A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ugh. I posted a question April 19 regarding my husband's old secret that has destroyed a friendship and marraige both. In a nutshell, he cheated on me with a mutual friend, lied about it for years, and now thinks I should get over it and still be 'friends' with the cheaters because they have been such an integral part of our lives. We raised our children together, went on a bunch of vacations, etc. He says he just doesn't dump friends like I seem to want to do. The female tried to undermine our relationship over the years, in addition to the long ago cheating episode. "Friends with Benefits" she called it. Well I can't stomach her any longer, and feel very vengeful on this whole thing. I don't think anyone else in our group knows about this...and I want to blab!!! This will either be totally self destructive, or for sure put my already poor marriage into the divorce tank. I am seeing a marraige counselor, however, what can I do to cope with this mess in the mean time? I am an emotional wreck. Do you have any good one-liners for the next time I see the little snake?
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affair, cheated on me, divorce Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): Yes, I agree, I have been inadvertently supporting his behavior for years. Not seeing the truth, but feeling it in my gut. The cheating was very long ago, however, the emotional affinity he feels to the friends still goes on. He thinks it is 'my' problem. He refuses to see his part in all of this.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 June 2011):
 Get a really good lawyer who will ensure you get every single penny you can out of the adulterer.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2011):
 the "kid" is in college... so he's over 18 or close to it..
do NOT stay together for the sake of this "child" or any child...
ugh what a double betrayal the man you are married to (he does not deserve the term husband) is giving you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I would leave the cheating low life and when friends and family ask why, i wouldn't be shy in telling them all that he was banging your so called friend for years. Then you havent started war they started it by having the affair in the first place and it will then be up to your friends to decide how they want to deal with this information, just don't hold it against them if they still talk to them it has to be there own choice. Best of luck i hope you find happiness with somebody more deserving of you :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): Friends like that need to go.
Husbands who can't let the other person go, well, they need to go with them.
As far as growing a pair, your husband needs to grow them, not you. If he had a pair, he wouldn't be treating you like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): yes you finally see the light - your husband IS a pathological self centered person.
don't feel guilty about how your kid will feel because it's your husband's doing, not yours own.
don't go along and cover up your husband's wrong doing for him anymore. that's part of the reason why he continues to be the way he is, because you're inadvertently supporting him in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): Thanks people! I guess I need to 'grow a pair', and get on with my life. What I really hate is how it will affect my kid. He knows there is tension between hubby and me, but we have done our best to cover it up. I am sure when he goes back to school (college) this fall, things will really blow up. I am beginning to think I live with a pathalogical self-centered person.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 June 2011):
Your husband betrayed you, and yet is now making you out to be the bad guy for being upset about it? He cheated on you, kept it secret for years, and yet he feels he has the right to tell you to just 'get over it'?
clearly he is a selfish jerk who doesn't care anything for you at all. He has zero compassion for you. He thinks that a bunch of family vacations (all while keeping his secret) overrides his betrayal and obligates you to accept it?
"He says he just doesn't dump friends like I seem to want to do. "
This is appalling. The next time he says this, how about you tell him that you don't just betray people like he seems to want to do. Or remind him that people who betray you and stab you in the back and lie to your face about it, are not real "friends" therefore you're not dumping anyone, because they were not friends to begin with.
I think you need to divorce him because he's clearly not the least bit remorseful about his infidelity, he doesn't care at all how you feel, and in fact he's blaming you for the fall out that he caused. There's no hope of a marriage being saved if the cheating spouse isn't even remorseful. So, what are you waiting for?
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (20 June 2011):
 Some people like to entice someone who is in a relationship. It is selfish and narcissistic, but unfortunately not uncommon. These people do not know or understand happy, committed, and healthy relationships. So they have no problem engaging in behavior they know is destructive to a relationship.
Be VERY careful with including people like that in your circle of friends!
Revenge and "scarlet letter" exposure is a very understandable reaction, but it won't bring you any peace. You want your husband to understand how that made you feel, and any revenge on the other person involved will do nothing toward that end.
Do you have a close friend who is familiar with all parties involved with whom you could discuss the situation? Someone you can vent to and get honest advice from? Of course, it is always very important to be careful who you get advice from.
I have to agree that your husband seems to be more concerned with keeping up appearances and covering up the "problem" rather than dealing with it and making progress within the marriage, and that has to upset you greatly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): A lot of people will say remain in dignified silence and u will not achieve anything by letting other know of this affair:
I firmly believe that by talking up it helps with closure. Yes you heard right: so scream, shout, cry and act nasty: just do it and mourn the loss of your hb, the marriage and this "friendship" . So what if your common friends know? Actually u will be doing a few a favour by letting them know there is a snake amongst you.
If this all blows up in your face, what exactly do you lose: nothing. However be prepare for common friends choosing sides, and even supporting the cheaters.
The gall of your hb for not distancing himself from the "good friend " of his.
Time to take off the gloves and get your own back!
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): You have every right to be angry amd you shouldn't have to be friends with her at all. I may be young, but i can't stand someone who would try to break up anyone else, try to usurp their happiness. She and your husband betrayed you!
BUT spreading the news would be wrong. You can tell some good friends if you want to, but turning all her friends against her would not only ruin your marriage, but it would be morally wrong. Sure, she deserves every ounce of it, but betraying her like that would bring you down to her level. Do you want that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Leave him, he cheated on you! He has no remorse at all dump him for good and dump this so called 'friend'. TEll the group what went on and move on with your life. If your group of friends doesn't stick by you then they wern't friends in the first place
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (19 June 2011):
 His past actions and current actions are SICK. He lacks any type of sensitivity.
I wouldn't mention anything to other people till after you leave. Honestly dear, you are hurting yourself MORE by staying in this relationship. Seeing him/them is a daily reminder of what he did physically/sexually with another woman. Is it worth your sanity, long term emotional happiness and health to stay in this one????
He doesn't even sound remorseful or sensitive to the fact that this other woman should NOT be in your lives. I'd ask him how he would feel if you had a 'friends with benefits' set-up with this womans husband?? Tell him you don't sleep with family friends, like he seems to want to!
Serve him separation papers. Its time to think about yourself and your happiness. He isn't even apologetic and doesn't deserve you. Time to divorce, get over this and find your happiness again!
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