A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Need help ending a relationship.Even thought marriage counselor looked at me and said "do not start a new relationship" when my divorce started I did.The person was wonderful and supportive and sweet and I can say nothing but nice about her. Problem is I feel I need to be alone. I have things I need to fix with me and being with another person masks these things. I also feel that after some time alone I want to date others. 12 year failed marriage I don't think jumping into next possible relationship is wise.We have been dating for 2 years. I will see her this week. We have dinner together once during the week.I am wondering how to handle this. I'll drive to her place and she will come to the door. Is that the best time? Just blurt it out and get it over with? Turn and head home after a sincere explaination?I don't think I should go in and eat and pretend nothing is wrong only to drop the bomb after eating.Thoughts? This is really hard for me as she is a nice person and has done nothing wrong and will really be crushed. I almost need this to be scripted for me.Help please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe does deserve more than a drive by breakup. And I will not do that. I will explain and listen patiently. I have never done this and am very uncomfortable being the bearer of bad news.I need to work on me for a bit. I find that dating someone allows me to bury my problems and focus on the relationship knowing full well I am not 100%. How can I be happy long term with someone if I am not happy on my own? That is what I am going to tell her and that is what I am going to work on. Being happy where I am in life with myself, kids, job, interests, hobbies, friends, something I have not been in many many years. Since my marriage I lost most of my friends, gave up my hobbies, lost my religion and never developed my career. I think it is time to focus on me.
A
male
reader, TeardropsOnMyGuitar  +, writes (29 April 2013):
I disagree with anon. Your heart is not in it so at minimum you need a break.One interesting thing though is that you are clearly not very good at discussing and resolving problems/conflict. This weakness has the power to screw up all and every relationship you'll embark on.I can see you'd like to have a 'drive by break up' or perhaps hire someone to do the nasty job for you. Come on, admit it! Coming back here and giving us an honest answer to this would be a first step to learning to resolve problems.Personally... if your girlfriend and you can't talk openly about your relationship hitting a stale patch then maybe you two don't have the chemistry to resolve problems.I don't encourage you to stay with her but you are motivated to cut and run because of your fear of her reaction.The irony is that these things you need to work on (I'll bet) require another person to work on them with. Being single is easy.Doc Phil says you need to work your way out of a relationship. This is some territory where you would benefit greatly. I'm not saying stay with her. I'm saying that she's deserving of some say even if you decide that what she has to say is not convincing.I don't know any books on breaking up - there needs to be more on dating and breaking up. I think this is an opportunity for you to grow so that future relationships are better.Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): Well, if you really want to do it the sooner the both of you can move on ,but you might not realize, right now, that you are more in love with her then you realize. Some times you find out your love is a lot deeper then you think. So you might want just to take a break , not a complete break up, cause you feel about what happened in your last relationship an if you loose her now, you might fall all apart cause you are more in love with her, two years is a long time just make sure before you hurt both of you, really think hard before you do it, she is a women an their is a lot of guy's out their looking for a women like her, be careful, you can loose her for good.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (29 April 2013):
 Hi
By ending it your being cruel to be kind.No you shouldn't have jumped right in but what's done is done.
I would tell her when you get there,face to face,inside, and then leave.Or better still meet her before then because the sooner the better and she doesn't need to be looking forward to your night and cooking for no reason.
Yes she will be crushed but if your certain its what you want it's better to end it and have a clean break.
Just explain you don't see a future and apologise,then go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): I don't think you should drop the bombshell on the door step and then bolt. I think you should ask to go in because you need to "talk", have a discussion on the sofa rather the dinner table. Start of with "there's something i need to tell you, I feel things not working out, need to be on my own for a while, you haven't done anything wrong, you have meant a lot to me, last two years have been great but i've got issues i need to work on" etc etc etc. Let her cry, get angery and ask all the questions she feels she needs to as you said she has done nothing wrong. So does deserve being dumpt in a respectful manner, not a drop the news and dash kind of thing (especially after a two year relationship). You have had time to think about it, she has not so you need to give her the time to think whilst explaining all this to her.
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