A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 and currently living abroad. I'm currently seeing a guy that is also residing in the same country. We are both leaving in 3 months. However, we've began to get to know each other and gone on a few dates for the past couple of months. I met this guy through a mutual friend when I first came to Korea. We were never really friends, but every time we bump into each other, the next day he would message me on facebook suggesting we should hang out. I never made anything of it, because I knew our mutual friend liked him. A couple of months ago, I bumped into him at a local bar and we spend a good couple of hours chatting away. He asked for my number, before we left the bar. He walked me to get a cab and we spontaneously gave each other a kiss goodnight. After I got in the cab and left, I got a text from him thanking me for the goodnight kiss and saying that he enjoyed chatting with me and suggesting we should hang out. We did. For the first couple of dates, it was wonderful. He smiled throughout the whole date and was a perfect gentleman. On our first day, he even asked to walk me home. After our dates, he would text to let me know he enjoyed the date. And he never complained about traveling to see me (depending on when the bus or subway comes, it takes about 45 mins - 1 hours to get to my apartment). On our third date, I invited him over for dinner. He was really thrilled with dinner and and kept thanking me for doing it and even offered to do the dishes. After dinner, we watched a movie and made out. I told him in the middle of it, that I didn't want to rush into anything. He told me that it was fine, and he would give me as much time as I needed. He spent the night, we just cuddled. Morning came, and we did some more making out and things just got really out of hand, and we ended up having sex...kind of. He pulled a one-minute man. After "sex", he made sure he didn't push me into having sex with me. I told him it was partially my fault. After that night his texts are a lot less frequent but still after 3 days, he'd text me, after I text him first. I decided to slow things down, so for the next couple of dates we only went for coffee and do lunch.The last date we had, we went out for dinner and went back to my place for a movie. Everything was great. We ended up having actual sex for the first time. After sex, he called me "gorgeous" and this is the first physical compliment he ever given me. We cuddled a bit and went to sleep. Unlike the last time when he spent the night, we didn't cuddle this time, he may have wanted to, but I think I pulled away a bit. I didn't want to get too attached. In the morning, he got up and just got dressed a left. We had maybe a couple minutes of small talk. He said he had to go update his CV/resume. To me it was almost kind of cold that he left so abruptly. And I felt used--and I still do. Well, since then he hasn't contacted me. I, again, contacted him (but never to ask him out). We exchanged a couple of texts. And I haven't heard anything from him since. I don't know what I should do. I like this guy. I was for sure thought he liked me to. I want to talk to him. But, I don't want him to think I'm needy or over analyzing the situation. I know we have only a short amount of time left, but I would like to spend that creating great memories, and I want him to be part of it also. I don't understand why he's pulling away. What do you guys make of this situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): I'm inclined to think that this guy really likes you but just doesn't want to rush you or seem too pushy. But this is just speculation. Perhaps you should confront him. And definitely let him know that him leaving so abruptly makes you feel cheap. That's never a good feeling.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2012):
 One additional piece of advice. Don't get sexual with a guy until you know what you are getting into. Letting things just happen without an understanding of what it means doesn't sound like a good idea for you, as you feel 'used' if he up and leaves abruptly. It's my understanding that many men don't have much left after sex and just want to curl up and go to sleep. They leave so that they don't have to spend a lot of time talking about things.
In the shoulda, woulda, coulda analysis of the situation, I would have had a very clear conversation with the guy before any more making out. "Hey, Jon, it's pretty obvious I'm attracted to you but I don't want to go any further without an understanding of what we may be leading into." Then you tell him what you want/expect/hope for and he tells you. Unless he's a liar and a player, I think guys tend to tell the truth. It may not be the truth you want to hear, but a good guy will let you know where you stand, if asked. Most don't volunteer. I think many of them do hope for sex without strings and if it's offered, they will take it. You offered, he obliged but as you hadn't had 'the talk,' there was no expectation on him to divulge his feelings. This is why you are where you are.
So, go be brave, and next time, be very clear about what YOU want. Don't get into a situation where you don't know what's going to happen next, if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Take charge of your own romance, basically. I know, it's not as much fun as being swept off your feet but it's better than having the rug pulled out from under you. Ha.
Be your own advocate, girl, be brave!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2012):
We have no way of knowing what's going on inside his head. We can speculate, such as: he's afraid of creating an expectation that you two are an official couple. He has a girlfriend elsewhere and doesn't want to tell you. He's not as into you as you are into him, he knows this and is distancing. He was in it just to get a one night stand. He's withdrawing because he knows there's no future in the relationship. There's a cultural more that you aren't aware of and has now altered his perception of you.
The point is that we could guess all day but that won't give you an answer.
I think you have a choice to make. Be brave and ASK him. Be 'safe' and wait for him to contact you. What do you have to lose, at this point? You've been as intimate as a man and woman can be, why not simply tell him what you've told us? "I know we have only a short amount of time left, and I would like to spend it making some great memories. I like you and want to spend more time with you before we have to separate forever." ASK him. Woman up. Be brave!
The best that happens is he realizes, 'oh yeah, she's right, and she's not expecting a ring, so let's hang out!' Or, less desirable outcome, he tells you, 'this was too much too soon and I'm a bit freaked out by it. I don't want to lead you on so I did the cowardly thing and ran for the hills. Bye!' Either way, you will know where you are AND you'll know you did what you could to reach a good conclusion to the relationship. You'll be able to live with yourself and you won't look back with regret.
Go be brave.
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