A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am in a relationship and having a few issues with my current girlfriend.I wasn't that keen on her to start with but I seem to have really fallen for her.We get on well as friends, spend nearly all of our time together, she's really loving and the sex is good (not sure if people want to know that but anyway). She has a great little body and is quite cute.My problem is mainly to do with her past. She has had 10 previous sexual partners and only 3 of them were in a relationship. The rest were short one night stand/weekend relationships but they were with people she already knew rather than with strangers and she did say that she always wanted them to develop into a relationship but it never worked out. This was all at university. It makes no sense for me to feel bad about this as it was before she even met me but it makes me feel the same as being cheated on.I think what makes me mad is the fact that I see lads at football boasting about some girl that they picked up the night before and being quite disrespectful about them. I would hate the thought of seeing one of her exes and them thinking that they've had my girlfriend and that she's a slag or something. It's not the amount of partners she's had but that she's given herself away easily. I feel like i've shared her with people that don't deserve her.My previous girlfriend had been with 8 sexual partners but all in relationships which didn't really bother me at all. I lived with this girl and had total respect for her views on everything and she thought that one night stands were disgusting. The only problem with my relationship with her was that we didn't get on as friends towards the end of the relationship.My girlfriend can be quite ladish at times and has alot of male friends compared to girls which doesn't really worry me as I trust her. She drinks pints fairly often which i'm not keen on. I prefer someone who is quite girly actually although she can be quite cute and girly sometimes which I like.I have been with four sexual partners 3 being fairly long term relationships (about 2 years each). The other one was a girl that I knew for a long time but lost contact with and we met up again in a night club and decided to see each other. This ended on bad terms as I caught her messing around. It was still about 3-4 months though.I have never felt like I am capable of a one night stand as I usually want something more than that. I enjoy being close to someone and taking a girl out and looking after them etc. This is all I have ever wanted while more or less every one of my friends has had one night stands. I have had a few opportunities and not really gone for them as it doesn't feel right for me to sleep with a stranger.I don't know if i'm weird for being like this or if i'm just better at figuring out what I want relationshipwise. I think sex should be saved for someone who is quite special to you and things like page 3 and girls that get their boobs out on the beach should be saving theirselves for someone that deserves to see them naked/half naked.Another thing that annoys me is when we go on stag do's we always end up in strip clubs and they feel so wrong. I have to go in else look like a party poopa or be on my own. I really don't like it that my girlfriend has been to one of these places (male strip club) but she said that it was just about having a laugh with her friends and that she doesn't find a naked man that attractive anyway.I like girls to be fairly ladylike and not behave like this. Maybe i'm not being realistic. I don't actually like it myself so maybe that's why.Sorry for the long post but I wanted to see if anyone else has similar views to me. I don't know if I just have old fashioned morals or where they actually came from. My family are not religious in the slightest.I sometimes think that my girlfriend is not right for me but it seems normal for alot of girls/lads to sleep about these days. It's quite depressing to think that it will be almost impossible to find the right girl although my last girlfriend came pretty close. Maybe I ask for too much.I look forward to hearing peoples opinions.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Hi, i'm the person that posted this.
Thanks for the replies.
I want to say that I am not judging anyone on any of these issues but just saying how they make me feel.
My friends have one night stands, enjoy strip clubs etc and I don't think any less of them but I just wanted to know if most people are like that as my ideal partner would have similar views to me.
I would find it hard to split up with my girlfriend as I care for her alot and it seems a silly thing to split up over. I just wish it didn't make me feel sick at the thought of her sleeping around. I would hate seeing her with someone else if we split up and she's in my circle of friends so it's even worse.
I don't know if i'm just looking for problems though and obsessing over this. I tend to have a perfectionist attitude to most things. My last girlfriend used to say that. At football I can have a really good game but if i've made a few mistakes i'm not happy. I don't know if this is me not wanting to settle for anything less than what I want. It seems that my gut feeling is telling me that i'm with the wrong girl but my other feelings say that I really like her.
She is so good in a lot of ways. I wish that i'd met her earlier before these nobs had her. She will just be a number to them. They obviously didn't have much respect for her if they wouldn't see her again.
Are there a decent amount of nice girls that don't do this?
Maybe the way I think about these one night stands is different to how they happen. I'm seeing them as just a way of relieving themselves with no feelings involved. That to me is not what I want in a long term partner. I'm sure alot of men even the ones that have slept about themselves would not want a wife that has done this although it is double standards.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): i personally dont think you are asking to much. I encourage you to keep looking. This girl is just exactly what someone is looking for...but i dont think that someone is you. Good luck, mal
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Have a read of this article I wrote:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
It is a fairly long one but there are some great contributions from some other men on this site, I think between us we have given a fairly broad but conclusive view of the "issues with girlfriend's past" scenario that comes up so frequently here on DC.
If you still have more questions or want to discuss any of the issues in that article then feel free to message me or provide a follow up on this question and I will try and help in any way I can!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): i think you know that you're just one man on a laundry list of penises.. there are plenty of girls that have more class and that value relationships more than sex, so GO FIND ONE!
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Well if you absolutely can't live with this then by all means find a different girl. But you're going to have to look pretty hard to find a girl who's not religious who's never had a one night stand. It doesn't make her a whore that she's slept with other men. And to feel bad that she's been in strip clubs when you have as well is a complete double standard. You say it's because you don't want to be a party pooper, but she just had a laugh, and she's only done it once or twice. How are they different? They're not is the answer. Also, you say one of your sexual partners was just an old friend you met at a bar, but it's still a one night stand. I don't think that having a one night stand qualifies her as just "giving herself away."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): you ask for too much, but you can keep trying. however, you will have to live with the consequences of looking for perfection.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): You need to let this go- lady like and sexual are TWO different things. If you're calling her a slut, please come out and say it- if you resent that she slept with guys on the first day they met, had one night stands and had sex out of a relationship, and has gone to female strip clubs. I find it troubling that you're judging her and not open minded enough to love her for who she is.
Remember that our lovers are the way they are because they took EVERY STEP that brought them to us... Love her for who she is, embrace it, and know that it's in the past. Set your goals together, including boundaries... come to a workable agreement, personally if she want's to sun bath topless IMO that's her prerogative, not yours. If it makes you uncomfortable, that's your ego telling you that you have a personal growth opportunity- listen to it, and GROW... shutting her down will likely turn her away from you.
Good luck... if you mess this up you;ll know it in around a year... a good woman is hard to find, even if she enjoys being a bit 'bad'...
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