A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was supposed to go on a date with this absolutely amazing guy and I told him I couldn't make it... This was only because I suffer from anxiety issues and the thought of going on a dare with him prettified me. I know I'm always ok once I'm on the date but the fear overtook everything. So we rearranged for the following day and I did the same again to him, he was obviously completely p*'d off and now he's refusing to talk to me saying he has lost faith in me. I'm so annoyed with myself because I really wanted to get to know him but I'm sure he feels that I wasn't interested in the first place. I can understand him being annoyed I would be exactly the same if someone had done that to me two nights in a row. What can I do from here? Should I leave him a few days and call him? Or will he not be able to trust what I say anymore? Someone help please xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 January 2014):
 Before you contact him again you should figure out what you're hoping to accomplish. That will help you decide if and how you should proceed.
He may accept your explanation and it may soothe his anger but what would change? As far as he's concerned, you're still unreliable. I'm not saying don't contact him, just that you should have a better idea of what you hope to achieve.
Something that might help you with future dates (with him or someone else) is to focus on the other person and how a rejection might affect them instead of obsessing over how you feel.
Anxiety is a form of narcissism. I'm not judging you as I've had to deal with it myself over the years, but it's true. When we feel anxious we're focussing on ourselves, what might happen to us, what others might think of us, how we look. We're not thinking about how worried the other person might be or what we can do to put them at ease.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): If you can summon the courage, see if you can contact him by phone. Be calm. Don't try to foresee the future; or anticipate his reaction. If he is still angry, ask if he would call you back when he feels up to it. You'd like to talk, and you feel he deserves an explanation. Hangup. Go take a bubble bath, light some scented candles, and relax.
Maybe you can't necessarily fix things. That depends on how understanding he is. Cross that bridge when you get to it.
If he calls, immediately offer him an apology and a brief explanation that you get really nervous before a date. It has really been awhile. The excitement and tension got the better of you.
Don't go into any in-depth reveal about your emotional issues. That's too much information until you know him better. Then when you feel enough at ease; later you may give him a more detailed explanation.
You shouldn't arrange dates, if you aren't healthy enough to go through with them.
It is unfair to people to build up their hopes and rudely let them down.
I suspect that you get highly excited the moment you hear from him. You agreed to the dates feeling obligated or pressured to say yes. Knowing you'd freak out as the scheduled date and time approached. I also suspect this happened before.
The unpredictability of your anxiety attacks aren't going to sit well with people unfamiliar with anxiety disorder.
In fact, patience will wear on anyone when YOU can't maintain your composure and poise.If you're a nervous mess and life is out of order, don't date.
You don't subject yourself to highly stressful situations; until you strongly feel you're up to the task.
Anticipation before the first date is hard on everyone.
When you make plans, prepare.
People suffering anxiety disorders carry on relationships all the time; it just takes extra effort. As you become more familiar with a guy; your anxiety levels will lower.
He'll slowly become familiar with your quirks.
You like him a lot; and you're worried about him learning about your anxiety issues. You're uncertain about how he will take it. You're not sure how much he really likes you. You're afraid of being judged and rejected. Stop running all this junk through your head. Think peaceful thoughts.
Take several deep breaths, and slowly release the air through your nostrils. Breath into a paper bag. Just chill!
You have to be sure you're not under stress from other sources when you agree to go out with someone. That includes work and family issues. If you're naturally a worry-wart, your impairments are going to seriously limit your love-life.
You need to establish a ritual that brings you serenity prior to going out. Get an evaluation and seek recommendations from your therapist. If you should be taking medication, take it.
Too many things going on at once, only compound and amplify your nervousness before a date. So get things out of the way that you feel might stress you out.
Don't dwell on your faults and imperfections when you're getting ready for a date. Play calming music. Stretch out your preparation time, so everything is leisurely. Don't wait until the last minute, so you can start conjuring up excuses not to get ready; because there is no time.
Invite a friend or family member over to help you stay calm and prepare for your evening out. You'll need someone around for moral support, to pick out an outfit, and to give you a push when you feel yourself getting cold-feet.
You don't have to have anxiety issues to freak out on a first date. I think we can all relate to that girlfriend!
Please don't beat yourself up over this. That won't make things any better. If he likes you, he might not give up that easily. We're in your corner no matter how this turns out. Keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 He's definitely thinking you aren't interested at this moment. so now it will be up to you to initiate the next move.
Give him a call - sooner rather than later - and explain that you're really sorry to have cancelled twice. And that you'd really like the opportunity to make it up to him and show him that you really are interested in going out.
If he refuses this, then I'd back off. But hopefully, he should still want to go, if he liked you enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): Aww, i know how you feel. I suffer from anxiety too and it's very, very hard to deal with. I think you need to try and explain to him that you have an anxiety issue. If he likes you he should understand.
Whatever happens with him though, you need to deal with the anxiety. Getting that sorted is more important than any man. Start by going to your GP and telling them how you feel. They should refer you to somebody who can help with your anxiety. Best of luck and let us know what happens.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 January 2014):
Work on fixing yourself or you'll be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
In the meantime it wouldn't hurt to tell him the truth. I'm guessing he has given up, but that's not guaranteed.
Maybe you should agree to a date that starts off in a public place so that you can go there have your coffee (or whatever) and get calm while you wait.
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A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (19 January 2014):
Find ways to convey to him, in not too many words, that you have anxiety issues and because of that you are unable to do things over which you are excited or feel that you have a great stake into. Some ways of reaching to him about this is a letter, email or a video message in which you are direct, clear and do not go on a tangent going off topic. Men like to be explained to in direct, concise and to-the-topic manner. Feel free to explain to him just like you did in this post - that once on a date you will relax and ask him for help and some ideas on how he can help you with that. Perhaps you two can find an arrangement in how to get that all important date off the ground and if he agrees to it, as a male I think that would be a serious signal from him that he wants you. Remember: good, concise, to the point communication. Best of luck
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