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I said "yes" to a proposal but I was not ready

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2014) 9 Answers - (Newest, 30 December 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

OP's original title **

Call me crazy but I just accepted a proposal from my LDR boyfriend of 6mths. The problem is ever since then there are things about him that I know I won't be able to cope with. I get angry when trying to communicate with him so I don't know if this can ever change.

He is 35yrs but still have some childish ways with him like not being too responsible. There are things I think I don't have to repeat but I constantly feel like I'm talking to a kid. Have you delivered the things mom sent you to her friend? Did you go to church? Did you apply for that course online so you can secure a job when you move soon? When, do, what??? I feel like I'm losing it. I'm slowly becoming an angry woman. Simple things like this shouldn't be hard for a man. Why do I feel like I'm settling? I want a more responsible man who knows how to take charge. My patience and tolerance is not built for this. My friends tells me most men don't grow up fast so they will be like this for a while but there's a way to train them especially if they are teachable.

Please help me with this if you have similar issues. He's a nice man and he's trying his best. I just feel like as fast as we moved, he needs to make these changes I want to see fast.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntDO not think that your behavior is "supportive" or "helpful" in the true sense of the word.

Your behavior is parental. He's not mature enough to be a grown up on his own and he's expecting or needing you to be the mature one in charge.

It seems that you don't really want this man and his needy behavior.

Right now he's on his BEST behavior... once you are together more it will only escalate and his neediness will become suffocating for you.

"he got wasted saturday night" how often does he get "wasted" are you ok with this behavior?

where does he live? does the proprosal have anything to do with being able to be legal in the USA?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Did you go to church becomes a normal question in our relationship because on his last visit we connected with my pastor who is now one of our big mentors. His advice was to encourage both ourselves to stay steadfast. I got frustrated because he got wasted Saturday night in the house and was too weak to go to church. Of course that's not something I'll like to see happen when we live together.

Yes, we have met before. We met in the states few months ago. He went back and then came back to the states to spend a mtg and some days with me in which he proposed. I plan to visit him next mth.

I definitely do not want to baby him. He is the one that have asked me to tell him and encourage him to do what I want. I'm trying to be a friend and a fiancee. It's just tough. He's accepted me but I find it so hard to accept him. In my mind, I feel like he purposely wants to get on my nerves.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntyou ARE settling and you will continue to grow more and more angry and frustrated with this man.

HE is not the man you want. YOU are in love with his POTENTIAL which is not all that great.

"did you go to church?" is NOT a question a partner asks. it's a question his mommy asks....

IF you have to ask if he went to church because it's that important to you and he needs a REMINDER or a check in to make him go--this is not the man for you.

Since you are LDR, have you met in person?

how often do you see each other?

what's the time frame for moving?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

"Why do I feel like I'm settling?"

Because you are settling in the hopes that you can magically change your boyfriend from the person he is into the person you want him to be. That's not going to happen.

"I want a more responsible man who knows how to take charge."

Then break this sham engagement so you can find a guy who meets your requirements.

"My friends tells me most men don't grow up fast so they will be like this for a while but there's a way to train them especially if they are teachable."

Your friends are woefully uninformed.

"He's a nice man and he's trying his best. I just feel like as fast as we moved, he needs to make these changes I want to see fast."

Your expectations are unrealistic and you will only end up making both you and your boyfriend miserable. He is who he is and it is grossly unfair of you to expect him to change into someone he isn't to suit your convenience.

He apparently loves you for who you are, if you can't extend the same courtesy to him then you need to end this relationship now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Clarification: He has a job. But when he visited me, we both have discussed what needs to be done for him to get a job here fast. So couple of certifications were recommended.

I just expect too much from a man who is about to be my husband. Proof to me that you are worthy. I have everything a good career, I volunteer, I'm fit and religious.

There are few flaws about me which is I get angry easily. We've talked about that too. But the problem is as much as I am working on my anger I can't be with someone who possesses qualities of a boy. I get easily turned off and unbothered.

It makes me angry and upset.

I can definitely tell him but I feel like I'm constantly monitoring his life for change. Wouldn't that be overbearing for him? He's accepted every flaw of mine but yet I'm hung over his. What can I do to work with him? He's teachable that I know.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

I think it's worth bearing in mind you can't single handedly change someone. They have got to be the one who wants it. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who needs you to be their replacement mother.

Set targets, as was advised in your first answer. But I would also make it very clear that him taking responsibility for his own life is crucial for this to work.

I would not encourage acceptance of marriage after such a short time, especially as a long distance thing. I personally needed to live with my now husband, we got used to each other and learnt whether or not we could last once the pressures of running a home together were placed on us.

I can't imagine it being any other way. Why risk living with someone who is going to drive you mad by taking marriage vows before you know if you'll work together.

I don't see any reason in politely declining the engagement until you have been together longer, letting him know you still want to be together but you need to see he can do X, Y and Z before you make that massive commitment.

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A female reader, Bcoco United Kingdom +, writes (30 December 2014):

Dear Anonymous,

If you feel like your settling, then you are. You are a wonderful human being and deserves only the best. Have you spoken to him about this? If you haven't, then you should consider it because men won't change until you force them to.

Your friend is right on the fact that it takes time for men to grow up, but he won't change until you ask him to. Explain to him how this is affecting you, and if he truly loves you, he'll understand and try to make a few changes.

I believe that 6 months is a bit too soon for you to get married because you've only just started to get to know each other. However, you obviously think he could be THE one considering the fact that your first instinct was to accept his proposal. Psychologist say that women tend to overthink things, when their first instinct was normally the correct one.

Think this through, take every bit of advice and make up the Pros and Cons, truly understand your different options. Then, and only then can you give an answer.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (30 December 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThere is no reason why you can't make it a LOOOOOooooong engagement, of around two years or so, there is no need to set an actual date for a wedding yet.

I would certainly not be setting any dates for a wedding after a 6 month relationship, nor with a man who is not employed and doesn't look like being employed in the immediate future.

Try talking to him, explain to him you are happy to be engaged but feel you may have moved to fast, and it is time to gently apply the brakes to ensure the relationship doesn't go out of control.

Open up a dialogue, discuss with him what needs to be done before you get married, and what needs to be done before you move to him, or he moves to you.

Don't forget to let him know he needs to let you know what he feels are important steps.

Set a date about two years ahead, and then work out what goals need to be met before you get to that day ... break it all down into workable chunks, targets for 3 months, 6 months, by the end of 12 months we need to XXXXX at 18 months we should have xxxxx in place and so forth.

Take a deep breath, breath in some peace and good vibes and breath out the stress.

One step at a time and no more rushing, and if you and he are meant to be it will happen.

good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

You can't change him! Please don't settle. It's not too late to change your mind.

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