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age
26-29,
*
writes: Hey! So I've been dating this guy for around 2 months. He lives in Harrogate and I live in Manchester. We both drive and can see each other all the time. But he has just got out of a relationship literally a month before we started dating, he has been honest with me and says he "isn't sure" if he wants a relationship. Which come on, is code for "he does not"! He says he likes being single and also likes what we have going on. I have slept with him , which is probably why he likes it ! Lol. But I'm not looking for that, I want the complete opposite, I want a relationship and that one person to be with, I'm done with temporary people. But I haven't told him this , so maybe I'm giving off the wrong impression ?? Probably my fault. We do text all day everyday which I do like. But I don't want to carry on liking him when he has this mind set! We have just been speaking and he said basically he can't wait to get on his lads holiday this year so he can sleep with a load of girls because he likes being single and it's different for him. Haha!! Which fair enough , he is 22 and most lads his age do think like this. So should I tell him I don't wanna speak to him anymore ?? Because I do , but we totally want different things I don't really see the point ? It is early days but I know what I want and he knows what he wants. And they're total opposites. I just don't know how to tell him?? How do I word it because it's only me who's going to get hurt and obviously I don't want that! So could someone please piece together some words for me to say please ??
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 January 2017):
 Yes, you tell him.
Be honest. Tell him you have come to realize that you are NOT looking for another casual partner, you want a relationship, and that you understand HE isn't looking for a serious relationship which is all fine and good with you, but it also means that before you get TOO emotionally invested in this "thing" you two got going you will bow out and walk away. Then wish him good luck and BLOCK him.
If he isn't ready for something serious (which is understandable as he just ended a relationship) and he is "happy" being single then he isn't a good match for you.
You have tried casual and you know that is not what you want, so don't continue to see him and definitely do not try and "change" his mind either. He will resent it.
If you WANT more for yourself, then don't settle for less. And honestly? Don't start having a sexual relationship BEFORE you are sure he is a guy you WANT to date and HE wants to date you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): Regardless of gender, people just coming out of a breakup are not good candidates for new long-term commitments. They are undergoing emotional and psychological changes that prevent them from being in the proper state of mind to take on yet a new relationship, and all that a true commitment requires. Their emotions are raw, and can turn on a dime.
You are trying to dodge the fact you may have been rebound sex; and decided after the fact that you want something more meaningful. If you want something meaningful, you have to delay sex for awhile to determine how much a guy really likes you vs having sex with you.
You also have to get to know a guy, his quirks, faults, phases of his temper, and some of his past. Then you can base your feelings on his true intentions, character, and values. His real personality; as opposed to the persona he may create for a date, and to seduce you into sex.
He told you he isn't ready for a relationship; and before you harshly judge him; realize it is a wise move on his part. It is too soon.
He can date, but jumping from one relationship into the next is just irresponsible and impetuous. You need to deal with detachment processes, loose-ends, and establish a clear understanding with your ex that there is no possibility of reconciliation. Then convince yourself of the same.
Unless you already had a side-relationship already in-progress, and all you had to do is close the other like an old banking account. Withdraw your remaining funds and transfer over to the new account. It's just not that simple. Human minds undergo biological and psychological processes to bond and form a relationship. The same processes must reverse themselves to breakup.
There is no switch that immediately turns-off feelings for someone if they were real to start with. If you read DC on a regular basis, you would see the high percentages of posts from people who haven't completely gotten over their exes. Only to decide they got into the new relationship before they were ready. Still yearning for their exes, or going through residual drama leftover from lingering and unresolved issues with their exes.
I make the exception of abuse, where your feelings can change in an instant. You can immediately detach from a person who causes you harm, fear, and trauma.
You may as well end it, if he has made it clear he only wants to date. However; you have to learn that sometimes you have to go through a series of dates in order make the best selections; not just commit to the first guy who wants a relationship. You have to be on the same page about that. Have the same level of attraction, really know without a doubt you want to be monogamous, and be totally psychologically and emotionally available. You can't have trust-issues or be in an emotional flux and form a solid bond with another person.
A high percentage of young women who claim they are ready for a commitment are far from it. They have the following problems requiring immediate attention first: trust issues, they are needy and clingy, have unrealistic expectations, no notion of what a good man is, low self-esteem, dependency issues, lack of assertiveness, low earning-potential, body-image issues, and an overly-developed sense of suspicion. Don't demand more than you can give. If you want a good man, you've got to be a good strong and stable woman. Uneven relationships don't last.
Take your time, and enjoy dating. Too many women go on a manhunt in desperation demanding commitment; only to find it fizzles-out, they were needy and fell too soon, or had sex far too soon before establishing a real romantic and emotionally-bonded connection.
You can't talk him into wanting a commitment with you, and the less said the better. Just explain you were looking for something more. Then move on. Your timing with this guy is just not good.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (12 January 2017):
 Yep, that's exactly what you do.
I've been in this situation myself with a girl I wanted to go out with and I can tell you it will only get worse from this point if you continue speaking.
Just tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to continue speaking because you both want different things. Wish him well then block and delete him from anything where you can contact him and then begin the moving on process.
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