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I love my mistress, but she doesn't want me to leave my wife for her.

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 October 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 15 December 2008)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am 27 years old and have been married nearly 7 years, so yes that means I got married when I was 20. After our daughter was born my wife kind of emotionally checked out of our relationship, she held unforgivness towards me for things that were not my fault yet she blamed me for our bad financial situation and her unmet dreams for her life. The truth was we both being young walked into marriage blindly. After about 3 years of emotional tourture and heartbreak I really thought she didn't love me anymore so I was tired of trying and getting nowhere so I stoped caring. Then I stared working with this girl who has now been my girlfriend for almost two years now. She would listen to me and made me feel good about myself, we both knew we liked each other but fought it for a while but now we have a full blown relationship. We love each other and know we would be together if I wasn't married. She has a boyfriend too, who is a complete jerk and treats her good sometimes but most of the time dosen't care about her feeling. So you see how we both compensated for each others relationships. Now after the relationship started I really checked out emotionally from my marriage, the way I felt with my mistress I had never felt with my wife, she made me feel like a man when my wife acted like my mother and made me feel like a child. But about 3 months into it my wife relized somthing was wrong, she asked me if I was cheating, I said No but told her how I felt and how I just didn't know if I could love her anymore after how she treated me for 3 years. Faced with the reality that she had turned me away she started trying like she never did before, she actually acted like she loved me but that only made me more mad because now I had found love and couldn't give it up, she made feel like I never knew I could feel before, I got married so young and didn't know I could love someone like I love her. So then my mistress backed off from me for a while b/c of guilt she had but we still worked together and kissed when we could. So during this time of about 4 months I tried, I forgave my wife and "loved" her the best I could now. Things were better but it's only b/c I put on this show. Then in the last 6 months my relationship with my mistress has gotten more and more serious, I want to be with her and get very emotional about it at times, I have difficlty living with the two lives I live. I told my mistress I would leave my wife but she dosen't want me to b/c she dosen't want to be the reason I end my marriage, she askes me why I can't love my wife and her. She says if my wife was out of the picture she would want to be with me and I believe her but I don't understand why if she loves me and wants to be with me she wouldn't want me to leave my wife. And what should I do? I'm so confused and my heart just aches thinking about not being with the person I love.

View related questions: has a boyfriend, mistress, she has a boyfriend

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A male reader, johnnygixxer Canada +, writes (15 December 2008):

I understand your dilema and the feelings involved but it is all your doing. Don't blame your wife because there is no excuse for an affair. Your 'mistress' wants the excitement and not your baggage. Simple as that! Neither of you are being fair to each other and you certainly are not being fair to your wife and child. Your mistress provided a need for you initially(a listening ear) that your wife was not providing at the time and this eventually led to an affair. It's easy to love someone when there is no stress in the relationship(like marriage issues, bills, kids, etc). This is a 'me first' attitude, don't blame it on getting married young. Honesty is the best policy and you will never be truly happy with ANYONE if you don't communicate HONESTLY about how you feel. It's easy to talk with your mistress, she will tell you what you want to hear and you likewise. You probably did not try hard enough with your wife to tell her deep down how you feel about your marriage. Most people always blame the other mate without truly looking at their own shortcomings. You may lose both, which is why you are scared to reveal the affair. If your wife wants to work it out, there is only one way to do this right:

1. NEVER see or communicate with your mistress(it's either one or the other, you can't have both) which may mean change your job or move to another city. You are ADDICTED to her like a drug and you will need time to get over her. See your mistress once even a year later and you could likely relapse. You may not initially respond to your wife's affections, this is normal. It will take time but effort on both parts will pay off. You owe your child your best effort to stay together(trust me, your next relationship will suffer with an ex CONSTANTLY in the picture because of your child)

2. Be completely honest with your wife if you had a relapse, even things like texting and emails(which is usually how it escalates). Never hide anything like e-mail account passwords, Facebook etc. It's much harder to cheat when you know your spouse will find out. It will help your wife AND yourself to move on emotionally and put this behind you.

3. Lastly, find out what you AND your wife's top 5 emotional needs are. We ALL have different needs(affection, companionship, sex, good conversation, recreational friendship to name a few) Write them down and openly talk about these needs and work hard to meet them every single day:)

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A female reader, deejuliet United States +, writes (23 October 2008):

deejuliet agony auntShe gets to have all the fun without any of the responsibility. That is why she doesnt want you to leave your wife. If you left for her than the two of you would have to have a proper relationship. It would not be all fun and intrigue. It would be mundane and involve laundry and taking out the garbage. Why give up the fantasy to have to deal with reality?

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A male reader, Beery United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2008):

Beery agony auntTo be brutally honest, what a baby you are! "Boo-hoo - I got married too young so I got frustrated and started seeing someone else who's also a cowardly baby like me who can't take any responsibility for her life decisions. Now I'm getting pressured from both sides!"

Honestly, grow up! There are two solutions to your problem:

1. Dump your mistress, admit to your wife that you've been having an affair and hope she forgives you.

2. Leave your wife so that she can find a REAL adult partner AND leave your mistress, then wait until you've become an adult before pursuing adult relationships.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008):

She would obviously be overwhelmed with guilt, she doesn't want to be the reason to end a marriage and leave kids with divorced parents,and she doesn't want to be hated. the burdens too large, you need to take the focus off her and put it highly on something else, anyway maybe she likes the thrill? maybe she thinks that you having a wife is what makes a big part of your relationship. is scared that if your with her, the passion will go from the relationship and she'll end up just like your wife is now. or maybe the high contrast of bad and good is what made you fall in love. do put a lot of thought into this and if you think it will benefit more to end it, then talk it out with the one you love and discuss how to do so in a way that will be less hurtful to all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008):

Ok - I have been the mistress and the man I was with had a wife and children. When I look back now on that relationship, built on lies and deceit and pain I realise that I chose to be with a man I could not really have because in actual fact I did not want the commitment - the intimacy if you like. I have realised this since with counselling etc. Your mistress sounds like me - she likes the emotion but lets face it she does not want your baggage and your wife will never be 'out the picture' if she is the mother of your child so you may end up pleasing nobody including yourself. You need to make a decision - because your mistress is propping up your marriage. If your wife left you you would be bewildered and your stability turned upside down. If your mistress left you your excitement, passion and emotion would drain away. My best advice - ditch the mistress and work out, by creating a more 'pure' situation, whether or not your marriage is over. Instead of being a coward make the decision - is it or isn't it on the basis of being in it rather than only half in it. Once you are decided you can make the call on whether or not you wish to be with the other woman. I think in the situation you are currently in you will never ever make your mind up - someone else will do it for you. Living a double life (as I did) means you actually split yourself in two - which means you live a half life. You know what I mean I am sure. Living a half life is wasting it. You have a lot to consider. Make it easier for yourself to do so - perhaps take time away.

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