A
male
age
36-40,
*etalmikey
writes:I am a gay 29 year old man. I have been seeing a 32 year old guy since early 2015. When we met I did not know his sexuality, but we clicked, and in no time we developed a sexual relationship. This man has never said he is gay, but we spend a lot of time together, buy eachother gifts and so fourth.There have been many ups and downs to our 'relationship'. He often says he is straight, sometimes bi and usually says he is not gay. He has a lot of anger issues and has lashed out at me at times he felt his cover would be blown.Recently we have fell out. A woman he used to be obsessed with prior before meeting me has came back onto the scene. She is not remotely interested in him. He met up with her in secret but told me eventually.Shortly after he said I am not gay, I feel nothing for you, I cannot have you going on loving me, being jealous, we are just friends, we will never have sex again etc. He has said things like this before. I believe he is in love with the idea of the 'normal' straight life. Recently I stumbled onto 'internalised homophobia' it is sounds exactly like him.The question I ask, is soon as he's calmed down and talks to me again, how can I address this without him getting angry. I care for him so much and just wish he could accept himself and let me love him.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (22 November 2017):
 I think you are asking the wrong question. What you SHOULD be asking (IMHO) is "How can I get over this guy and let him live his own life as he sees fit?"
Just because you are obsessed with him does not give you the right to tell him how he should run his life (i.e. to fit in with you). Respect the fact he is an adult and capable of making his own decisions, regardless of how YOU may view them. It is not your right to tell him how he should be living or thinking.
He has not asked for your "help". This really is a prime case of "physician, heal THYSELF". I understand you love the guy but we can't always have what we want and part of being an adult is knowing when you are on a hiding to nothing and drawing a line under what causes us pain and moving on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Like most of us gay men, he has to come to terms with his sexual-orientation. In his own time.
Many of us have inner-conflict due to religion, family-issues, and some have a problem with self-loathing. Gay culture isn't always welcoming, and it also has a terrible downside. Gays aren't always very nice to each other.
To site some examples. Fems vs butch, young vs older, and some prefer only "straight-acting" or "straight-looking" men. The remarks you find in gay profiles are shocking!
"No blacks or Asians!" "No fatties or old-guys!" Makes you want to turn-in your gay-card, if not vomit.
Promiscuity and narcissism aren't just stereotypes. They're prominent elements of gay-culture. Sometimes you can't blame folks for slamming their closet door shut! People actually still have random-sex without condoms, not everyone is on PrEP (aka Truvada.) The drug doesn't protect you from gonorrhea, syphilis, Hepatitis B or C; or genital herpes!
We don't all have to be active participants in waving the rainbow-flag; but there is no sense in being in denial. You are who you are. If you're male, and attracted to men sexually, you are homosexual. Bisexuality allows for sexual-attraction towards women. It does not eliminate the gay-factor. You still like boys!
It would be more accurate for your friend to say: "I'm not feeling gay today!" Well, it's implied if not said in so many words! He prefers the "switch-hitter" approach. So be it! He puts up the sign: "We have no bananas today!"
Those of us who have embraced our true-nature might get a little self-righteous and want to go-off on "closet-cases." It's unfair, and hypocritical; due to the fact many of us did not have an easy journey to live openly gay.
Forcing someone out against their will, is as bad as forcing someone into the closet. The operative-word is "will." Freedom of choice. If he chooses to deny he is gay, it is his right. Like it or not!
Many still struggle; because they have to suppress who they are in order to maintain family-connections; or to protect their chosen careers. Many don't want to be ostracized by fundamentalist religious-zealots. There are life-threatening situations; where fathers actually threaten to kill their sons if they're gay! In some countries, gays are attacked and killed by mobs! It is sanctioned by religion, and the government/law-enforcement looks the other-way. Even the police attack gay-people, and create false-charges. Not as bad now, but not that much better either!
We aren't necessarily talking about some backwards third-world nation here either! It could be Joe down the block! In some neighborhoods, it's dangerous to flaunt your gay-stuff! I give it to drag-queens. They've got balls! Tucked, but they're huge!
BTW! I'm not coming down on religion; I am a Christian. I prefer to be judged by God. There isn't one human being on the planet that can send anyone to heaven or hell. Not one can read God's mind. Let alone take it upon themselves to punish on His behalf.
Some cherry-pick scripture and select what they consider more serious sins; and set-out to discriminate based on their beliefs. That keeps many gay men hiding to avoid public humiliation, or being rejected by their families.
Your friend knows who he is inside. He can deny it if he wishes. In fact, it is his right to decide whether to be closeted or openly-gay.
It angers me that some feel they have a right to shove people "out;" regardless of what consequences those people have to face. I don't go for that. Let people come out when they're good and ready. When they are psychologically-prepared to deal with their decision to live openly-gay. Which doesn't mean they have to practice gay-sex. They can be celibate if they wish. I was celibate a whole year after my partner passed-away. I have both straight and gay-friends. Love them to death! They don't tell me what to do!
Your friend may have experimented, and decided he would rather suppress those feelings. Maybe jury's still out! These feelings may be more than he is psychologically capable of handling long-term. Given time, he may accept that part of himself. If he can't, who are you to judge?
There are men who have lived complete and happy lives as straight-men; and never had sex with a man again. Who has any right to say that is wrong? Nobody tells me how I should live, or who I should have sex with. That's MY choice.
Your friend dabbled, and decided it's not for him. He "scratches the itch" when necessary; but he doesn't want to live as openly-gay. He doesn't like the labels. So let him be.
Live your life to please yourself. Let him do the same.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 November 2017):
 You can't "make" him want to be gay. No matter how much sense it makes to YOU that he is suffering from " internalized homophobia".
If HE is saying things like I am not gay - it might be him trying to convince himself (and you) that being gay is NOT what he wants. He wants "normalcy" (and for him that is a man and a woman). Could it be that he is in denial? Sure. But here is the kicker, OP it doesn't MATTER. It's HIS denial. HIS life. HIS choice.
What you OUGHT to do is LISTEN to him, wish him well and CUT all contact. Don't let him USE you for male attention and occasionally sex that you KNOW he will regret afterward.
Find yourself a guy who is OK with who he is, who is OK with his sexuality and OK with being with you. who will be PROUD to love you and show you off.
You are wasting your time and emotions on a guy who isn't available.
You want something he can not (or will not) give.
Time to LET go and MOVE on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2017):
 It seems that you assume that , if he came to identify himself as gay, or to accept fully his bisexuality/ bi-curiosity - then automatically he'd want to live his newfound gay orientation in the context of a loving relationship with you. Why do you assume that ?
Sorry but it does not sound authomatic. Not even very probable, tbh. Seen the premises. The ups and downs, the lashing out , your insistence, his pulling back etc....Uhm. Anytime one has to say " I want him / her to let me love him / her " I smell big trouble ahead. "Let " you love him ? You can't ( and you should not try to ) shove your love down the other person 's throat " because it's good for him ". He is not your toddler who needs to eat up his veggies as you ,daddy, know best. Love is free, and it's free-flowing, both ways. If you need to pester, convince, cajole a person into letting you love him / her- 99% of the times it's a doomed thing and you might as well save yourself the hassle.
Said a bit more brutally, ( pardon me ) maybe this guy is not embracing his true exual orientation... but more probably,- he's just not that into you. Not as a love object.
You also have to consider that there are zillions of straight ( ok, in practice bisexual ) guys ( and girls ) who love " experimenting " or " exploring the possibilities " or " taking a walk on the wild side ", just for fun, curiosity, lust , whatever- but would never dream of being in a long term, official gay relationship, and that not out of homophobia , just because a gay relationship does not fit with their life full time, and does not totally coincide with their wants and needs, but ir does just occasionally and partially.
It's a bit like , say, Cali ladies having a discreet, on the downlow dalliance with those young hunky cabana boys - to whom of course they not aspire to be engaged. They are not being youngophobic or cabanaboyphobic; it's just that some things are intriguing, but temporary experiences , fascinating passtimes.... but real life and real relationships are to be found totally somewhere else.
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