATE ANYTHING but we made out at night and then in the morning too. He was affectionate…and he told me he loved me. But the next day he was cold and drank again and told me it was a mistake. We broke up on Sunday but not before a really emotional fight :(My counsellor tells me he is in a ‘whirlpool’ of confusion and that he didn’t use me but didn’t expect to feel anything towards me and this confused him more. He also told me not to take his angry words to heart cos he was irrational and under the influence. All the same it wasn’t pleasant. I must emphasize that he has always been very very nice to me and if anything when I would fly into a rage (and he would give me reason) he was always patient and nice to me. My rage was due to my habit and he knows that it's taken care of. He has never hurt me and I felt very protected with him. We had wonderful times but the job and money stress did create issues for him. And of course his alcohol.He hasn’t liked the fact that I have spoken to his dad. He doesn’t want me to speak to any of my friends or even my mum. He says this was between us and people interfering didn’t help. But who am I supposed to speak to then?!! IS HE FOREVER GOING TO HOLD THIS AGAINST ME?His mum thinks he should see a psychologist. I agree but he won’t since he thinks he can help himself. Now that he’s in uni maybe this will make him feel better.I haven’t contacted him since Sunday. But y’day a common friend told me he had asked him to find out how I am and to let him know. He also told my friend not to let me know he asked. WHAT IS THIS?And if we are in two different cities how can he even get to see me? I have read that if he sees me doing well he might come back but it can’t happen in our case.I really want him back and am I know that he might react the same way next time due to stress. My counsellor has told me to lay down ground rules if he tries to patch up. WILL HE CONTACT ME NOW THAT HE’S TRYING TO FIND OUT ABOUT ME? And please please tell me how I should go about this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Best way to go about this is find a better boyfriend.
Here is your answer,,
"Now a very close and well meaning friend who has known him for over 15 years tells me he is a very negative person and blocks out positives, when left alone he thinks of various stupid things and digs up problems, if pushed he gets defensive but if left alone he thinks no one cares. These are apparently one reason this friend, who coached him in cricket and also is a mentor, tells me that he didn’t play first grade cricket."
If that wasn't enough,, HE is a Drunk. Call it alcoholism if it makes you feel better but he's still a drunk. If he doesn't feel miserable enough, he drinks till he does.
You said yourself,,"I must emphasize that he has always been very very nice to me and if anything when I would fly into a rage (and he would give me reason) he was always patient and nice to me". Sunshine,, HE WAS "FEEDING OFF YOUR MISERY" that he caused himself. Of course he's going to be "nice" to you,, you were feeding his rabid desire to be miserable and make those around him miserable so he could be "happy" !!
You are only 2 months sober yourself, being around anyone like this is toxic at best and goes into the toilet from there.
There is no "patch" that will fix this trainwreck you want to buy a ticket for.
Are you willing to give up literally EVERYTHING you have worked for and gained to this point in your life for him ?? You really are not and never will be able to "fix him". He is going to have to "fix" himself and before he can do that,, he has got to WANT TO FIX HIMSELF. Last 15 years is a pretty clear indication I has NO intention of fixing anything.
Stay the course you have set for yourself. You will not gain anything but hurt-sorrow-regrets if you go backwards and into the same port that was a kraphole when you were there before!
....
I've probably just cut through 100's of hours of therapy, and alot of spent $$$$$$.
And, it didn't cost a penny.
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