A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want my lover back. We had so much fun going from friends to "secret lovers". My husband never found out, but others started talking...so after I told him others were suspicious we stopped.. never really talked about it, and our friendship has fizzled. I miss him and I know he had feeling for me. We used to talk and joke all the time, now we talk about once every 2 months and random texts..never about our love affair. I am married, but --don't tell me to leave my marriage because there are too many things involved (money, children, drug abuse)and eventually I will leave it. I want to know if any male has been through this and give me insight as to how he might feel about me--is he over me already?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Re response by 'Askoldersister' I totally agree. You need to prioritise your family. We all need some life for ourself too but you have a husband of your own & problems at home that you need to deal with. This guy is getting on with his own life and that is the right thing to do. Leave him to it & sort attend to your family life.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 January 2010):
 Well this is a very difficult situation. People do fall in love in extramarital affairs, though its not wise to do so.
You need to straighten out your domestic situation and the sooner the better. Money, kids, drugs are all issues. Perhaps retain a marriage counselor or mediator to either patch it up or find a way to dissolve it amicably.
Now turning to your lover. If he is or was single, its very tough on him. The reason why is because when in an affair with a married woman, he cannot tell his friends about you; he has to turn other women down because he likely wanted to be exclusive to you (and was waiting for you to leave your marriage); and basically his love life was on a part-time basis.
He may still love you, but he may also be over you.
Caring Guy said it best. A single guy involved with a married woman sees no future in the relationship. So when you and he broke it off -- you took a break so that others who suspected would not know for sure.
You and he have sporadic contact because there's a spark there that won't ever go away.
However, I would not recommend continuing the affair until you see a future with your lover. And right now, the future is nowhere imminent.
Most people would tell you to end your marriage before you step out and date. However, that's not always feasible. Some people, men and women, emotionally check out of their marriage and go looking for affairs.
My suggestion to you, is if you want to end your pain, get a divorce soonest and then go back to your lover, or, find someone else who can make it so you'll be happy.
That's the most practical solution. Its not always the first choice because of circumstances. Philandering, however, should always be your absolute last resort, not your first choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): Oh dear me! Firstly, the only person that can actually answer your question is your ex lover. He may have feelings for you but that is kind of irrelevant. It's not clear from your post whether you actually dumped him or he just backed off because of the gossip? Anyhow, he made the decision to stay away so even if he does care for you he may feel that it is better to cut his losses and move on, due to the circs & I would say he is being sensible. On the other hand it may have been a fun fling for him and when he saw possible complications he just went away. You have made it clear that you are not prepared to divorce your husband at the moment so you have made your choice. Your ex lover may simply not want to hang around being a bit on the side until you get a divorce and I guess you can't blame him. I am a female answering here but if I do know one thing about men, it is that when they are determined on a particular course of action they will single mindedly go for it with great focus. If he has decided he doesn't want to stay involved with a married woman it's unlikely he will change his mind, unless he decides he wants some fun/sex/company .. do you see what I'm getting at?? The point is not so much whether he is over your or not but whether he is prepared to be a married woman's bit on the side and clearly he isn't. If he isn't over you however, then the only way to find out is to ask him BUT you are not offering him anything so he may decide to just stay away. If he comes back, a torrid affair can olny end in tears with you getting caught and then your husband might divorce you. There are so many ifs and buts but there is a bottom line: Affairs are bad news-Big Time! Just read all the other posts on this site re affairs - there seem to be posts about affairs every day and none of them make very happy reading. Sort our your family and marriage and leave him to get on with his life. You say you have a lot to lose so don't play with fire! If of course on the other hand, you decide he is the one for you and you married the wrong guy, tell your husband, get a divorce and make a new life with this guy but don't go down the route of another illicit affair - you will proabably end up regretting it. Try and step back and think carefully about it. Good luck. :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 January 2010):
He saw no future, because you were still with your husband. He has moved on. Don't go back to the affair, address everything else first. And don't be sure your husband won't find out if you do go back.
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