A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello . My boyfriend and I just broke up. Here is our story.I was married with a child when I met him. For 2 years we lived our love in the dark, and far from each others. He is my great love, and vis versa... Last August, I decided to finally take my courage and leave my husband. I moved to my boyfriend's original country with my child. My boyfriend always wanted to come back there. I arrived before him, took a house. He came after. But i had a hard time now to actually involve him into the house so he stayed at his parents. I was afraid of my child reactions. I love my boyfriend more than anything else in the world , but we started to argue. It was a tough time because we were both looking for a job, had no money, we were trying to adapt to each others in semi-living life, he tried to adjust to having a child that is not his own (my child is very demanding), i tried to also adjust to a new country for me and my son with a new language... anyway with the stress and all the things that takes time to adjust, we decided to break up after only 2 months of trying and after 2 years of being together. I went back in my country and he went back to the country he had been living for the last 15 years. Until the last moments we kept holding and kissing each others, because our love is so strong. I was devastated to leave and he was too to see me go... we had been waiting for so long to start a life and have a family. The problem now is that I cant stop thinking about him and I want him back in my life. We were everything for each others (best friends and all). Until very recently, he decided to change his attitude towards me... he became distant, colder... does not pick up my calls as he used to.. does not call me back for at least 8 hours... etc... we talked and he said that he still loves me fully but does not think that our life is a match. That he needs to listen to his reasons and not only his heart. And so it is over.. and that it is not the same anymore. That he can not be there for me like he used to. He says that maybe it is possible one day we will be back together again but right now he does not see it. I am completely desperate. I don't sleep at night. My heart and stomach is killing me. I am wondering if he will come back? He is very stubborn on his ideas and I am afraid that if one day he decides that he loves me and wants me that he actually will not do anything about it...i told him how much i love him and want to be with him.... but now I am so hurt with him ignoring my calls and all (even though I am not talking about us anymore) that i do not know what to do anymore... please help... will he come back? he says it will take him a long time before giving his love to someone new... i know he loves me i have no doubt about that, and we were the closest things together... but this last 2 months killed it all... and he does not believe about our relationship anymore... please tell me... what should i do? what should i think? we are both 35 years old
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Unfortunately this is going to be hard for you to hear, and I doubt you will believe me at first... but it's the truth:
What you are involved in is a classic example of what people call "The grass is always greener over there" relationship. It is very common for a person to fall in love with someone outside of their relationship or marriage. Especially when the marriage is rocky. They fall in love and convince themselves that the other person they are cheating with is THE person for them. That they are SO much better than what they have. Unfortunately, while you are in this secret relationship you are not doing the same things you'd do with your husband. You don't have to deal with finances, you don't have to live together, he doesn't have to see your child, etc. These are ALL things that are very important to make a relationship work. All you two were experiencing was the lust and desire of a secret relationship.
And, it is very common for these relationships to fail because quite honestly... you weren't in a real one to start with. Most times when you try actually having a real relationship you start to learn things about your partner that you never knew. Things you can only learn by living with them, sharing finances with them, or keeping them around your child.
What should you do? Honestly I think you should move on. It sounds like he already understands what I'm saying. It sounds like he feels that he loved the "you" that was married, not the current "you" that is not. It sounds like he prefers being the guy "on the side" as opposed to being the main man in your life.
I'm sorry to be so brutally honest to you, but this is what you need to understand.
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