A
female
age
36-40,
*retchen24mt
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together since June 2012. He had a one night stand with a friend before we ever got together. Turns out she got pregnant. When she found out he he had denied being the father because she had slept with other guys too. She court ordered a paternity test sometime in December of 2012 and it turned out my boyfriend IS the father. It was quite a shock to both of us. My parents divorced when I was 6, I've been with my mom all my life and of course I grew up with daddy issues. I thought I'd be able to handle the situation once he started visiting her but once it really came down to it I just couldn't. His daughter is absolutely adorable, I don't have hate towards his child but I've been hurting so much. I've been struggling with severe depression. I've been living everyday like she doesn't exist and he's been so accommodation abouty feeling about it. I'm not one to make him not be a part of her life because he actually wants to be but I am struggling with this really bad and I need some advice. How do I cope? How do I accept it? How do I get over it? Sometimes I just wanna call it quits and run away from it, move somewhere far away and start fresh. Why am I still with him? I love him I do and that's why I stay but I just don't know how much longer I can hang on anymore.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 I think it is important that when you talk to your boyfriend about this, you make it clear that this isn't some form of punishment. You wouldn't leave him and the relationship to punish him. Usually, relationships end because the twp partners start to dislike each other, or fight, or one of the two did something wrong. Hence the relationship ends. So it is natural for him to feel punished when you want to end the relationship, like he did something wrong. It is important then that he understands just why you leave, so that you wont have this meaningless and pointless drama of begging you to stay. He clearly didn't understand the problem if he begged you to stay, saying he will "make it work". He can not make it work. It isn't in his power to magically erase his daughter, nor is it in his power to magically change your dreams and desires for a future. What you want, and what he can offer, do not coincide. Simple as that. Make him understand that there are in fact women who will be with him, but they will enter the relationship on different premises.
Perhaps, after some time apart, maybe you will get back together. Who knows. It could happen. Maybe your desires to start a family with a man disappear, and you wont mind dating a father. I don't think it is likely to happen, but it could happen. The difference then would be that you would enter the relationship on different premises. Up until this paternity test you didn't even know if this actually was his child, and he denied it. So up until then, you were in a relationship with a man with no baggage. Had you known, from the start of the relationship, that this other woman was carrying his child.. I think it would have been different. But no need to tell him that, because he might just feel at fault. And ending a relationship is hard enough, there doesn't need to be any guilt tripping or passing of blame. Just simple and easy: what you want, and what he has, is not the same. Nothing wrong with him, and absolutely nothing wrong with you. But that's just how it is.
He'll be fine. He'll move on. And you will be fine too. And like I said, who know in a few years. Maybe you will reconnect.
And again, no, this doesn't make you a bad person. You didn't choose to not be okay with it. If you had that choice you would have chosen to be okay with it, because you really care for this man. Make sure he knows that. But when you don't have a child already of your own, it is understandable that you want to have that for yourself, together with a boyfriend. And not stand on the sidelines and see how another woman gets to do all the firsts with your boyfriend. It's not what you signed up for. And you're not at a place in your life where you are okay with that.
A
female
reader, Gretchen24mt +, writes (22 May 2013):
Gretchen24mt is verified as being by the original poster of the question I don't think I'm ready to tackle the step mom role and I don't think I will be able to. You're right about everything you said and it's comforting that you said not a bad person for feeling the way I have been because I have felt horrible about it. The funny thing is (okay well maybe it's not funny) the girl actually took advantage of him when they were drunk, he basically said he was unaware of what happened and he didn't find out about them hooking up until the morning after. That she purposely did that because she thought it would give her a chance to "be" with him.
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A
female
reader, Gretchen24mt +, writes (22 May 2013):
Gretchen24mt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried to leave the relationship because I couldn't handle his situation but he begged for me to give him a chance to make it work. He loves me very much, but you're probably right...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 May 2013):
Thank you for your follow up. I think, in this case, you have to make a very difficult decision, but it is also the adult decision. To end the relationship. Not because he did anything wrong, not because you did anything wrong or somehow failed. But because you know this is a problem for you. You wished it wasn't, but it is. And you can't fake it, or pretend it isn't. But there is nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. However, it is not good to continue the relationship when you know you have a problem with this, and you know the cause of your distress isn't going to go away at any point, at any time. Ever. He will always have had his first child with another woman, and there will always be another woman in his life who will call him about the child, and you will always come second to that child.
For someone who already has children of her own this might be less of a problem, as she'll too be busy with her children, and knows how it works being a single parent/having children but not being together with the mother/father.
There are also women who don't mind at all being a step-mum. I've had friends who were perfectly fine entering relationships with single dads. But they entered those relationships full aware that there was a child there. You entered this relationship thinking there was NOT going to be any children. The premises have changed... so it is not to be automatically assumed you should change your desires and wants for the future accordingly. You entered the relationship thinking there were no children. And maybe, if you had known about the child from the start, maybe you'd be okay with it. But the situation being the way it is, you're not okay with it. And that, basically, is the end of that. Discussing it further is pointless.
It doesn't make you a bad person at all. But this isn't what you signed up for. And you deserve to be with a man who you can share your dreams with, to have a child together, experience the time together, to be together so that the child will have both parents.
My worst fear in these cases is to have children who will have half siblings. I don't like it. I have a half brother myself, and I barely have any contact with him. He belongs to an entirely different family. Same with many others I know who have half siblings, they don't have that same sibling bond between them. It wouldn't be the end of the world if I had children with a man, and then we split up, and then I or he got children with a new partner. Because we did try to stay together. But to enter a relationship where there is already a child, well then I accept that there will be half siblings. It's like wanting to not be a single mom, yet getting pregnant by a one night stand. It goes against the entire purpose, against everything you want to try for. Sure, it might not end up the way you wanted it to, in the end. But to "give up" on that dream before even trying? I think I would regret it for the rest of my life.
I think you will regret it too, if you decided to stay with him and give up your dream of building a family with ONE man and ONE woman, and no half siblings. No man is worth giving up your dream for.
It's not his fault, and I am sure he will find another woman who will be happy being a step-mum and have children with him who will have an older half-sister/more half siblings as that other woman will probably have more children with other men. But that's not for you, and you know it's not for you. So do not force yourself into that position when you know you're not happy about it.
You need to end the relationship. You're not doing him any good by being with him when he isn't the one for you. Do right by him, and do right by yourself. End the relationship, so that the two of you can go and find the people who are right for you. You can be friends, but he isn't what you're looking for, now that he is a father.
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A
female
reader, Gretchen24mt +, writes (21 May 2013):
Gretchen24mt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm struggling with a lot of different aspects I guess. I have a lot of mixed feelings towards it. I'm jealous. Yes, there is some resentment here. I guess I also am upset that I have to settle for being second in his life. I know we haven't been together for that long but I was in it for the long haul, but I wanted to be have all his "firsts" when starting a family because that is one of my goals is starting a family. I have issues with my dad because he wasn't really there for me and his wife is the cause of my parents divorce and she was always the evil step mom to me. Not sure if I'm ready to tackle the step mom role. It upsets me for some reason when his daughters mom constantly calls and whenever I hear about it. My mood dramatically changes and sadly without even knowing I tend to go about my life like the situation doesn't exist until I see a picture of the daughter or I see that the mother is calling. I wanted to bare his children and share that experience with him and his family but he's already doing that and I guess it hurts me. I want to accept it I really do but I'm just having so much trouble with it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 May 2013):
What about it is it that bothers you so much? You don't say. You mention that you grew up having daddy issues. Please explain, what do you mean by that? And how is that relevant to this? Do you resent him for not being careful enough to use protection during the one night stand? What exactly do you have a problem with?
Is it too much responsibility for you at this age, and with a fresh relationship and all? I'd understand that, you were expecting a relationship with a guy, with no babies. You don't have to be okay with everything that happens, you know. If you feel like this isn't what you want in a relationship, then no one can judge you for walking away. I personally wouldn't want to date a man with children, not at this age where I am looking for a man to start my own family with. I wouldn't want to raise someone elses child, and even if you aren't supposed to the a new "mom" to his daughter, you will be dragged into a parenting role at some point. And it might not be what you want.
But, it doesn't sound like THAT is your problem.. You talk about daddy issues and depression over this. Please explain more in depth what bothers you. What are you struggling with?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Parents are a package deal. You must accept his daughter or you must leave him.
What is it that bothers you so much about this situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): I feel for you, I was in the same situation except in my case my ex lied to me about the baby as he knew all along, and I only realised he knew all along and was visiting her when I went through his phone. I finished it in the end because I felt angry and betrayed on top of what you are feeling.
sorry if this isnt helpful but I hope it is. go with your feelings, they should become more apparent to you as time goes on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Yeah I totally understand you the feeling of disappointment is too much to handle besides your too young to be a step mom. That is why I always make sure everyone I have dated got NO kids cause I don't want to be the evil step mom or his SECOND baby mama or my children to be second...who in the world would want to be number two? Seriously!!!
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