A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Insight from my fellow Asian American ladies would be most helpful but insight from anyone would be great! I'm 21 and my mom is very overbearing. I mentioned my Asian American ethnicity because Asian parents often control their kids much more than traditional Americans. She is constantly bagging on my "useless" boyfriend and refuses to hear what I have to say about him. He is better than me, to say the least. He has a wonderful personality, is very smart, is an economics major and an excellent student, makes good money from stocks, and is goal-oriented. He even tutors me! But most of all, he truly cares for me, treats me with respect, and we are in a serious relationship. But she says he's "useless" because she thinks he will leave me for his Asian home country after graduation. He immigrated to America for university and has no definite plans on his future whereabouts, but we are fine with it and will figure things out when the time comes. But my mom hates that I'm not dating an American and says things like, "It's not like all American guys have died." I'm hurt that she's completely against our relationship, especially since she is the same ethnicity as my bf. Communication or cultural differences between them won't even be a problem!Because she hates our relationship so much, I rarely bring up the topic. Doing so will only make her lecture and yell at me, and I will cry. I hope that within time she will soften, and we can talk about our relationships openly. She is strongly opiniated which is fine, but she is hurtful which is not fine. I hope that one day we can communicate and understand one another. Of course, I want to introduce my wonderful bf to my mom one day.But even when I don't bring up the topic, she will find a way to bring it up and lecture me. When I told her I had a dream I went to Asia, she yelled at me about him. When I casually said I will be stuck in the library due to finals, she yelled at me for making excuses to spend time with him. She even said she will come see me in my university library to make sure I'm studying on my own! I'm sure she is the ONLY mom who would consider doing that to her 21-year-old college student. I was horrified and she said I'm untrustworthy if I don't want her to come. Of course I refused which resulted in more yelling. My current relationship is just some background info, as she will act this way toward ANY relationship she doesn't approve of. I can't stand it. I want a healthy relationship with both my mom and my bf, but I feel like I have to choose. Spending time with him will only result in yelling matches between my mom and I. I have cried a lot because of this and it's emotionally damaging. It needs to stop. I feel like other 21-year-olds don't have to put up with this. They don't need to ask to go out on the weekends or stay in the library after school to study. I feel like she's destroying what should be natural happiness to me. These are just a few things I have to and have had to put up with and its completely tiring. How can I get my mom to trust me more and give me more freedom? I need space, not her looking over my shoulder all the time. Saying that I'm way too old for this will just result in "my house, my rules." I'm definitely not capable of moving out (being kicked out) and becoming completely independent at the moment. My 18 y/o sister is starting to feel her overbearance as well. She actually became overprotective of me when I entered college--unusual.
View related questions:
money, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): Have you considered writing her a letter? Sometimes when my mum is being unreasonable and won't listen to me I write her a letter. I give it to her right before I go to school so she has the whole day to reflect upon it rationally and hopefully when I get back home she understands how I'm feeling a little better. Might not work, but it's always worth a shot. Your boyfriend sounds fantastic. Even if he does end up moving back to Asia you may as well enjoy the time you have with him.
Best of luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): If I was your Mother then if it was my daughter who had the kind of bf you've just described, I'll be extremely happy because those kind of guys are rare and I'm not sure many American men fit that bill, with all due respect. I mean, let's be honest. some countries are family oriented while other countries are more individual oriented. Divorce rates in countries like China and India are below 4% while in US its 50%. Some men are more monogamous and stick to their relationships better than any other men in the world so why the hell does she have the impression that this guy will forsake you for some stupid reason of going back to his country?I think your mom is the kind who is very proud of being an American and for some reason feels embarrassed to have an alternative background. I've seen people like that. If I were you, I'd use that simple reason to make her feel terribly bad for being racist towards her own ethnicity. The funny part is, she controls you the traditional way of her culture, but wants you to have an American bf. You think that'll ever work? I think its nonsense.I'm a dude from Asia, sorry for answering but I hope I've given you another perspective.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): Thanks! That's a great answer. Although him working with stocks is not a factor (she probably doesn't even remember) since it's not his goal career after college. But either way I guess I'll need to put up with my mom?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Your mom saw something that you can't forsee right now that you are in love. A lot of people do go back to Asia because job prospects is better. Stocks involves risks, up and downs. I have seen family friends got in trouble, getting in debt, going bankrupt because of stocks. It's not a stable career and she is just protecting your future. Although I don't like the yelling she is doing whatever she could to stop this relationship. She knows what she is doing and she certainly is not crazy. She is telling you, as long as you are living with me, you have to listen to me. Once you make your own money and are independent then you can do whatever you want.
...............................
|
