| A ,
anonymous
writes: Here's the thing - I don't want a sex drive. I don't want to get involved in a relationship because they always make me miserable. No way am I doing the casual sex thing. I really do not want a sex drive.how, how, how do I kill it? I'm a woman, and in my experience the cold shower thing does not work.This post is long so that you all will know that some obvious advice won't help here.I could say a lot about why i don't want to date but this will be way too long. I've dated a lot, many long term relationships that are at best boring, at worst heartbreaking.I've had depression forever (20+ years), have seen Drs for it for years. The drugs don't help the depression much, I guess I am incurable, but I keep trying. Some do kill libido (big relief). The one now (one of the last to try) has done the opposite - I want sex 3 times or more every day. I can't add a sex-drive killing antidepressant to the mix. If I masturbate it makes me think either of the nice earlier guys that I didn't stay with, or the later ones that made me miserable, I cry and cry and cry. Any tips on killing libido without drugs? Anything at all, tabasco sauce baths, vinegar, a vegan diet (ugh)?
View related questions:
drugs, libido, my ex, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 The two last posts are very good hunny take this advise..I hope u are feeling a little better xxxxxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Hi!
I know the perfect method to help your problem!
you should see an "Acupuncturist".
& you should stop taking your drugs, all drugs have side effect.
I believe chinese medicine can help quite a lot. (and has little to none side effects)
I'm seeing one now, not for the same reason. However, I'm getting healthier and healthier.
It works. I can tell you that.
-Lea
...............................
A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (5 August 2009):
Hi there,
It may be worth your while looking up a site called sex and love addicts.
Please don't be put off by the name as it is not as it appears.
The reason I think this may apply to you is because you have an adversity to relationships and your sex drive. This could be what they refer to as sexual anorexia.
It may or may not be useful for you yet it is very interesting reading and perhaps worth a look.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (4 August 2009):
Hi Hunny
You really do sound very down and I agree with TTM..
Some may say this is not a genuine question.
Im going to answer as it is as I feel that if this is the life you have at this moment then I would not like to feel this way myself and would like some help if not at least an understanding ear...I no what it is like to feel depression and to go through horrible breakup's and of course just because all this is happening around you it doesnt always stop your sexual drive...Alot of medication will slow down and stop all feeling of wanting sex but we are sexual creatures so it will always be there and the more we think about getting rid of it the more you will think about it, So its a vicious circle...
And yes it can be very frustrating when you have no one special in your life, BUT HUNNY DONT GIVE UP! I wouldn't give up and let the depression get to me I fought and became stronger for it and I belive it possible for anyone to do this if I can..If you ned someone to talk with message me anytime TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Unfortunately, this board is not the place to ask for help when someone is having something as serious as clinical depression. It is much better to go to a health forum where the people actually have a desire to help people with a problem that is the same or similar as they have gone through. I have seen questions asked by both men and women on other boards where they have wanted to lower their sex drive for various reasons. On those boards they are given actual help and constructive advice, not told that there is something wrong with their minds. They already know that they have a psychological problem. That is why they are getting medical or psychiatric help for it. What they don't need is to be told that their question is ludicrous. What they do need is constructive help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionquiet echo - Nice play, 3rd post is much sweeter. Clearly you couldn't have ever said anything nasty.
Your post no. 1 - my question was ludicrous and equivalent to asking for ways to kill myself - nasty, stupid, lacking in empathy.
Your post no. 2 - my longwinded cry for help last night was a "bitter, whining rant" and "our happiness is ultimately our own responsibility" --directed to someone with unremitting major depression -- lacking in empathy, writer thinks depression is my own responsibility, thus I should be able to cure it on my own - "ludicrous."
heartfullalove- you're full of something. You bet I'm going to go after someone who shows no compassion, seems to feel that she is an excellent therapist (whether amateur or licensed), and thus feels justified in delivering a long lecture on how to cure my illness by using a bunch of self-help techniques so as to take responsibility and overcome a very real illness by thinking happy thoughts.
Over and out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Razor-sharp intelligence and literacy (as displayed by the OP), and stupidity (which the OP professes to scorn) aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, they often co-exist, and combine to produce a breathtakingly ignorant, arrogant contempt for the worth of other people's opinions, as expressed in the OP's last vicious post.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontroubledtoomuch -
Thank you yet again. After your first suggestion re: hormones, I immediately emailed my Dr. He had already expressed interest in the thyroid hormone suggestion from another Dr., so this is just taking things to another level. This is really giving me some hope as it is an entirely new avenue to look into.
Just skimmed Dr. Mariano's site and it looks helpful. He and my psychiatrist both got their MD at UCSD, and most likely were there at the same time. It might even be possible for me to see him, I live in CA.
I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. Psychiatrists are largely working in the dark, and the good ones admit this; endocrinology is a little better understood, but I think that the interactions of ALL of the different complex systems is beyond the comprehension of any one person, which is why Drs specialize. Psychoneuroendicrinology (one of Dr. Mariano's "things") is a lot for one Dr. to master, but a very important area that I had completely overlooked. You should see some of the flip charts I have for pathways involved in various biochemical areas (such as immunology, endocrinology, etc.)
Really, thank you so much.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionquiet-echo:
Oh, god help us, you are promoting "The Secret." Get-Rich-Quick high school drop out scams millions. Visualize that Hermes Kelly bag and it will come to you!
No wonder your message reeks of 'blame the victim" and "you can be happy if you want to be!"
Pray for a kitchen remodel or something, leave me out of it.
You've actually helped reduce my depression for a moment - nothing distracts me as much as stupidity.
To quote Albert Einstein, "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Nope, I'm over being troubled too much. I wasn't inferring that you jump into bed with guys. I was just saying what some do to get the affection that they desire and that the affection is what they really desire more than the sex. I was sort of agreeing with your statement that I quoted.
Actually, SSRIs affect hormone levels, but not the sex hormones. It effects serotonin levels, but you probably know more about that than I do.
I have been through depression and a hormone imbalance problem. It started about 2 years ago. I had depression, mood swings, ED, low libido, loss of strength and fatigue. Fortunately, through my research and a doctor who agreed with my conclusion and understood hormones, we started to treat my low testosterone. I have finally gotten it where it should be, but now my estradiol is high, so we are working to get that down. Estradiol is converted from testosterone, but I won't get into the details. I'm just showing an example of how hormones can affect a lot of things. Depression is one of the main symptoms of low testosterone in men. Men and women have the same sexual hormones, but in different ratios and amounts. I'm not sure how they affect various things in women, but I do know that some of the symptoms can be the same.
I have read how the thyroid and adrenal hormones can affect so many things, including the sex hormones, but they are even more complex than the primary sex hormones and I know almost nothing about them, except for a little about DHEA.
I think that a lot of doctors give out anti-depressants when the problem is really hormones. I can't count how many times I have read a post on a men's health board where a guy has had the symptoms of low testosterone and a doctor prescribes a SSRI and Viagra and it takes years before they are properly treated for the base cause. Actually, low testosterone isn't even the base cause. There are other hormones produced in the pituitary that affect testosterone production. And then there are hormones produced in the hypothalamus that tell the pituitary to produce these hormones. It's no wonder that few doctors understand the whole complex hormonal system.
I really think that you need a doctor to look at your entire hormone system to determine if it is possibly hormones that is causing the problem. By the way, just because a hormone is in the lab normal range does not mean that it is at a proper level. The lab normal range is normally determined by what 90% or 95% of the population is at. So if 30% of the population is actually in a bad range, most of those will be in the lab normal range. There is little research done on the complex hormones, as there is for instance on cholesterol. For cholesterol, proper levels are determined by the latest research on heart health. It changes as new research is completed. Proper hormone levels are not determined this way. It is up to the doctor to know more than just looking at normal lab ranges. For male testosterone, for instance, the lab normal range is the same for a 20 year old man as it is for a 90 year old man. That makes no sense unless a 20 year old with low testosterone is happy feeling sexually like a 90 year old. It is not like this with all hormones, but it is for a lot of them. I only use testosterone as an example, as it is one of the few that I understand well.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI troubledtoomuch -
It's not really that I jump into bed with a lot of men - I'm more of a serial monogamist, and after one relationship ends I wait a long time before trying again. If I have one date with someone, it almost always turns into a fairly long- term relationship, even if it isn't working out, even when after the first date (ok, maybe third - you have to give people a chance) I should know it's a lost cause.
Excellent suggestion re: checking various hormone levels. I don't think I need to fear a permanent loss of sex drive via SSRIs because I have been on one or another pretty much without a break for 14 years, and I have reached the point where they barely have an effect on my sex drive. Initially (years and years ago) they did, but after 2-4 months on the drug, I would adjust and it would return. Eventually I became so used to them that they stopped having the effect.
Your suggestion is especially interesting because the only novel suggestion I've gotten from a 2nd opinion (just last week) is that thyroid hormone treatment may help even though my thyroid seems to be functioning normally. However - low thyroid function correlates to low libido. All of these hormone issues also makes me wonder about my adrenal gland function. That could be related to why the best depression treatment for me has included a "wellbutrin" (norepinephrine) type drug - PLUS a good dose of Adderall.
(Biochemist by training. But really know nothing about hormones.)
Maybe a really good endocrinologist could be a big help. Thank you!
Also hope you aren't presently "troubled too much."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Here is a forum run by Dr. Mariano. He is a psychiatrist who practices in California and is also a specialist in hormones. I have heard that he believes that most mental problems are caused by hormone problems. I have not read any of his ideas on this, but his thoughts on male hormone problems make a lot of sense to me.
http://www.definitivemind.com/forums/index.php
Take a look at some of the discussion and ask a question if you like. Dr. Mariano answers most of the questions. He also writes on other forums that I belong to.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): "And I don't think I get into relationships mainly for sex - it's the loneliness, and the normal desire to be with someone you care about."
I think that is what most women want. The sex is secondary to the affection and other things in a relationship. Sometimes woman end up jumping into bed with a lot of men because they just get the sex and then move on to the next hopeful relationship.
Just be careful in your quest to get rid of your sex drive. There are lots of stories by women who have lost their sex drive by taking SSRIs and then can't get it back after they are able to get off of them. I have read these stories on a couple of woman's health boards.
The other thing that I wonder is how the various medications affect hormone levels. Have you had your hormones checked, especially total and free testosterone? If one of your medications is somehow raising your testosterone then that would increase your sex drive. Changes in estrogens and progesterone can also have an effect on sex drive. I know that there are various medications that lower testosterone in men, but I don't know what various ones do in women. It would be worth talking to your P-doc about that. If your T is high, perhaps there is something that he can give you to temporarily lower it. I don't know if that would work, just a suggestion. Another hormone is DHT (dihydrotestosterone). It probably affects sex drive more than just T does. It is converted from T and there are meds that can stop the conversion. They are normally used for men though, but there are a lot of meds that were designed for one sex and prescribed for both sexes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew, Lazyguy, and troubledtoomuch- thank you for the thoughtful and kind responses. I know that the depression is the real problem.
My apologies for my bitchy reply to quiet-echo. I have a short fuse right now and I thought that she made a very poor analogy, and failed to display empathy to someone clearly in a lot of pain.
The rest of you did show empathy.
I have told my psychiatrist (P-doc) about this problem, I try to tell him everything so he has the info to treat me the best way. And I have a great therapist (T), and tell her everything too. I talked to my P-doc for a long time Friday night. The sex drive thing got a lot worse this weekend.
Unfortunately, we can't really change the meds right now. I'm getting off a drug that can cause horrible withdrawal symptoms (can sometimes be almost as bad as getting off heroin) and I need this new med to prevent that. And the tapering off can take a long time. The way I flipped out last night and posted my message is probably in part from the drug withdrawal.
BTW, I am unemployed from a job I loved (start-up failed after 3 years) so every day is a weekend for me, what a blast.
Lazyguy, thanks for treating my question as reasonable. And yes chemo would be bad! I just hoped there might be something used by tribal medicine men in Australia or somewhere that someone would know about. But not many people are looking for help with this problem (probably even less likely in Australian aboriginal tribes!)
Danielpew - I don't blame my bad relationships on my sex drive - and really relationships aren't big problem right now, I just fear that if this continues I might get into the first relationship that comes along, and that has been bad in the past. (When you are depressed you start looking for depressing things to think about.) And I don't think I get into relationships mainly for sex - it's the loneliness, and the normal desire to be with someone you care about. I want someone to have fun with, who will be there if I really need him, who I can take care of too, and talk to without being judged. The sex is definitely important, and for me, no sex means the relationship ends, but it's just sad if it is sex alone.
It's not that I want to permanently kill my sex drive (just in case), but for now it would help. I do doubt my ability to get into a healthy relationship. Even if the depression went away, a lot of damage has been done and I have developed "habits" and am likely to repeat the relationship cycle. I was in remission (no depression) when I met the abusive guy. After a number of months with him the depression came back - I couldn't think clearly and get out early. So logic tells me to avoid the risk of getting involved and having it bring the depression back. There is no way to know for sure if a person will make you truly miserable. I would rather be without depression forever even if it means no relationship.
Troubledtoomuch - you are right that my meds include something like Wellbutrin. But my drug includes and SSRI - the "problem child" drug is "like" a combo of and SSRI and wellbutrin. (Wellbutrin works a little differently than these combo drugs, but same basic idea.) I've tried 30+ drugs in complex combos - I know more about these drugs than a lot of psychiatrists.
I have gone for the second opinions, at the urging of my excellent p-doc and T. Both have encouraged me to switch Drs. if I feel that any of them can help me more than they can. I went to Drs that are very very good, I live someplace where excellent care is available. My current p-doc is an expert in treatment resistant depression, and very very highly regarded by leading psychiatrists nationally. The "second opinions" weren't able to suggest much since we've tried almost everything drug-wise.
But there are still some options left, which I will be pursuing soon.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, and thanks more than I can say to those of you with real empathy and concern.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo quiet-echo -
You aren't too bright, are you? Suicide is permanent and irreversible. If I wanted a permanent, irreversible solution I would be asking for a referral to a good Dr who performs female genital mutilation someplace.
Read carefully so that you can fully understand. You also need to read between the lines when you are reading something written by an individual who is clearly very upset. With practice maybe you too will be able to comprehend things.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): I am assuming that you have been switched from A SSRI, which often does lower or kill sex drive to one of the newer drugs, like Wellbutrin, which often increases sex drive. If this the case, then as others have said, talk to your doctor about it.
It seems like your depression is the main problem and without getting that under control, you will not solve your problem. I agree with Daniel completely. Depression can stand in the way of being happy with a very good relationship. Depression can cause a person to do many things that they would not otherwise do. It can make them very unhappy with something that would otherwise make them happy. It can make them hate sex or become very promiscuous, all the time still being unhappy. Killing your sex drive is not the answer. Solving your depression problem is the solution, but as you know, that is easier said than done. In any case, a good doctor is the person best trained to solve this for you. Perhaps you should get a second opinion from another doctor.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 If it causes you this much difficulty, you really should ask a doctor about it. You are already taking medication and the request is not that extreem in itself. But just as there is no viagra for women, there also may not be as easy a sex-drive killer for women. Well apart from chemo-therapy, but that would be a bit extreem.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 Your sex drive is built into you and the most natural thing is not to kill it, but to direct it in positive ways. Your sex drive did not get you into bad relationships. If that were true, it would be true of all people, but we know that a good number of people around the world are quite happy to be in stable and loving relationships where they can simply let go (in reckless frenzy). Sex drive is not the problem.
You have depression, which changes things. Maybe it was your depression what took you to the bad relationships, or to give up the good relationships you did have. That is the problem you need to solve. And I see that your current medication increases the sex drive. Then, the problem lies in the medication.
I believe that you need to really, really try hard to find balance in your life, so you can have balanced and happy relationships. Bear in mind that there are no guarantees in life, and when we start a relationship we need to be aware that it might not turn out to be what we wanted.
I sense you're alone and sad and sex seems to alleviate those feelings, but the men you have been with have not given you what you need. Maybe they have tried, but depression has stood in the way.
It seems to me that your doctor needs to know about this and hopefully offer a solution.
...............................
|
