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I regret my transsexual surgery. What to do?

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Question - (23 January 2013) 7 Answers - (Newest, 24 January 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello everyone, Im having some troubles now. I went through a transsexual surgery some time ago and turned from a male into a female. However, recently I start to see some identity crisis in myself.

The main objective of the surgery was so that I could be a female openly and date the man I love. That was so till I met this woman from work. She was absolutely charming, and I found myself starting to fall for her. She was undeniably attractive and for some reason, I was really drawn to her. I found myself starting to regret going through the surgery.

At the same time, it makes me really confused about myself and my sexuality. Am I bisexual? I always thought I like males, but this recent discovery made me helpless and confused. Things get worse when I see the woman going on dates with another man who can woo her properly. I really regret my surgery and I don't know what to do. Some help please? Thanks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013):

Dear whoever you are,

This is a really breath taking situation like no other that I have encounter before. Even as a councillor of a school, being experience in this area of providing advices to people, i find myself speechless. This is indeed too confusing and too breathtaking, it is almost as if its unreal and I cannot find myself to believe that this has happened!

In response to your question, I think you have complicated sexual issues, but this can be resolve easily. Note that you cannot turn back again so this leaves you no choice but to remain as a female. You can reveal your feelings to her and well who knows perhaps she may be bisexual as well and accept you! Thats all thanks and sayonana!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013):

I had a male coworker who became a woman. However, he is (post-surgery) a lesbian.

I also had a gay boss who fell in love with and married a woman.

Gender is who *you* are. Sexual preference is who you want to be *with*. Don't confuse these.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013):

There is no point changing genders for the ones you love at different points of your time. I absolutely agree with chigirl.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany + , writes (23 January 2013):

Dear OP,

You just went through a long and life changing transition. Of course it can happen that from time to time you'll regret this. It would be a miracle if you just enjoyed everything about your new body without even the slightest identity crisis. To change your gender/sex is about the most drastic change anyone could make.

Give yourself some time to find yourself and to grow into your new identity. Your first priority is to take care of yourself now and making yourself comfortable in your life.

About the sexuality: I am bisexual and I know it's very confusing from time to time.

I also know some transsexual people who are bisexual and all the more confused.

I could also imagine that transsexuality brings a high sensitivity to sex and gender related questions, and maybe a greater openness towards bisexuality.This doesn't have to be a disadvantage once you are self confident and embrace every facet of you. Among the transsexual people I know, it sometimes bugs me that they are so focused on incorporating the right gender that they forget their personality a bit.

We all have male and female parts in ourself and you don't have to deny some male feelings and aspects in order to be a woman.

You don't need to regret this decision because of one woman you now think you can't date anymore. You can find love - lesbian or straight, queer or whatever - in THIS body that you have now. Don't be jealous of this other guy, or anyone. Just work on being happy with yourself.

Just don't give up. It's hard to find love for everyone, regardless of gender. If you think that being a man, or a woman, will make this task to find love easier, you're wrong. So, no need to change back now. You're transsexual and you can find someone who loves you for who you are. Men and women might be interested in you, so if you feel attraction, no need to hide or deny it.

To deal with all the transitions and confusions, I'd recommend a self help group or a good and sensitive counsellor.

Also, it might be important to reflect in a therapy if in the past you have made some decisions that were too soon, too tough or too invasive for you.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (23 January 2013):

chigirl agony aunt"The main objective of the surgery was so that I could be a female openly and date the man I love. That was so till I met this woman from work. She was absolutely charming, and I found myself starting to fall for her."

Sp your first objective was to do surgery.. for a man you love? And you want to go back to being a man.. for a woman you love?

Hold on here. Stop doing things for OTHERS. You can't just flip sexes whenever you fall for someone new. So you're bisexual, doesn't mean you can be with anyone you fall in love with. What about gay people who fall in love with straight ones? Would you suggest they change their sex so they can be with the ones they love? Who might not even love them back when it all comes down to it?

No, some people you love and can't have, and that's the end of it. Never change for anyone other than YOU. Be miserably in love with the woman at work. But don't CHANGE for her. Being a man doesn't guarantee you could be with her anyhow, and it definitely does not guarantee you'd be HAPPY with her!

Sexuality swings through life. Maybe you are pansexual for all you know, loving people for who they are despite gender (also known as the only purely non-shallow sexuality). Or maybe you are 90% straight (you're a woman who likes men) and then 10% gay, and now you found that one woman who gets that side out of you.

Or maybe it's a passing thing. You just went through a big change, naturally you will have questions about your new identity and will have to test yourself and find out who this new you are. However, it's like every other teenager does: they discover who they are, and they fall for someone they can't have, they explore their sexuality, and they worry they are gay, or not, if they watch gay porn, or feel an attraction towards someone of the same sex. Doesn't mean you are gay, at the moment it only means you are curious and have a need to explore your sexuality.

Take it easy, don't regret things. You changed gender for a reason, and that reason is still there: you wanted to be openly a woman. If you end up liking women in the end there's tons of other women who ALSO like women, so don't go thinking you'll end up lonely.

For all you know this woman you like might be a lesbian. And if she was, would you still regret your surgery?

At the end of the day, if you go around changing for other people you'll never get to figure out who you truly are, as other people come and go and they like different things. You can't be what EVERYONE wants, no matter what gender you are.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom + , writes (23 January 2013):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntUnfortunately you can't 'do' anything. The work up for the operation you had is extensive. The doctor, surgeon, psychologist and nurses must have told you that the operation is not reversible.

You said the surgery was some time ago and you're young now, so you must have been very young at the time. And very, very determined to convince the medical team that you were 100% sure at such a young age.

I agree with SoVeryConfused, ask to be referred back to the psychologist because you do need professional advise and support.

You were im love with a man, and now you have an infatuation for a woman, so it would seem you're bisexual.

The woman at work is out of bounds unless she's bisexual, but there are plenty of other women out there. And men.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (23 January 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWhat does the doctor that worked with you to prep for your surgery advise? I'm sure you had to have major psychological workups for this surgery... I would go back to the psychological prep team and seek guidance from them.

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