A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I live at home with my elderly parents and my 3 children.My 25yr old son is an alcholic, my 18yr old is well adjusted, but this gets the family down. It will obviously affect my 10yr old daughter.My dad has cancer he hasn't told mum.My mum takes over. I've told my eldest son to leave. After 12yrs of trying to help, he plays my mum, gets money of them which i wouldnt give him to help kill himself.Mum chooses to ignore my advice and lies to me, dad etc.I want to be there for my dad but my son and my mum are just making life so hard. It upsets me that mum doesnt see. Tough love may be the only way now.She was very strict on my brother, sister and myself when we were younger. This would not be tolerated. Any advice would be helpful.Thank you.
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reader, DV1  +, writes (26 May 2007):
 People are going to make the choices that they are going to make, and unfortunately, you can't force them to change. What you can change is how you react to it. If you don't like the situation, you can choose to leave. This could possibly serve as a statement to them, and possibly help as a push for change.
DV1
A
female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (26 May 2007):
Wanted to say too, even though your son has a terrible problem with alcohol and clearly it is recognised as an issue. I realise you see yourself as the one thing that is solid, no one lying to someone else, no one supporting someone without telling them. You realise the issues in your family and I am sure they've been apparent for awhile, however if you are going to be there for your Dad - hospital appointments, seeing your Dad in bad ways...then do it. But stop feeling responsible for how much your Mum backs up your son, your son having a problem with alcohol. It is the choice that your Dad has made that is really important then support him. Stop fretting and being everywhere for everyone. If your Dad has asked for your support, you wants or needs you to be there or do the support, then do it, but stop being responsible for people who are in denial. Your Mum is in denial that her Grandson has a serious problem and he free-loads and you know your son is an alcoholic. Respect your Dad's wishes that he doesn't want your Mum to know, though it will be extremely difficult to cover this up. Is he going to seek treatment??
There may come a time where you are burnt out and you ask him of you can tell someone else in the family. The emotional burden of being the only one who knows is horrible but also ask him what he expects you will have to say after he has gone to the family. Does he want you to go through shit being told you were somehow a person that was incredulous, a phony or that you aren't to be trusted. Ask him how he thinks it will be like for you after he has gone? The ramifications, the responses etc...he has to support you even if he has the illness.
Don't take on the world, you will crash and burn. Be caring, be there but also ask the person who is sick and dying how you deal with what you have to tell everyone. My Mum gave me 'permission' to leave my ex-husband, since then, my Dad has wondered why it was important for me to take advice from a woman who was dying...it was all too easy for her to say etc the things I wanted to hear. Please talk to me anytime, but remember you are you, not an extension or a plaster for your son or Mum.
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (26 May 2007):
My answer to you is to stop seeing relationships from the past. You know of your Dad's situation, how so and so treats another person...has it occurred to you that people might feel differently if they knew. It is awful to say but sometimes terrible circumstances can make people who are not accepted suddenly come around full circle. However this is your Dad's choice. I don't know though how he is going to cover up the physical appearance of himself. As for effecting people. It will effect your daughter of 10 years old and if your oldest son is utilizing your mother for money then maybe he should know the truth? You didn't say that you had kicked him out because of the news of your Dad. As for your daughter it doesn't matter whether your 10 or 30 when you see someone suffer or a family break apart because of illness...but if you are honest with her and you answer her questions however adult or mature they are. My grandmother died when I was 14 (two days before my birthday) and I always thought that the fact that she had done too much shopping and housework had caused her to become sick because that is what I was initially told...I later found out she had breast cancer and had had it for years, mastectomy the whole nine yards. I remember feeling very angry when I found out that it wasn't an extrenous day of shopping that had killed my Grandma but an issue that had been going on for years. My Mum (her daughter) died of the same thing at 57 which was three years ago. My daughter who is 6 now, saw my Mum dead, no hair, stinking of infected tumours etc and yet because I've been totally honest with her, she talks about my Mum with love and admiration. I never hear of stories about how she looked or was wearing etc. Talk to your daughter and ask her what she thinks, her desires, she might want to help you...stop worrying about your son, and everyone elses' feelings. Just try and do what you can for your Dad but not to the detriment of your marriage or your relationship with your children. I sacrificed my marriage to care for my Mum. I have no regrets but I know it just could have been different. Respect the wishes of your Dad though. If he doesn't want your Mum to know then honour that. It is so important to someone who is dying. I know that I won't be liked by that comment, but it is true. Please contact me privately, I CAN and WILL be there for you...this is not something for you to go alone, I mean that.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 May 2007):
 Oh my dear you poor thing, living with this must be so hard for you, I do feel for you.
Living with your elderly parents is one problem in itself but to also have your 3 children who by the sounds of things are not children anymore apart from your daughter who is 10, just adds to your everyday stress.
To now have your dad confide in you that he has cancer is massive and I have been where you have with my own dad so I do understand a small amount of what you are going through.
However, I do not have a son who is an adult at 25 and an alcoholic.
Whose house do you live in - yours or your parents?
I think as you are your son's mother you should make the ground rules where he is concerned and take charge of him. The alcohol stops now and he gets help or he is out on his ear. Next time he ends up drunk then call the police and let him stew in the cells for a night. Your mother is not helping him but just helping him to destroy himself. She needs to have a wake up call where he is concerned.
She must see what he is doing to himself and realise that he is an alcoholic? If you have already told your son to leave and he refuses then you need to get him out one way or another and even if this does not sit well with your mum at least it sounds like your dad does not object.
You need to be able to be there for your dad emotionally and although your dad has not told your mum, she really does need to know as I think she is living in a dream world and it may bring her back to reality if she realises how much her husband needs her right now. It may also take her attention away from your son and she may see him for the selfish man he has become.
You cannot deal with all of this on your own, you need support from any friends and most definitely your boys. Your alcoholic son needs to think of his grandad instead of himself and if he respects him in any way then he needs to straighten himself out.
Has your son ever tried any rehab programs or AA meetings at all? How does he fund all of his drinking, apart from his Nan's handouts?
Have you sat down with your mum and said about the affect your eldest son is having on your other son and daughter and how you need her to stop interferring and undermining you?
I don't know all the answers by any means.
What I do know is that my dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2000 and he was aged 72 at the time and successfully went through surgery and made a complete recovery. He enjoyed many years and even saw my daughter born in 2001, his 4th grand-daughter. Unfortunately due to heart problems and many other things, not cancer though we lost my dad in February this year aged 79, mum and he would have celebrated 55 years together in March so they missed it by 1 month almost to the day.
The one thing that I have learnt over the last few years is that we have such a short period of time here and we have to make the most of it and be happy and be there for our loved ones and close friends.
Yes it could well be tough love that is needed here but I think you have already made that decision yourself so the biggest hurdle now is actually making it happen.
Get as much support from your friends and family and if your son refuses to go then perhaps a few male friends can physically remove him or get the police to do it and change the locks. Make sure your mum does not intervene and perhaps put an legal order in place to say that he can no longer visit the house or he will be in breach of the order.
Your family right now need safety, security and normality and whilst it must be a killer to turn away your own son, you are only doing it for his own good. Perhaps you can get him on a program instead but he needs to recognise he has a problem and that will only come about by seeing a doctor initially and then a psychologist etc. He sounds as though he will never make that move unless you do it for him.
I know you cannot go against your dad's wishes but if your mum sounds as strong willed as she does she will always resent you and your father if anything happens to him and it all comes out later about the cancer.
Where is your dad's cancer and is it treatable?
How old is your dad?
If I can help in any way even as just an ear to listen I will try in whatever way I can.
Stay strong, positive and focused as it is the only way to get through every day.
I am still not grieving for my dad right now as I have been so busy with paperwork and my own work for me to allow myself to falter in any way. The key though is just planning one day at a time and perhaps you can do the same.
You will get through all of this and you will come out the other side and there will be a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel - honest.
I was always very close to my dad - more so than my mum but I am now getting able to know her. We only have one mum and dad and they are precious to us no matter how much they interfere so now you be the parent and stand proud.
Keep smiling eh!!
Take care of you and yours.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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