A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I think I made a mistake in coming out as bi. It's done nothing but bring me trouble. I thought I'd be welcomed with open arms by the LGBTQIA community but they're more rude to me than the evangelical ppl who tell me how wrong I am. I have not acted on it. I have not had the opportunity. I tried talking to girls online but I think they were either men pretending to be girls or girl predators saying they had some 10" black dildo waiting for me. That defeats the point! One of the main reasons I came out as bi was to get a support group in case my parents decided to make me move home if they found out and to get experience with a girl to see if I like it. I have done oral with one guy and I hated it. I tried sex but he couldn't get in because I was too tense. We tried twice. So guys aren't for me because I never even liked kissing guys because I think it's weird. Erections scare me and gross me out. I've had crushes on guys but my friends back home always ruined it by trying to set me up with them. Then once we were a couple my crush disappeared and I hated getting physical. I tried not having a boyfriend but was told I needed one bc I wasn't the kind of girl to just date people. Why not though? If I'm just dating, I don't have to get physical because I can say I don't want to unless I'm in a relationship. But that never works. No one's taken me on a proper date. I want to properly date a girl first to see if I'm attracted to her and then be her girlfriend but not tell anyone till I'm sure. I'm just talking about oral. No more. But I don't know how to approach girls to talk or flirt and the only ones to like me are sorta man like. Sorry, don't know how else to explain. Even the girly ones have a man like personality and that defeats the point. Also, guys think it's ok to talk sex stuff about girls around me and watch porn and I hate that, it makes me feel gross. They say I'm just posing. No, I really don't like anything guy except crushes and those get ruined. What doi do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2023): You have a choice of doing whatever you like, whether seeking opinion from a personal perspective, or professional. No-one here has any right to call anyone a loser or presume you to be immature; and yet claim themselves a therapist. This is just an advice forum, not a mental-health clinic. If opinions don't help you, you have the commonsense and intelligence to find help as you need it.
For the sake of argument, anyone online can claim to be a "professional therapist" anonymously; because there is no way to verify that. If you feel you need a therapist of any kind; that's your choice. You came here to vent, and seek opinions. You got a couple of "unprofessional" opinions. Even unprofessional opinions from those with wisdom and experience is helpful.
My last comment on this matter. OP, I trust you know that you may seek help from whatever source you like. It's not an irresponsible shortcut, or a poor reflection on who you are as a person. You don't have to pay a therapist for everything; sometimes you just need to know how others addressed similar issues, or seek the empathy and understanding of those who've been in your shoes. That's why DC is here. Otherwise, you can see a therapist if you feel no-one else has been of any help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2023): Believe me, a sex therapist and mental health therapist would help you a great deal with regards to sex, relationships, people etc. I am not sure how someone who has never become a qualified therapist themselves could judge this, I've been a therapist - full time - for many, many years. I would not have the audacity to give an opinion on this if I were not qualified and experienced in it.
This is not a criticism, the whole idea of you coming here is supposed to be to get helpful advice. Not just platitudes, telling you what you want to hear or agreeing with you and soft soaping you.
Some who give advice here cannot sort out their own lives. Some are hypocrites. I am neither of these. Maybe you are new to this site but I can assure you this is the case with any forum that allows anyone and everyone to give an opinion and does not pay professionals. And of course there are no forums for professionals because most professionals never work for free.
Of course you can skip the idea of hiring a professional who can help you, but then you are the loser. You are the one who is still floundering and making mistakes and asking amateurs who are out of their depth years later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2023): BTW, you are not immature; and your questions and remarks don't necessarily indicate you need a therapist. If you feel you are feeling anxiety or emotional distress which makes it difficult for you to cope; then by all means, consult a mental-health specialist. Whether you work and can afford one, is nobody's business but yours, OP. If you don't like my response to your question, that's your prerogative. You have every right to ignore it, or express what you don't like about it. As long as you maintain a respectful tone. No-one here feels superior; we are here because we've experienced practically everything our readers write us about. You can vent and express yourself here, and if you don't like opinions, ignore them all if you like.
Have a happy and prosperous New Year!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2023): We don't criticize the advice of responders to posts here at DC. There are different perspectives on all topics, and people with negative attitudes and hurtful speech are not welcome here. i.e. Anonymous female reader.
No-one here professes to offer professional advice, and will suggest professional consultation when warranted. Sometimes posters are only looking for comfort and advice from a personal perspective. Mean-spirited criticisms and nasty attitudes are common online these days; but DC will do our best to treat posters with kindness and respect. That doesn't mean we won't call-out certain behaviors that need attention; but we don't attack religion, condone hate-speech, or online trolls. If you don't like a certain response, ignore it. It may benefit some other reader.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2023): I think you made a mistake in coming out when you did, you weren't/aren't ready. I did the same thing when I was young and had similar experiences. As it turns out, I'm *drumroll* asexual. My reason for coming out as bi was because it "didn't sound as bad" as coming out as gay. I didn't like "getting physical" with guys either but when I did try it with women (after lying and pretending to have experience), it turned out I didn't like it either. Only problem was that I kept trying. I, too, had men think that it was okay to sexualize other women around me just because I claimed to like girls. Deep down, it was sexuality that bothered me. Getting hit or or come into by "butch" or "tomboyish" girls upset me too! I wanted a quiet, meek, submissive, reserved church girl! Exactly the girl I was taught to be! I was put off by any female (even as friends) who didn't act/look that way. You know what I thought I wanted from men? Friendship. You know what I really wanted? To have a perpetual giggle-blush crush that was reciprocated and went... nowhere past that. Very unrealistic. I couldn't get that from females and no wonder! Females aren't going to give each other that kind of attention unless they're attracted to you and I wondered why they were so standoffish! It was because they were just as sheltered as I had been and even more ignorant! Even in 2006 when I was 18 and trying to come out, most people around me honestly believed that lesbians wanted to be men and all gay people were potential pedophiles! If anything about "sodomites" was mentioned in church, the youth-feed (up through high school) was shut off and the person was condemned and told to stay away. They wanted to REMAIN that ignorant! That's what I was up against in coming out, even in this "modern world". That's how it still is in small town Nebraska. I'm not sure where you're from but I'm betting it's similar?
Coming out should happen when you have support FIRST. You maybe tell a close friend, "I don't want a boyfriend because there's no guy I like that way". Then you curb the flirting! You keep your little crushes to yourself!
From what you've said, you're not really attracted to men, but you're really not attracted to women either! You don't even know how to talk, let alone flirt and any female who's tried it with you made you very uncomfortable!
I'm not telling you what you are, but everything you've said just screams asexual or late bloomer. Nothing wrong with that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2023): You need to learn that there are sleazy guys and decent guys and how to tell one from the other. Most girls have figured all this out in their teens. It is a learning curve and the last thing you do is believe what they tell you and assume they are being honest. I love you often means I fancy sex and you will do. I think you are terrific often means I fancy sex and you will do. Many guys would be happy to jump onto any woman who lets them, with no thought to them, no consideration to them, no love or friendship for them, just for sex, but they also know that if they tell the truth and admit it the woman will walk away so they lie. Men can see sex as a purely physical act. Remember that a guy can phone a massage parlour/brothel and ask who is on duty tonight.
The receptionist will say we have Crystal who has a huge pair of tits and is very broadminded, or Scarlet who is shapely and loves anal or whatever. This is all a sales pitch to get a customer who pays them money. These women are only obliging these men because it is how they earn their living. Guys are not keen on going there because it costs them money , so if they find a good looking young naive and easy to fool woman they get her to give them the same for free. This is the sort of guy you will often find in a chat room or forum, they are fishing for a naive woman who they can talk about sex to so that they can masturbate while they chat to her. Most of these guys will not tell you their real age, or that they are married or that they are total losers with no hope of getting a girlfriend, they tell you what you want to hear and leave out the bits that can scare you off. I am only here to get free sex would scare you off so they leave that bit out. Remember too that a lot of people will lie through their teeth. Pretending to be a woman if they think you prefer women when they are really a man. They do not give a toss about you, only wanting you to relieve them of their frustration on their terms with no cost financially. Some will try to get your phone number or address etc all in the hope of sex.
But they might say they are asking for some other reason.
You need to wise up and be less naive. Less trusting.
Whether you are bi or straight it is essential.
Your parents cannot do this for you. They cannot hold your hand every step of the way every time you engaged with others. You do it. You learn as you go along. You become more adult as you go along. Everyone has hurt, everyone gets upset sometimes, everyone gets a chancer or predator try it on sometimes, nobody can be expected to watch out for you all the time and stop it for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2023): Typo correction:
"He even provides the means [to] be obedient."
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2023): This will be lengthy. It's a topic parents may not be comfortable discussing; or may not be equipped to address, if they are straight. They may reject it, and refuse to discuss it at all. So I will, if you will indulge me. It may be too much for you, but could help someone else out there.
Coming-out should be a slow and progressive process. People feel compelled to jump out of the closet waving the gay flag and marching down Main Street in parades; because so many other gay people have done it. In life, you choose your own path; you don't have to follow the footsteps or the means and methods others have chosen. You are unique, and have your own identity. You were born an individual, and you'll die one! Life is not the same for everyone, and outcomes will differ...as you've seen for yourself!
Sometimes confused people are told that they're not being true to themselves; unless they go hard, and spring it on the world. Use shock-effect to make a point. Some end-up injured or dead. The world is regressing, and you have to use your commonsense. Outcomes are unpredictable. It seriously depends on where you live in the world; and how conservative the ideology of society is around you. There is no "one-size fits-all" approach conducive to exposing yourself as a homosexual. People often pretend to be "accepting" out of political correctness; but deep-down inside, they may hold the deepest contempt or loathing for you.
The reality is, not everyone who wants to come out is mentally and psychologically prepared to deal with the pushback and persecution that sometimes comes with it.
Some people never had the choice, but to come out; because their behavior or mannerisms has given them away. Even as school-children, people are scrutinizing you for being different; and busy checking-off their bigotry-list according to gay stereotypes and tropes. You're pegged a "fag" or "lesbian" from day one; usually while still in grade school! Many times the accusers are way off the mark, and what they believe isn't the case at all! True or otherwise, it's none of their business; and they have no right to decide who you are, and how you should be treated. I could use a string of expletives here, but I won't.
Coming out to the world is different for everyone. Everyone doesn't always know for sure exactly what their sexual-orientation is, or may just be temporarily confused. It's my personal-opinion, that children under the age of 16 can believe what they think they are; but they will not know until they are at least 18, at the minimum. Many say they always knew; but until you've had sex with someone of the same-sex, it was a lucky guess. Some tried, and determined, it wasn't anything like they had hoped. That's human nature!
Our modern-world has kids deciding they're gay, or changing their gender-identity at five or six years-old. They don't have a clue what they're talking about; and their little minds are not even developed or matured enough to know what gender really means. Even if they can intellectually define what gay is. If you've never had sex with someone of the same-sex; you are not affirmed or confirmed, because you could determine you hate sex altogether! If you are attracted to people of the same-sex, wait until you can base your conclusions and determinations on facts and experience. Just saying you are, doesn't confirm you are. There are kids out there just following the trends and claiming they're binary; just from what they've seen on social media. It goes deeper than that! They have no idea what they're talking about! Even if it eventually is found to be true.
If you're uncomfortable with guys in romantic or sexual situations, and can't seem to be emotionally and physically attracted to them; perhaps you're not bisexual. It's safer to declare you're leaning towards female-to-female attraction; but you haven't had sex. You may not like that either. Your sexual-orientation at this point and time is yet to be determined. Although you may know what your proclivities or inclinations may be. You have plenty of time to establish your true nature, and rushing often places people where you are now. I warn young-people time and time again. Stop listening to people who are bold enough to throw everything about them out into world, before they are prepared for the consequences. They don't know for sure how they will handle the reactions of family, and the public; or how to protect themselves from those who would mean them harm.
First-off, lets clear the air of this mythical-notion that the LGBTQ+ community is out there waiting for you with open-arms, and ready to gleefully welcome you into the fold. Back in the day, that was never the case for me; and over the years, I've yet to see it to be the reality. People were attracted to my outer-appearance; but didn't genuinely care for me as a person. People are people, and your sexual-orientation doesn't necessarily mean you're automatically good or bad, or accepted; whether gay, straight, or somewhere in-between.
There are cliques and snobs in gay-life. Many are narcissistic and conceited, and totally superficial. Looks are all that's important. Many are rude and prejudiced towards older gay-people. They set-up subcultures, defining each-other as fem, butch, or straight-appearing. You have to fit a "type;" or they might discriminate against people they consider overweight, plain, too effeminate, or too old. Don't get it twisted, because it's not just straight-people who will persecute you. There's plenty of hypocrisy and discrimination within the gay-community itself. Been there, and seen it!
For now, if you feel it's best for you; don't over-emphasize or reveal your sexual-orientation to others, until you've established trust. Know for certain how they feel about you as a person, apart from your sexual-orientation. Not everyone who identifies as gay is a friend; just because they may share things in common. Not everyone is going to be sincere about how they feel about you; so you just might need to be discrete, and read the room. Gay-people can be very petty and cruel to each-other. That is a fact!
Don't feel discouraged. It is always hard to meet the first person who is attracted to you with sincerity, or to the same degree you may be attracted to them. That's a fact, regardless of your sexual-orientation. Some hit the ground running; while others may take awhile to find someone they like. Hopefully, someone who likes them back and in the same way. You have to be patient about that; and the reality is, you may have little choice but to be patient. Even if you find someone who likes you immediately; you don't know how long that will last, or how much they truly care for you. In the real-world, you have be cautious, use commonsense, be patient, and know who you can trust; before you reveal all there is to know about you. Be strong enough to accept rejection; and to persevere, even when people refuse to respect and validate you. Know there are always those who will oppose you; but you have to live-on. Regardless of those who openly hate, or attempt to persecute you. Only God has the right to judge you!
Now about religion.
The Bible and God's rules are distinct and inflexible. You either follow them, or you don't. You don't get to argue with the Creator, He writes His rules, and He gives you a choice to accept or reject them.
He gives you the freedom of choice, and He offers His rules and consequences according to His will. He is God, and we may not like His rules and commandments. If we decide we don't; we don't get the chance, or have the power, to challenge Him about it.
If you were God, or a queen, you'd probably do the same, when ruling over your kingdom. Someday, if you have children, you'll want them to obey your rules; and you may inflict harsh punishment if they don't. You won't let them run your house, or speak to you any which way they please. Hence, the Master and Creator of the Universe has written His rules in a Holy Book, the Bible. Believe, or don't believe. God gives us the choice to live according to what the Book says; or do whatever it is we wish. Except doing harm to those He claims as His own. He will intervene harshly. Like any king, or a queen; He rules with a sovereign iron fist. What the king or queen says, goes; and disobedience to their commands are met with dire consequences. Even death! If a judge lays down a ruling, you must follow it; according to the law, and his or her authority. If not, you are held in contempt; or you may end-up in jail, with twice the time you may have originally been given. Why do we accept such authority coming from another human being? If you're rich enough, you probably won't these days!
You either live for Him, or you live for yourself. That's a choice He has given to us. Like it, or not. There are things you'll never bend on, you may never compromise on. Being God gives Him all the power to make rules, and the right to hand down His judgement. Like a judge, the president, a king, or a dictator; and anyone with power over the lives and the fate of humanity. We obey the laws of mankind, to avoid punishment or imprisonment. People who believe in God live according to His rules, to avoid punishment and hell. That's how it goes. God loves and repeatedly forgives people to a fault; because He has supernatural patience with us. He defines certain human-behaviors as sin. He gives us the free will to avoid sin, or practice whatever we wish. He even provides the means be obedient. It's called grace! He forgives us when we are sorry and penitent; but He knows all things in-advance, and expects us to repeat our mistakes several times over. His divine patience, however is not infinite; though His mercy is. A ruler governs by establishing laws, edits, and commands over his or her people; in order to maintain order. He is God, and that is that! No further explanation is required.
You can live as you feel you must. Other humans don't get to judge you, or decide your fate. Although they don't have a right to; they will certainly try, as surely as you breathe air! We have to put-up with people; even when we don't know if they love or hate us. Don't blame God for the bad-behavior of people who falsely identify themselves Christians, but don't reflect the ways of Jesus Christ; or evangelicals, who go about their lives busy judging and setting "religious" rules for others, they may not even follow themselves. God decides what's right or wrong, He never left that up to mankind. We just presumed to scrutinize, judge, or criticize other people on our own.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 December 2022):
 I think, perhaps you should wait a while before trying ANYTHING sexual. You are in the 18-21 age group so there IS absolutely no hurry to have sex.
I don't know where you meet people that you have had interactions with but it's obviously NOT where you should be looking.
Do you have hobbies? Are you in college/uni/high school?
I'd say try and meet people and get to know them a bit BEFORE going on dates and definitely DO NOT try sex (that includes oral) until you feel ready.
You are NOT going to be everyone's cup of tea and not everyone is going to be yours either.
Take your time. What is the hurry here?
As for the LGBT+ "community" - I'd skip that for now. Get to know people, figure out what YOU like in a partner, what YOU have to offer as a person, not some label.
To me, you just sound NOT READY for a relationship that includes sex. And nothing wrong with that.
"Also, guys think it's ok to talk sex stuff about girls around me and watch porn and I hate that, it makes me feel gross. "
Well, those are the kind of guys you stay away from. Personally, If someone (guy OR girl) started to watch porn around me, I'd get my happy ass up and leave.
But like I mentioned, you need to figure out what you are actually looking for in a partner and WHAT you have to offer (in terms of your personality, not sexually).
Do I think you need a sex therapist? No.
Every one matures at different paces. You might be a little slower than average but that is perfectly fine. Because there is NO HURRY to have sex or a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2022): You consult a sex therapist - you are very immature and for your age lack experience and need professional help. Forget about asking amateurs here, you will either get judged by someone who is obsessed with religion and rights and wrongs or be listening to someone who has no idea at all of what it is like to be you or have your problem. They may mean well but some only reply because it makes them feel smart and superior rather than because they understand and can help. If you are old enough to date then you are old enough to work and earn money so that you can pay a proper sex therapist for the help you need. Don't try to cut corners with things which are important, there is no such thing as a free lunch.
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