A
female
age
41-50,
*harlie k
writes:My hubby and I have been married almost 7 years. I recently discovered that he has been going to adult websites. Sharing myself with him means a lot to me and I almost feel betrayed. Plus, he's never told me he loves me while having sex with me. I'm very hurt and wonder how do men really feel about having sex with their mate? Is it special to most men, or meaningless?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): 'It's not meaningless but it can get boring. Men need variety to get sexually aroused and many look at porn to get it. It may be cold comfort, but women who's husbands look at porn should realize it has little if anything to do with them and that he would have ended up looking at porn no matter who he married.'
what your saying male reader, is that it HAS got everything to do with us.....he is bored of sex with us....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): It's not meaningless but it can get boring. Men need variety to get sexually aroused and many look at porn to get it. It may be cold comfort, but women who's husbands look at porn should realize it has little if anything to do with them and that he would have ended up looking at porn no matter who he married.
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A
male
reader, quacks  +, writes (17 August 2008):
 I heard recently and dont know if it helps but here goes..
People who watch friends watch it and like it becasue its like life porn.. by that i mean its viewing people living their perfect lives that are just too good to be true and it becomes a sort of fantasy of how some people want their lives to be. At the end of the day though its only actors playing a role who go home and have bumpy lives like the rest of us and no one lives a life like that for real. Porn is like a bedroom version of friends. Everyone likes to have good sex with their partners but somehow by watching it, again it becomes too good to be true and a kind of fantasy played by actors. It's just as fake as friends but like real life no one really has sex like that either... I suppose what i'm trying to say is that it's only a form of fantasy escapism just as sitting down to watch an episode of friends is whereas having sex with your partner is real. It is something that men treasure and love to share in. Its is a totally different thing to viewing porn
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A
female
reader, charlie k +, writes (14 August 2008):
charlie k is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to those who answered my question. I came to a realization yesterday, I don't think my husband associates love and sex. When I told him he's never told me he loves me while having sex his response was "so". And for the websites I found out about, we did talk about it, infact I did overreact and at first told him to never touch me again and that I want a divorce, he cried so hard and said he doesn't know why he did he, he's really ashamed. We made up and now I try to have sex with him as often as possible, but now I don't feel the connection with him that I always use to because I don't feel like I mean anything to him anymore. He now acts like it's old news and a thing of the past, life as normal. I brought it up a second time and he said I can't keep throwing it in his face, but I just had more questions. I exercise like a mad women now and have even throwen up my food. I'm not fat, well so people say, I feel like I am. Your answers were great, but I still don't know how to move on. Sorry if this is too long!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): yos says its very meaningful to men and the porn is 'just a fantasy' The truth is if the man is fantasizing about other women naked then the sex with us cant mean a whole lot to him
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 August 2008):
 It's incredibly special to most men. And many men are really terrible about saying that, even if that's the case. Men just generally aren't as able to talk about their feelings as women.
As for the websites, whilst it must have come as a nasty surprise, I wouldn't over-react. Very many men visit adult sites, it's more of a fantasy and doesn't necessarily mean anything about your relationship. In cases where it becomes an addiction then that's when you need to really watch out. Having said that, you two should discuss it. If you're really not comfortable with it then he should be willing to stop for your benefit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Don't worry, the mind is like an engine and every man is different, therefore the parts that make the engine are different, so please don't think this is everymans way of doing things~ I can see why you would feel betrayed and I am sorry you feel that way, rest assured that he does love you, adult sites are, lets say a "jump start" to the engine, but I guess he would be thinking of you while he ...you know :)Of course I don't know him, and as he is different to me, i can't say for sure but some reasons could be:1. The female body is a work of art in itself, obviously he can't be looking at you 24/7 or whenever he wants, so he turns to adult sites, which mean nothing to him, but as a mere pleasure2.Old habbits die hard you know :)- perhaps hes just used to it from the old days, before you were married
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 Well every man is different. Some really can separate sex from all feelings that they have, and just view it as a means to an end. For me, personally, when having sex with someone I love, I view it as very special (usually, of course I like to get down and dirty as well). When I was younger (late teens) I slept with women without feeling a shred of emotion for them, but as I got older and found women I was more compatible with, it was harder to push the feelings aside.
I can't speak for your husband, but you've been married for 7 years so there must be some feeling there. Perhaps sex is not as 'special' to him as it is to you, and he shows his affection in other ways, outside of sex. But this is a question you'd have to ask him, really, and hope that you get an honest answer.
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A
female
reader, Mzbabybat +, writes (13 August 2008):
 have you told him you love him while being in bed with him? my husband does the same things, but he says what we are are very special, at times i feel like like im standing in a line with four or five other people and i want to be the "only one". but i dont believe men feel that way. i feel they need to be exploritory with others. each in there own ways. unfortunatly it ruins lots of relationships. its starting with mine. thats the best answer i can give you.
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