A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a guy exclusively for over two years. I've been staying at his house every day and night since Christmas 2009. When I say I'm going to stay at my place, he always talks me into staying with him instead. My lease will be up in a few months, and I have brought up the subject of moving into his place when it is, but he says this is something he does not want. I don't see the point in continuing to pay for a place that I never stay at.I am confused because we've spent every day and night together for several months now (and things have gone very well). He gave me a key to his house months ago, and if he gets home from work before I get there, he usually texts me or calls to ask where I am. Can anyone give me some insight as to why he might feel this way? He won't tell me more other than that is is not something he wants. He has been married once and has had two long term live in relationships that didn't work out.
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female
reader, GettingInYourBizness +, writes (2 August 2010):
 "He has been married once and has had two long term live in relationships that didn't work out."
He's probably associating the above, with "as long as we don't move in together it keeps everything simple."
But upfront, he's not the only man that is divorced and had GF's live together and it not working out - if he is using that logic seems a bit childish.
Whether he likes it or not it's definitely something that needs to be discussed (as you've been dating for a year+ and basically living together) and I would bring up the points you made her as they are very logical.
If he has no other answer than just, "not something he wants," I don't see how you can have a future together and continue moving forward.
He is one of those men that are very content in the current dynamic and with the way things are and doesn't understand why you'd want to change them.
Upfront, you're mid-late 30's, dating a guy for 2 years, if you haven't already you should really ask where this is all going IF marriage and/or a family is something you ever want.
We need some more info, have you ever talked about future plans with this guy?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): I've owned four homes, had two husbands, and two live in boyfriends.
Your boyfriend's behavior is as expected; totally understandable. As confusing and enfuriating as it is, and I completely believe you are dismayed and probably wanting to light him on fire for being completely unreasonable, I'll tell you what, I get it.
He let someone move in, let's see, okay three times. And "move in" figuratively or literally, doesn't matter. But he let them in.
When you month by month write a mortgage check and a load of utilities, and then realize one day all those payments are really just you buying someone else's idea of stability while they mistreat you, something in you clicks one day and you decide, "I will never, ever, never, allow myself to be in this position again."
So maybe he thinks you're super cool and wonderful and loves being with you, and loves having a partner, but he will be damned before he is ever in the position of supporting someone, and then, losing it, especially losing it to someone who was using him all along, whether she knew it or not.
You probably don't want to hear this, but you are really getting the best end of the deal. He's given you his life and home and privacy. And both of you have an out. It may feel vulnerable to you, but it feels refreshingly safe to him. From the sounds of it, he's not going anywhere, and he's not going to take any of his support away. I say you be happy and completely unconcerned with this arrangement. Renew your lease, and celebrate the fact you are of the few that get your independence and a man's loyalty at the same time.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 August 2010):
 I think you need to talk to him a bit more seriously about this. It sounds like he's scared if you officially move in, things will change and thus not work out. Also, if you have officially moved in, things are more permanent. So it sounds like a bit of a commitment phobia. 2 years is an awfully long time, I think you need to bring it up in a way that he can't just brush off to find out why he doesn't want to move forward with you.
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A
female
reader, meshelle88 +, writes (2 August 2010):
 This is simple...he needs to know his home is just that...his. And spending the night, even everynight is not permanent where moving in completely is. You have only been dating a short time, maybe it comforts him to know if things don't work out the two of you can just go your seperate ways. He just may not be willing to make such a move just yet. My fiance and I dated for a yr before we moved in together. It was comforting to know when wé needed time apart or just wanted privacy, we had our own place to go to. Even though to you it doesnt seem to be different, spending the night at his house IS different from living there. He may just be that smart and wants to take his time, bc once you move in, it becomes "our house" and your money and his money becomes "our money" and his space becomes "our space" and you may change his decor, and he may fear invasion. Don't push it. Just do exactly what you are doing now and let things just happen. Paying for a pláce you barely visit is hard, but IF something were to happen (this is a very new rlsp.) at least you will have a place to go...just saying.
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