A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:DesperateI need an advise for my daughter who is married with four children, my daughter and her husband works five days a week. They been living in a one bedroom apartment and one big dog since my first grandchild was born 6 1/2 years ago, they been living there every time i visit the apartment is a hot mess, food all over the kitchen, garbage, clothes, etc. I know my daughter has been wanting to move for awhile now. But her husband doesn't put no mind to it, it's like he doesn't want to move at all, about a year ago he starts to go to church but out of the seven days of the week he's only home two, unless the church calls him to go do something for them. My daughter doesn't go to his church because she has different believes, she has gone with him a couple of times just to please him. I know she is stressed out because her husband is never home and doesn't put an effort in moving to a bigger place, he says jesus is coming soon to repent and other stuff that i don't feel comfortable saying. My daughter pays rent and bills by herself. I just want to know how can a person be serving god and have his family living in a filthy place. I don't understand, i pray all the time for them especially for my grandkids which don't want to be in there home cause now they have little squeaky animal in there home. I cry and pray so much for them. But every year is the same they're moving out. That all i hear my daughter say but nothing happens. I hope and pray i could help more. Thank you and god bless. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2015): There is no explanation as to what kind of church her husband attends; and why he is spending so much time there, that he is neglecting his children, wife, and their home?
Sounds like he's caught-up in religious fanaticism. Going to his church and asking the minister for help may be a good idea; but will embarrass her husband who will no doubt come up with a lot of convenient excuses and religious rationalizations. They're not supposed to care about material things. They're supposed to have their faith to live on.
The marriage is deteriorating, and a messy home is often a sign of mental-health issues and depression. Lots of people have big dogs, and several children; but keep a clean house. You wash the dishes after the meal, your put things away, and you clean the house daily. There's something going on with both the parents; and my guess is they've got more kids than they can handle. Her husband is looking for an escape from his responsibilities. They both are poor house-keepers and a bigger place will only mean a bigger mess.
Your prayers will be answered; but it wouldn't hurt for you to sit down and have a talk with your daughter. You stand aside and criticize. How about giving a helping hand?
Get on the phone and call together some family members and go help clean up the house one weekend. Take the kids out for a day, and spend the day helping your daughter. Then sit the two of them down; and suggest to them that children living in filthy conditions is a matter child protection authorities can fix, if they can't. Yes, you have to let them know that you are willing to go that far.
They both need a rude awakening. Those children deserve a healthy and clean environment. Working is no excuse for either of them to leave the place a mess. You worked and raised your own family. Was your home in disarray because of it? Having a larger place may be a financial burden if they have four kids; but keeping a house clean is a necessity for the sake of good health. Someday neighbors or the landlord are going to take notice, and something will be done about it.
I don't care who pays the bills. They both should clean the house, do the laundry and dishes; and those kids should be raised in a spanking clean apartment. It's not that big, according to you. So what's your daughter's problem, if he's all caught-up in church matters?
There are issues to be dealt with, and those two need to realize that if they don't clean up their act and get things in order; those children will be taken away from all of you! So call your kin together and do an intervention.
All talk and no action is why those kids sit in a pile of dirty dishes and a messy home. Their parents are suffering from mental-health issues. Though they may be functional enough to hold down jobs, they are not fulfilling their responsibility to give their children a clean and healthy environment. Something tells me these people are recovering addicts or alcoholics. You've left out a lot of details.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2015):
 Okay, now having read YouWish's advice, I want to second hers most fervently.
"meet with the pastor of his church and explain that she needs his help in keeping the house clean"
Unless you are so terrified by this church for some reason? You did write "her husband is never home and doesn't put an effort in moving to a bigger place, he says jesus is coming soon to repent and other stuff that i don't feel comfortable saying."
Why wouldn't you feel comfortable saying that?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2015):
Let me just double check one thing, you said your first grandchild was born 6 1/2 years ago... they have 4 children.... doing the math (which I'm horrible at) suggests she has that 6 1/2 year old, then a 5 year old, then a 3 1/2 year old then a 1 year old? Something like that?
If she's the sole bill-payer and caretaker and isn't part of his religious sect? Why is she staying? My guess is that she's completely exhausted and just getting by day to day.
How can a person serving god have his family living in a filthy place? My guess is that he's mentally ill, based on his actions I'd assume he's not a competent person capable of taking care of his children.
I see by your comments that you are a prayerful person. That's a lovely thing but at a certain point, I would say that you need to take positive action to protect the health and well-being of 4 children who are under the age of 7. They cannot advocate for themselves nor are they aware that there might be a problem here.
That famous agony aunt, you know, the one who used to say "wake up and smell the coffee?" I think she'd be telling you to stop trying the prayer answer, and crying. That's not going to help those dependent children in any way.
Perhaps if she is this stressed and you are this stressed about that then it's time to report the neglect and abuse? I think that's not the best choice as that gets these kids into a whole new system.
I'd galvanize your side of the family to help your daughter find and move into more suitable accommodation. I'd make sure she's got her birth control access sorted.
If you are able to help her out, I'd make sure that the sanitary conditions are taken care of for the children, but at the same time, that they aren't endangered by living in filth.
The bottom line awful choice is to report their deplorable living conditions to social workers. Which would be the absolutely last choice.
One thought is that as both your daughter and her husband work 5 days a week, that their children are in some sort of day care or with a babysitter? I'd become very familiar with that situation.
I do rather think that your son in law has a mental illness. Why else would he allow his children to live in filth and be neglected in this way? He may appear to be religious but his actions don't match his faith so that's a key sign of a problem. Just because some professes a faith doesn't make them a good parent or partner.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 September 2015):
 Heh, if I were her, I would meet with the pastor of his church and explain that she needs his help in keeping the house clean. I would suspect that this guy is going to the church for more than just God, especially if he's gotten blatant about avoiding home life and having sudden "the church needs me" moments.
I'd be wondering what the other woman's name is! I've been to church many times, and unfortunately, while I've seen many women go to church to serve it, usually a guy going to church a lot WITHOUT his wife and kids is going there because he's interested in another woman. Of course there are men who go to church to serve God, but in 100% of those true cases, all the guys I've known are adamant in bringing his wife and children there, ESPECIALLY his children. For him to be disappearing to the church all the time without a single thought to bringing the children "to experience God's teaching and discipleship" has morals and motives that are questionable and suspicious to me. I've seen that happen too...I even had to dismiss two people from church because of inappropriate relationships, one permanently because the girl of his interest was underage, and the other who nearly lost his wife until they eventually reconciled.
Don't think about the house yet. The mess, yes. No kids should be brought up in squalor. A clean orderly house is part of good hygiene. But I've seen people like this husband too many times to think that there isn't more going on. He may not be going with her because she's not a "believer", but if he was a true and pure follower, he'd stop at nothing to get his kids there every time the door opened. I know, because when I was a kid, I was *that* kid.
Do some research on just what it is your husband is up to! Let me know what you find out, okay?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 September 2015):
 One thing i having a small home, another... is the filth. If your daughter is the one taking care of the bills (rent and such) why doesn't SHE find a bigger place and inform the husband that look, I have found a bigger place the home we have is too small for 6 people and big dog. He can move with her or not.
As for the filth... well, having some daily routines makes all the difference. Even if she works full time, having a clean home is not that hard. Maybe help her get started, declutter her home with her. Her husband on the other hand is probably not home much because he CHOOSES not to be. So it's not like she can count on him for help, which means... she needs to take matters into her own hands when it comes to moving into a bigger place and keeping the house clean.
At least that is what I would do.
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