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I really like her but she blows hot and cold!

Tagged as: Crushes, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone

I need some advice.

Last september i met a girl, we grew very close over a few weeks, she seemed very interested and i really started to like her. she then discovered she had to move away with her job and just changed overnight, became cold and stopped contacting me or replying to me. Since then i contacted her a few times but she was always cold and stopped talking quickly.

so i gave up.

after 2 months of no contact with her, she sent me a message. it was cold at first but it was the first time she has got in touch first. she has just settled into her new place and has really warmed up again after a few messages and sends me messages every day, flirts with me, compliments me etc. just how she was before. the problem is now she lives 4 hours away. its not the end of the world but not perfect. she said she wants to come and visit me next month but not sure if i should believe her.

I fell for her in a big way the first time and became so sad when she changed, so i'm a bit scared that i'm starting to have hope again when i know i shouldn't. what do you think i should i do? give it a go and see what happens or just forget about it?

i really like her still, i've never liked a girl so much before but i dont want to just get hurt over and over by someone who is hot and cold.

View related questions: flirt

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016):

How often do you speak with her? Does she disappear off the conversation during it or when it's naturally finished?

I think she's just unsure about what she wants, have you met before as you say about messaging but not in person?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016):

original poster here

Everything was lovely for about 5 days and now she vanished again. Maybe she will get in touch later if she is serious about visiting and could just be busy but my gut is usually right and i don't think she will.

Disappointing to say the least but I can't say it wasn't obvious.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 February 2016):

I think she is a focused person and knows how to prioritize her career goals. She moved and got her professional-life situated; knowing she'd be pretty distracted by trying to start a new romance. I assume she may like you as much as you may like her, but the timing was impractical.

It was important for her to be reserved about her feelings and put first things first. You've got to pay the bills, so your professional life is going to be at the top of your list of priorities when you're single. You also have to get your life in order when you relocate. You have to find a suitable and reasonably priced place to live. Hopefully within a reasonable distance and convenient route to work.

That takes time and deliberate effort.

You also have to readjust to new surroundings, get acquainted with your new job and coworkers; plus deal with the emotional side of displacement. You do get homesick for family and friends. She even had to put her love-life on hold.

It is four hours away, but then you now have to decide if she gives you enough emotional feedback to travel the distance. Making absolutely certain that you're not just in the friend-zone; and presuming she has more feelings for you than she actually has. People can get along famously as friends and even feel flirty; but at the same time not allow their feelings to get ahead of them realizing in the back of their mind things may not go as far as a romance. Considering friendly flirtation was just fine for that particular period of time. You may have fascinated her and made some connection; perhaps not as deep as you are hoping for. Flirtation doesn't necessarily indicate any depth in fondness or necessarily confirm a "romantic" connection has been made. It's what people do when they're young and single. It's healthy interaction.

She's coming to visit. This will give you an opportunity to establish where her heart and feelings are. You are just a bit ahead of hers. She had things going on when you came along, and they couldn't necessarily be changed based on a few weeks of getting to know you.

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (6 February 2016):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntShes very interested. If you start something serious you must first have a plan to close distance. Or the crap will fall apart faster than a Ross Perot campaign.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (6 February 2016):

janniepeg agony auntShe did not become cold to hurt you. She must have the same concerns as you do, about the distance and not knowing how many times you can travel back and forth. She was also busy with planning up and packing Maybe she talks to you now because she's all alone in a new place and you are the only one she feels comfortable talking to. Also to test the waters to see if you are still interested. If she wants to visit, that shows she likes you too. What you want to know is if she likes you more than a friend. If she doesn't, then why bother investing feelings in her. You met in September and I think that's enough time to know where you stand. The hesitation is about whether to develop anything real. But first she has to have that kind of intention. It's past the stage of just "trying things out." Before she comes visit you need to have that talk, so you know what to expect. You don't want to wait until she comes here and then be surprised that she just sees you as a friend.

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