A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend has feelings for a coworker and it's making me feel really insecure.We've lived together for 2.5 years now and talk about getting married. We have an odd relationship because we have very little in common. This coworker is like a CLONE of him. They like all of the same things and do all of the same things (not together). Everything he wishes I would do but don't, she does. Everything he wishes I found interesting but don't, she does. She is moderately attractive as well, but I think I'm slightly better looking.Anyways, I asked him "do you find her attractive?" he responded, "yeah, I think so." So I asked, if we weren't together, would you want to date her? And he said "yes if we were't together I would ask her out." But then went on to say he loved me, not her, and I was the one, etc... etc... Anyways, it's just eating me up inside. He won't distance himself from her at all, he eats lunch with her daily and got really upset when I suggested maybe he should eat lunch with his other work friends instead. What can I do to feel better?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt affects me because he is interested in someone at work who is also interested in him and he is continuing to get closer and closer to her.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 December 2012):
 So the fact that they flirt, eat lunch and have sexual tension but he does nothing about it bothers you?
How does this impact on your home life? Is he distant from you, non-sexual with you? snappy with you? talking about her 24/7? How does his friend at work impact you at home?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is single and according to him flirts with him a lot at work. I disagree this is a work wife situation. I'm very familiar with the situation and it doesn't work if there is sexual tension under it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2012):
Kudos to him for telling you the truth.
He has what I lovingly call "a work wife" His best opposite sex co-worker. I have had my share, they in no way threaten my relationship or my home.
I can find someone attractive and admit that if things were different I'd date them and NOT diminish what I feel for my husband.
If you feel so insecure about it, why in the world would you want to make it worse by asking him if he would date her? KUDOS to him, he DID NOT LIE TO YOU!
Personally, I think you are over-reacting. Is she single? Is she partnered? Perhaps if she is partnered you could invite her and her partner over for dinner one night and some gaming or something to get to know her better.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 December 2012):
 OP: YOU'RE the one who wrote: it's "eating me up inside..." and, "What can I do to feel better?"....
All that fluff in your second note to me "sounds" like the validation that YOU'D like to have for his boorish behaviour.
Believe me... a guy who loves - and wants to spend a lifetime with - a girl, DOESN'T behave as you described your "boyfriend's" behaviour.....
We guys find it terrible easy to "talk the talk".... and we enjoy the FRUITS of "talking the talk" (we get to be intimate with a woman).... whilest we, sometimes, get a "Free Pass" and don't - ultimately - have to "walk the walk" (i.e. We don't really have to marry the girl, after all!!!!!).....
You've described YOUR version of this complex behaviour, but you seem to not want to look at the matter (YOUR matter!!!) dispassionately.
I could care less if your B/F is unfaithful to you.. but I expect that it's a "big thing" to YOU!!!!
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 December 2012):
It just sounds like self esteem issues. He says he loves you and wants to be with you and as a guy, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt because he isn't doing anything wrong. He is allowed to have female friends I am sure. If this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with you will have to learn to deal with situations like this because this is what life will throw at you. It helps when you do no assume the worst and trust the relationship the two of you have. There are no promises of course. Shouldn't you have way more trust after fours years of a relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually don't understand what you are saying in your original answer. Why don't I have reason to believe he wants to be with me? He wants to marry me, we visit his grandparents, have amazing chemistry, and agree on the big things in life (kids, religion, politics, etc...) we just like different hobbies and day to day activities. Most of the time it's good because it adds variety, sometimes it causes issues.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 December 2012):
You can "nit-pick" the details all you wish. The crux of my submittal STILL applies.....
I get the impression that you'd LIKE to get a DIFFERENT "reply".....
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"My "B/F" of 2-1/2 years.... who I moved in with, despite having not a bit of reason to believe that he would be true to me"
I didn't write the title, we've been together for 4 years and were together 1.5 years before moving in together. We've been living together 2.5 years, but dating for 4.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 December 2012):
May I re-state what I THINK you've written:
"My "B/F" of 2-1/2 years.... who I moved in with, despite having not a bit of reason to believe that he would be true to me.... has found a woman with whom he has just about EVERY compatibility, with her, that he DOESN'T have with me.... NOW, I am concerned that he will take up with her... and enjoy the fruits of almost-complete compatibility.... whilest I stand to be the "third party" out, twisting in a cold wind.... and I'm uncomfortable about that. Please, tell me why I shouldn't be concerned about the likelihood that I stand to be dumped soon...."
Have I got that correct????
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 December 2012):
I'd say you just have to trust him. He may be attracted to her but you can't make him feel like he's guilty for being human. I've been friends with women who I would have totally dated if I wasn't married, but I AM married so it's just not an option for me, as I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my relationship- a little bit of sex is not worth losing my wife and I'm sure he feels the same about you. That doesn't mean I can't find them attractive and enjoy their company in a friendly way.Obviously you have to draw the line somewhere, but going out to lunch isn't it.Remember that he was honest with you about her. Give him credit for that; it's important to trust the man you want to marry. Have faith in YOUR ability to chose a good man! If, heaven forbid, he starts to show signs of being unfaithful it's better to find out now than after you're married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012):
I would feel insecure if my hubby was having lunch with a girl he openly admitted to fancying ..
Tell him, she is not a friend, we do not want to date or sleep with friends..
So either he has lunch with other friends or you reconsider your relationship.. He would not like it, if you were chatting and flirting with some guy you would be with, if he wasn't in the picture.. So why should he get too..
Time to stand your ground sweetie, ..
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female
reader, IamJess  +, writes (16 December 2012):
 I think that just because they have a lot of things in common doesn't mean he would prefer to be with her instead of you, that was if you was not around, and you are, and they do say that opposites attract more then when they have too much in common.
I'd wait for more signs before jumping to conclusions, like if they have phone calls, or dinner outside of work stuff like that and if they text a lot... It may just be slight attraction but if he said you're the one you gotta believe it.
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