A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It seems that I destroied a new marriage and hurt the couple, however before that I was the one who suffers most.1.5yrs ago, I met my ex bf, at the 2nd meeting/dating, he told me that" I have a girl in Thailand, I have been with her ttaly for 6 weeks during the past 1.5 year in Thailand, everything happened, when Im with her, I feel happy, but when Im here(switzerland), I feel its totally different life" Actually I was already in love with him, and I thought it was just sth casual. Then we started to date each other.Soon both of us agreed it was a commited relationship.He also said very sweet things to me ie I love u, u are my girl, I want to build thing for life with you, However, I still suffered a lot due to his neglegance. So we broke up. then he went to thailand for 4weeks holiday as he had planed beofre final breakingup with me.Then 2 weeks after his holiday, the thaigirl came to Switzerland for 2 months, during Which they got married. Immediately, the story was clear, the whole relationship was his a huge lie, He loved the girl so much, he just stayed with me for passing the time or sex. I felt he was just rubbish, and disgusting.After hesitating for 1month and recalling how much i suffered during the whole relationship. I txt him that "clearly I deserve a sorry from you, u lied from the begining" But he kept saying he was honest to me, I gave him many times warning that "pls u should have a good attitude and confess u lied, owise i dont know what I will do, maybe even tell yr wife what u did" he reply was"u do whatever u want" One day the devil in my mind controlled me, I knocked his door when his wife was alone at home.....I was not jealous of the thai girl at all, because she was aware of nothing either. I just wanted to tell her what her husband did in the past 1 year in order to give him a lesson not to lie or abuse any girl in the future any more. Still the poor Thaigirl understood what happened during the past 1year...... To my surprise, he lied much more than I thought in our relationship. and his wife told me she was aware that he also had other girls...... and she was already kind of disappointed by his behavior in marriage. I was just the biggest unexpected shock for her. She was sad, but she thanked me for telling her what happened after all she lived with this guy for 4months only. As everyone can imagine, he critisized me that i ruined his marriage! This guy is a big lier and manipulated my love, but after all he was not an evil person,n he loves his wife. Meanwhile his wife is now also deeply hurt. She is the most innocent one in this story, she quit her job in Thailand, and came to get married happily. n finally realize who her husband is. Sometimes I feel he deserves it, and there are problems already in this marriage. but sometimes I feel deeply in guilty. Did I really distroyed a couple????:-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): I understand that it hurts to be lied to, betrayed, lead along by a what appears to be a self motivated, selfish, lying Serial Cheater.Serial Cheats are VERY good at picking their prey/victims. They know what to say to even have the woman feel they are the only woman in the universe.So I can see how you would feel so hurt and wounded and ashamed by this deceitful man - that you would want to hurt the one who hurt you; especially one you loved and trusted. To the point that rational thought is a blockade to your desire to hurt the one who hurt you. Its a very base human emotion and reaction to such a situation.If I were the newly married woman, I would want to KNOW the TRUTH of things that my newly married Husband had just committed and promised to me, in vows, that he would love and honour me and our marriage. So he is accountable of his actions while we were working towards a marriage and with this; he should darn well know to be faithful, respectful, and not have dishounoured our love and relationship by puttings his lustful needs first.I would not want to love and honour such a Man. Such a man would not be worthy of my love and having a life with me.So even though the intent of your hurt and anger caused another undue harm; the man is just as guilty.What is done is done.Time to let the douchebag go and work to learn from this- do not date or share intimacies with a man that has admitted to being involved with another.Live Honestly and with this; very little drama and trauma will come into your life. NOt saying it will be stress free or perfect, but having such standards prevents you from such ugly messes as this one.Forgive.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 Bah... what's the point of an apology that has to be exorted by the use of scare tacticts and intimidation ?
He clearly did not want to apologize, did not feel guilty,did not give a damn about you and what you felt about the matter.
Suppose that he had been more of a wuss, and he had yielded to your pressure in order to avoid trouble at home, and given you the apology that you demanded, this would have been totally unfelt and insincere. It would have had the same value of a love declaration... extorted at gun point.
Would that have been enough to medicate your wounded pride ? a fake apology offered out of convenience ? ...
Yes ? then you must be a person who's content with very little...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 you destroyed your own dignity when you took up with a married man.
it's HIS marriage and YOU have no place in the middle of it in any way shape or form.
THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR IS YOURSELF.
you made the CHOICE to have an affair with a married man
you made the choice to disrespect yourself
YOU have to deal with this. IN NO WAY will I EVER condone what you did as right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMs So Very Confused, thanks for your reply. I didn't want to hurt him. What was on my mind was to defend for my dignity. I don't enjoy hurting him, but I can't stand being disrespected. That's why I demanded his apology first instead of going to his home directly. If I wanted to hurt back, I should have gone to his home firstly..... don't you think so? Or there is sth on my mind that I'm not aware of?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2013):
OP it's NOT your place to give him punishment.
You are not the judge and jury.
he hurt you and you want to hurt him plain and simple.
you just use the ideas that he deserves punishment and his wife needed to know to make yourself feel better about telling her. And see she already knew and she opts to look the other way....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank all of you for your time and reply. And I would like to reply to 1st anonymous lady from the bottom: I believe you misunderstood me, actually I left the guy 4 months before he got married. It was until he got married when I realized it was a huge/disgusting lie which shows he is such an ass hole. 2nd from the bottom(anonymous male): thank you for your long comments in which I feel a bit emotional, did you or your friend have similar experience? I would like to clarify following points1st, I didn't want to interfere his marriage at all, I was ready to disappear. But because he lied to me, he disrespected me, it is his least morality to say sorry to me. But he insisted he was honest to me. After I gave him alert for a few times, he still provoked me by saying "you do whatever you want" Don't you think it's a further disrespect? Don't you think he deserves a lesson? Don't you think maybe its also fair for his wife to know how lowlife and rubbish he is? Without prejudice, she doesn't really know him, they got married so quickly just because she cant stay in Switzerland without getting married.2nd. As I said, I never wanted to hurt his wife on purpose, let alone jealous. Hurting is inevitable for her if she wants to know more about her husband. And to my surprise, she was already aware of others girls whom I was not aware, I'm just the only vivid example. He lied to both of the girls. 3rd. I was in love, but was not desperate, he never gave me the feeling that he was lying or committed somewhere else. Because I left my clothes at his home, I met his friends, his parents were aware of me, we went to IKEA to choose furniture.... He kept saying about the nice future..... I just thought he didn't love me enough, and we didn't match. I loved him, I suffered so much, but I still left him. Even though, I still wished the best for his marriage. His insisting of his honesty in the end was the last drop4th, to some extent you are right, I shouldn't have tolerated him for such long time, I should have dumped him way earlier, and indeed its a lesson for me. 5th, The only reason I did all this was because I wanted to give him a lesson for his unacceptable disrespect and cheating. He deserve to have problems... It was totally irrelevant to his wife. I hope you can rethink about my explanation and tell me if you still remain same thought. Thanks a lot
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2013):
he destroyed it... you just were a catalyst.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Some will say you did his wife a favour others would say that you ruined a marriage to get satifaction/revenge.Personally I would prefer to be told as the marriage built on lies will collapse its just a matter of time!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): "Did I really distroyed a couple????:-("No, you just further victimized, punished, and hurt an innocent third-party who did nothing to deserve such thoughtless, cruel treatment at your hands. She isn't the one who strung you along, telling you what you wanted to hear over and over, lying to your face while crawling into bed with other women behind your back. HE is. She isn't the one who kept believing the same lies over and over despite compelling evidence to the contrary, who kept expecting him to magically change into something resembling a decent human being, who kept demanding an explanation and apology when none was forthcoming for abhorrent behavior that warrants neither, who lacked the self-respect to walk away with pride and dignity intact. YOU are. Not your place to interfere in someone else's marriage, no matter how big a scumbag he may be. You simply should have realized you were played for a fool by allowing a charming manipulator to bypass your brains and backbone by shamelessly playing to your ego and vanity, cut your losses by dumping him, and learned your lesson. You obviously haven't. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. He may be a scumbag, but you can't stand the thought of any other woman sharing his bed in your place because you think you're so much better than her. THAT'S why you felt compelled to rat out ex to his wife, you wanted to bring her down to your level as yet another discarded piece on the side.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): He destroyed his own marriage by being a cheater.You also helped destroy the marriage, but it wasn't by informing the wife, but by participating in the cheating on her with him.So, yes, you are guilty of destroying the marriage. But it wasn't by revealing to her the information. It was by sleeping with him when he was married to her.
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