A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I'm dating a jerk - but maybe it's just me?We go to dinner on the one year anniversary of our first date (not the one year anniversary of the relationship) and he asks me to split it with him because he lost his ATM card and didn't have a lot of cash. That was 3 nights ago. Then last night, we grab dinner and the bill is $30. I throw in $20 without being asked and he puts in $10. I say "um you're going to need to put in more?" and he says "no, you had more. You need to put in more. I need to conserve cash. HUGH turn off. Then tonight he Just decided to go to a concert with his friend and I wasnt invited. So of course I ask "did you get your new ATM card?" and he says "no cashed a check"So clearly I feel taken for granted here. Won't take me on a proper date but cashes a check to go drink with his friend at the show. Now in fairness he HAS paid for a lot of stuff over the year. Even taking me out of the country for a few days on vacation. So - what do you all think?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 November 2013):
 Good for you.
Did you by chance notice that his apology was tied in with putting the "blame" on you? You fault he did what he did?
Sounds like he still don't get it and perhaps never will (not at his age) I don't believe in the old dog new tricks thing when it comes to humans.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has now called to apologize. Left a vmail saying he was "immature". I called back and got his vmail. Told him if he feels like I'm "putting him in a cage and he needs to be free" then go be free. I deserve better, I said , then to be fighting to keep someone who will literally run away from me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 November 2013):
Wow he really doesn't sound like a keeper. More like an immature bugger.
He seriously ran off laughing because you tried to look out for him?
I agree with Auntie Em, look like he is acting like an asshat so that YOU will be the one breaking up with him.
Unless you are "over" him and the relationship I would also take a big step back and see how YOU feel in a week or two. I would still talk, but not spend time together. If he doesn't put an effort in what so ever, you know where you stand.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 November 2013):
 He is acting like he wants out of the relationship...or some serious time off at least!
I think if this were happening to me, I'd back right off and give him space and also myself too. Crazy shit is happening because the relationship is under duress (for various reasons)...let the dust settle for a few weeks and see what happens and if things keep going off kilter, perhaps you are not right for eachother in the long run.
Isn't life complicated? :-S
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have taken your advice and been paying for more things. Last night I took him to the movies and for drinks after. We got into a heated discussion about politics and religion. He had about 6 glasses of wine at this point and "switched on me" because I wasn't agreeing with him. Said he wanted to go for a walk. (translation - go home) I told him to leave me his keys. He told me to stop trying to "put him in a cage". I said I wasnt but I didn't want him to drive drunk. He said he wasn't drunk (which I knew wasn't true) Then he just took off and ran down the block. I yelled after him and started to run to catch up with him. He kept laughing and I stopped running. Furious. I then saw him speed past me in his car. Driving drunk. Leaving me on the street. He sent me a text to apologize today. Not sure what to do. Feeling like I deserve better and this man (who at 45) goes running down the block laughing to leave - is not husband and father material.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2013):
 None of my business, that's for sure, yet I can't help but wonder : if he is low on funds, and you are ow on funds- why do you even go dining out ? stay home, and you will spare both money and the chance of these unpleasant arguments that tend to come out when people are broke.
Anyway, I tend to see lit like Honeypie too. At the beginning of the post, I was promptòly bristling and mumbling " yeah, the guy is a moocher " - but the end totally changed my mind.
If in a whole year he's always been generous, has always, or often ,treated you on dates , and even has paid for your holidays- you can't bite his nose off the first time that he can't afford , or just does not want, to do that. He did not exactly sign a contract to spoil you all the time, he'll do it when he can and wants , which ,apparently, is quite often, and occasionally he will need / want you to chip in , which is perfectly normal.
Sure ,he was not very elegant in wanting to make you pay for exactly what you had eaten , to the cent- but I guess it came out from sheer frustration, at your not being able to take a hint ( you knew that he is sort of broke right now ) and / or your never offering to treat him / split the bill so far, and making him feel taken for granted.
As for not wanting to go live together, there may be other reasons, ( like that after just one year is sort of early ? ) but , as the other ladies suggetsed, I would not be surprised the money factor is involved too. If, for instance, you assume, or demand, that groceries would be entirely on him,... I am not surprised that he is reluctant.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 October 2013):
I am with Honeypie on this one...Excellent answer girl!!!!
Im not sure what the big deal is, a lot of women split the dating bill, and so they should...we are in tough financial times. If a guy insists or treats you to a spacial date where he pays then it's a lovely gesture but you should not set it as a benchmark on which to base all your dating.
I also agree that he probably doesn't want you to move in because your finances are not so great and he probably doesn't want to be responsible for partly keeping you!
Dating someone who constantly judges you by the amount of money you spend on them is very tiring and it gets old real quick.
If you want to go on dates, agree to pay half...then it's fair and nobody gets taken for granted.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 October 2013):
My first reaction was, why didn't you pay the bill? It was $30 dinner not a $250. Either of you could have treated the other.
Did you know before going out that he lost his card? Or did he spring it on you when the check shows up?
Was this the first time he asked you to pay? If it was I think YOU are the petty one, honestly. Nit picking about $5.
If this is the first time he has ever asked you to chip in, I think YOU are the one being a "jerk" here. If he lost his ATM and was low on cash funds, it could be he hadn't had the chance to cash a check to take you out.
How well do you know his financial situation?
My guess is he want to contribute more. HE FEELS taken for granted when it comes to the bill. YOU expect him to fork out the money every time.
If he was making very little money, would you want him to move in and live of your income?
If you don't have much money to do stuff, well then figure out cheaper dates. Cook at home every now and then. Even if it is a picnic in the living room. Find free stuff to do & see. (if you live near enough a city that offers various cultural things you both like)
You not having as big of an income doesn't mean he HAS to pay for it all, does it?
I would say for the most part, I'm rather old fashioned, but I was raised to always OFFER to chip in (and be prepared to do so if told yes). Going out on a date is not about who pays. It's about spending time with your SO in different environments and enjoying time together. Not having to cook and do dishes, ambiance of a place, and of course it's somewhat of a ritual for most.
You need to talk to him. Tell him what you expect from him and ask him what he expect from you. You two are obviously not on the same page.
His money is his. If he wants to spend some going to a concert with a friend, why can't he?
Sorry, if we are to take sides, I'm with your BF. YOU are taking HIM for granted.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (24 October 2013):
Maybe you should ask him about it. Because it sounds like he's being a little petty, especially with the "you had more."
My only guess is that he may be acting that way because he has paid a lot over the year like you said, and maybe if you NEVER offer to chip in on the bill, he's annoyed by it now and is making you pay your part.
I'm not sure what you mean by him not taking you on a proper date? Because he didn't pay the whole bill? Or has he never taken you on a proper date? If this is just two occurrences over the year since you started dating, then it might just be you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess what also bothers me here is how guys go out of their way to "woo" you in the beginning and then once they have you - treat you like you dont matter He knows I have been struggling with finances. He has very few monthly expenses. I brought up changing my living situation / moving in and he balked a few months ago. (at that point saying it hadn't been a year and was too early to discuss. )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): I think he is very calculative, acting actually cheap. Even if I go out with friends we never have conversations like that. Sometimes I pay , and then they pay. Money is a touchy subject, but heis acting like he is making a point for you to pay. Iodine what is the story is with you guys, but it's a hostile situation right now from both sides.
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