A
female
age
51-59,
*ewMe
writes:I suspect that my spouse cheated before we got married. We've only been married a little over a year but shortly after we got married there was some references made towards him cheating, he was very secretive about his cell phone and calls. I went on a trip to NY and he was supposed to work and found out accidentally that he lied and did not go to work. He somewhat finally just admitted that he probably didn't work that weekend so I asked what he was doing and we was very vague. My question is how do you find out the truth when it's been over a year and you can't get information from his cell phone or from his job? I'm desperate to know the truth!!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): Well you probably should have confronted this before you got married. It gets a bit more complicated after you're married.But nonetheless, if he DID cheat then that is a huge problem. Chances are, if he cheats once and manages to get away with it, he will try it again later.If you confront him about it, act hurt rather than angry. Show him that you are hurt and confused but do not attack him or call him names. Stay calm and mature and express yourself clearly (maybe write it down before hand so that you don't end up yelling or something). The more mature you act about it, the more likely it is that he will confess. If you go at him loudly and angrily, he will get defensive and deny deny deny. If you make it a comfortable environment for him to confess, then he will be more likely to. I agree with the person who says that you must not waver. If you truly think that he is cheating or has cheated in the past, you must be true to that. If you don't deal with it now, it will damage the relationship until the relationship falls apart.Some may say that because you werent married, it isn't important but it is. It reflects his character, it reflects hugely on the solidarity of your bond with him and the strength of your relationship. Just because you weren't married, it does not mean that you weren't committed. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, you must make sure that they are capable or willing to be monogamous as well. If he cannot then you will have to reassess things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): Well I know the best way to find out the truth (and I know because I have done it and it works). First of all, you can't waver. Like one day be suspicious and the next day everything is fine. That is a big mistake. So what you have to do is tell him that you KNOW he cheated on you and that you can't believe he lied to you. Tell him that you have never lied to him and that you have always and would always be honest with him. And keep putting him on a guilt trip about how he is lying to you and how you can't believe that he would lie to you. Keep stressing the honesty thing. And DO NOT let go of the issue till he admits it. Tell him that you KNOW something happened. Tell him you are not stupid. You weren't born yesterday. And keep stressing how you can't believe that he would lie to you. And everytime he denies it DON'T act like you believe his denial. Instead act like you know he is lying.If you stick by your guns and stick by your suspision and he knows this (don't back down. Tell him that you know) he is going to eventually admit it. But if you back down and are like "ok maybe he didn't" and then go out to dinner and have sex with him only to bring it up again a week later, forget about it. If you do that you are never going to get the truth. You CANNOT waver. You have to stick by what you believe and not back down till he admits it. And everytime he denies it just shake your head in disbelief that he is capable of lying to you right to your face. This applies to anything in life. Don't ever waver. Stick by your guns. Be strong. However, the only problem I see here is that you waited so long to bring this up. Why is it bothering you now?? What you should have done was what I just told you to do right when you found out about it. Since it has been such a long time what I would do if I were you is act like you just found some piece of evidence that he cheated. Act like you found something that gives you the right to bring this up and be suspisious. And then follow the steps above with diligence and certainty and don't back down.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Hi,
If you did find out, what action would you take?. What good would it do?. Wont it destroy the trust that you have, and make you wonder what he is doing all the time. I am not saying that its not important, but you could destroy what you have now.
Its the past and you wasnt married. I doubt he will ever confess anyway. Dont let your mind run away with something that may not have happened.
XX
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 At the moment, your mind is running in circles and this will consume you. If you can't let it go, demand to know why he lied. You have to give him an ultimatum when you do it. you also have to catch him by surprise. If you give him an opportunity to get his ducks in a row, he'll make up an excuse. Unless he confesses, you'll never really know.
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A
female
reader, heartbrokenxx +, writes (5 October 2007):
 well, u have all the signals there that he lied(bad) and why would he liee about something that wouldn't hurt u? u can ask his friends, or trust ur instincts.
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