A
female
age
41-50,
*IERIN
writes:HiI know this question has been asked many times, but I still have to ask ...I dont know what to do with myself. I am pretty jealous and I really don't want to be, cause I have the feeling I will destroy the whole relationship if I dont stop this...For example.When I have to do something at night (work mostly), and I cant be w my BF ... we call each other and I am all happy but when he tells me he is going out for coffee or restaruant w his friends ... all the sudden I get sad and cranky and I am thinking the worst possibilites that could happen (him meeting some new girl, him checking out every girl there is and thinking she is much better looking than what he has) ... and right the way we get into an argument, cause I get bitchy about it. He doesnt go out often (by himself) he is usually with me, but when he does, I always turn into a mean bitch!!I dont know whats wrong with me. I know I have to stop this but I dont know how!!!!!! Those bad thoughts are much faster than my brain telling me "be nice to him, tell him to have a good time and that you love him" ... instead of that I shout some stupid stuff and thats it!! I am soooo upset with myself but I dont know how to stop this!!!!!Please help me !!!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 The power of positive thinking.
Have you ever felt positive that something bad
was going to happen?
Have you wondered if you made the bad thing happen because you believed it would?
Women are intuitive creatures, and that is
one of the many attributes that separate us from
the male population.
We have a strong sense of “being.”
But what about the power of thinking positively?
Many women have become negative thinkers, and
they expect the next bad thing that happens.
Though it may seem that only bad things can happen
at this time of your life, try looking at it
from a “positive” perspective.
Feel more positive about yourself.
Keep your positive feelings to yourself, and allow yourself
to be proud of your accomplishments and strengths without
the input of another being.
Think more positively and set your personal goals–and be
positive that you will obtain those goals.
Part of being positive, though, is to be realistic.
By
unknown
When I cannot handle any worries or pressures or it becomes
a burden I say a short prayer and cast that burden unto
Jesus and let Him take care of it.
I then feel free afterwards and whatever happens or going to
happen, I know he will have my welfare at heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): i think u have to try to believ in your BF more. i think u had a bad experience in the past and u can't let it go. but u have to give your BF a bit space.
If u can't trust your BF then i don't think your relationchip gonna last a long time. I mean i broke up w my BF because he was jealous. and he tried to excuse himself with the word love. how can u love someone if u can't trust him?????
girl, u gotta change yourself, i know it will be hard, but do it for your relationship
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (4 April 2008):
LIERIN is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for our help especially Namatjira - I will def look for "self-defeating behavior" online and will see what it brings!
Another person was asking me if I had any bad experience in the past...unfortunately all my past relationships were HORRIBLE! I was always soooo good and trusted every single word those guys told me .. and I was always cheated on, beated up .. etc ... I builded this big wall inside of me to protect myself, cause I didnt want to get hurt again .. and I stopped trusting people (not only men).
But now, I know this man I am with right now, is the best that could ever possibly be with! I love him sooo much. I dont want to push him away, and I will do anything there is to make him happy.
And you all are right ... thx LJ001 ... from now on
"Paranoid and worried and paranoid".
Lierin
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Just be happy he doesn't do what my boyfriend does.
He feels the need to brag about past sexual encounters in front of me or to me often. I DO NOT want to know what position they liked, what they begged for, what they were willing to do, that they had better bodies than me (which he has told me to my face), what faces they made or who else was in the room when they did it. That's plain rude and disgusting. I know he has a past, I do not need to know the intimate details. If he truly cared, he would understand that that makes me uncomfortable and not to do it anymore instead of taking it as a character flaw of mine and doing it more often.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): "Paranoid and worried and paranoid". Sorry! Clearly my brain and fingers are against each other this afternoon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Jeez, thats exactly what I do :] my bf tells me he's going out with some guys, and I'm like, AAH! WHAT! But it passes, honestly. You've just got to tell yourself that if he liked someone else, he'd be with them. But he's with you. Try and forget about it, trust him. It will take a little while, but it honestly does get better. Now, I'm still a bit on edge when he says he's going out. But he'll love you a lot more if you're relaxed with it. He's not going to want a girlfriend thats always up tight and strict! So he's going to be more attracted to you and wanting to stay with you if you're cool about it. Getting paranoid and worried and paranoid will only drive him away. Keep telling yourself this, and it worked for me :]
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (4 April 2008):
Have you been like this with previous boyfriends? Was there some event in the past that gave you reason to lose trust (in him or anyone else)?
Before you can fix it you have to understand where it came from. What you describe is called "a self defeating behaviour" and is an almost reflex reaction that as you say is very difficult to intercept before it starts.
There are techniques though. Try searching your local book store or online using the phrase "self-defeating behavior".
If I can help further let me know.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 April 2008):
 this happens because you actively choose to let your feelings control you. when you feel annoyed instead of coping with them ,and accepting that they are not productive, you think "right if only i can push these feelings on my boyfriend i will be happy again". well you wont. if you were my girlfriend i would not tolerate this adult form of childs tantrum at all.
when children have a tantrum they make lots of random noise and talk senseless gibberish, and then look at things and see how things turned out and assume that in order for things to turn out how they did the noise must be repeated every time. this is what you are doing.
your poor boyfriend goes out on his own and you shout some meaningless crap that gives you a short release for a minute or two, then when he comes back, you explain it in your mind as "those shouty noises caused the outcome i wanted therefore to get this outcome again i must make those noises". this logic is faulty
its like the aztecs killing human sacrifices to keep the sun from leaving. How much more of your boyfriends happiness will you sacrifce to make the sun come back?
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A
female
reader, Alethia  +, writes (4 April 2008):
Dear Miss Jealous
You should be happy and confident with the person you are. If you compare yourself to others, you will always be vain, bitter and jealous, for there will always be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements and the wonderful person that you are with the great qualities that you possess. Your BF loves, and chooses to be with you, not with another woman, because there are other qualities apart from the way you look that draws him to you. There may be other beautiful woman when he does go out, but he loves you and you hold other qualities about you that he loves, thus why he chooses to be with you.
A relationship is also built on trust. If you feel strongly that you do not trust your partner, then you seriously need to cut your losses and move on, and find someone that you completely trust.
With relationships, each partner also needs their own time to do things without the other, this makes for a sane, long-term relationship. When he goes out and if you might be at home that night, then you go out to with your friends and have a great time. People need space. It does not mean that you don't love each other, but being with someone constantly is a sure disaster.
You also need to control your temper. There are homeopathic calming pills that can assist with this. Before you go off at him in a tantrum, take a moment to think about what you are going to say. It is highly advised that you start trying to control your temper...the rest will follow and you will be much happier and have a long, forever-lasting relationship.
Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 April 2008):
 If you don't want to lose him, then get rid of that jealousy, to me it's as simple as that.
Now, think about it... you will kick yourself so hard if he suddenly turned round and said, "Sod this for a laugh, I don't need her going into one every time I want to go anywhere ~ i'm out of this relationship" It would devestate you, am I right, or am I right? Men hate it when their women are questioning their every move.
By showing him your jealousy ~ you are also showing him there's no trust in your relatioinship. Now behave and stop thinking the worst.
Take care hon.
Luv BigSis xXx
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